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Snappy Reviews from a Week of Movie-Watching

alexbwThe worst (or best, depending on how you look at it) part of working two days per week in rough economic times is that I wind up doing nothing all day but writing, thinking, and most importantly: watching mediocre movies.

Comcast OnDemand supplies users with a seemingly endless supply of “one star” movies. Now, while the average Adam Sandler fan would be comfortable rolling around in this shit like he’s in Hog’s Heaven, I can’t help but expect a little bit more from my film-watching experience.

I am captivated by “one” and “two-star” films that I can watch for free. I can’t be torn away from such classics as D3: The Mighty Ducks and Judge Dredd. I tend to seek out films that I will either be able to tolerate as background noise, or be able to sit through and actually attempt to suspend my disbelief for 90 minutes without sulking.

Anyways, here are the last 10 Films I watched for free or rented.

10. Mr. and Mrs. Smith–the up-side of marriage…and the down-side of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

9. The Whole Nine Yards–wasn’t paying attention, but I think the title has something to do with the size of Michael Clark Duncan’s cock.

8. Repo: A Genetic Opera–made so that the goth cunts at Hot Topic can feel cultured.

7. The Rocker– The real star of this film was my Central Nervous System for being able to remain stable though 90 minutes of this shit.

6. The Duchess– I fell asleep when it became apparent that Kiera Knightly’s gumdrops weren’t taking a supporting role.

5. Semi-Pro– Left me cathartic. Purged of my distrust of Wil Ferrell movies, but still empty and sad.

4. Funny Games– In the 15 minute scenes where nothing happens, I made myself some lunch.

3. 13 Going on 30– A commentary on the absence of god in the 80’s.

2. Far North– Ice. Ice. Ice. Eskimos. Ice. Ice. Soldier. Ice. Ice. Eskimo wears another Eskimo’s face as a mask. There. I saved 2 hours of your life.

1. Baby Mama– Women aren’t funny.

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