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Tag Archives: baseball
Pretending to Like Sports: 10 Rules to Avoid Humiliation
Though I’m not a complete pussy, an obnoxiously grandiloquent gay, or a woman…I just don’t typically get into most sports. There’s something about the pools of raging testosterone which–for the most part–I simply never found appealing. So, if there’s a particular sport you don’t necessarily like, good ol’ Mr. G’s got some simple solutions to your potential lack of masculinity.
Let’s start off by saying that we’re only discussing mainstream sports here…and you know what those are. We’re not including X-Games, Pool, Poker, Darts, or Bowling…because real people don’t watch those.
10. Learn the Fucking Rules! It doesn’t take a genius (or even a dude) to learn the simple rules of every major sport. Don’t concern yourself with the extra shit because nobody knows all of the obscure, hardly necessary rules for each sport…that’s what replays and commentary is for.
But if you can’t learn the basics of the fucking games, don’t even get involved. While everyone else is sitting around cheering, go rub one out in the bathroom. If you can’t be bothered to try, why should everyone else be bothered to put up with you?
9. Read some sports editorials and regurgitate them in your own words! Sports writers aren’t smarter than you; they simply put all of their brain-power into one particular field.
Let’s put it this way–as much time as you spend obsessing over hipster pop culture, these people spend thinking about bats, balls, sticks, and nets. And neither of you know what the fuck the other is talking about.
J-ROLL takes a shot in the face!
For example, start discussing a “play” that happened at “that game the other day” and how “deaf, dumb, and blind” the “umpires/refs” are…even if you’re talking complete horseshit, you’ll at least look like you’re on the fucking ball.
8. Learn what players everyone hates, and hate them! At this point, you might be saying, “B-b-but I don’t hate anybody!” Well, that’s because you’re a pussy. Sports aren’t about having “Heroes” anymore. Sports are about entertainment and being pissed off. That’s why people rednecks watch Wrestling.
You don’t even have to know anything about the game or what position he plays…as long as you say “Fuck T.O. (and you have to say “T.O.”—see Rule #7)!” and you’re golden…especially in Philadelphia.
The Kind of Gay That Your Grandparents Don't Find Disgusting
You may get into a debate about the player’s value to the team outweighing his behavior…blah blah blah…but just stand your ground and you’ll be fine. As long as you’ve mirrored the media’s idea of who’s a douche and who isn’t, you’ll survive any suspicion that you have no idea what you’re talking about.
7. Make the slogans, nicknames, and sporting phrases part of your daily vocab! As I’ve said in Rule #8, do not say “Terrell Owens.” Say “T.O.” Don’t say “Jimmy Rollins,” say “J-Roll”…and don’t say “Raul Ibanez,” say “RAAAAUUUUUUULL!” If you need to say a particular player’s name, it is best to remember that the player most likely has a nickname that you’re not aware of. In such cases, you’ll have two options…
The first option is to hold off on your comment until the player’s name comes up on TV or in another conversation, then jump in with your witty remark. Better a late spark of sporting wit than embarrassing the fuck out of yourself.
...little bastard can hit!
The second option is to make up a nickname. This is more difficult, and you should only use this if you feel confident. Many new sports nicknames have been made up on the fly, so it’s not impossible. Manny Ramirez could easily become “Manny ‘Roid-mirez”…and Shaquille O’Neal could simply become “Kazaam.“
You need a bit of background info to fabricate a new nickname for a player, but it’ll make people around you chuckle and think, “Boy, this dickhead isn’t so bad after all.”
6. Don’t pretend to know more than the person you’re talking to! If you happen to find yourself in a sports conversation, don’t get in over your head. It’s fair to simply say, “I don’t know.” Very rarely will you come into contact with someone who knows everything about sports, and like politics or religion, there is always a debate to be had.
...doesn't give you any advantage.
Some individuals (mostly drunks) live for the good ol’ fashioned sports debate…but you should never get into an argument in which you are unable to defend your side due to outright ignorance.
5. Cheer when they cheer–Get mad when they get mad! Find the peeps who are rallying behind your team of choice and study their reactions during the game. If you’ve already learned the rules of the game, you may not need to do this as much; however, there are always quick plays and penalties that your feeble unsportsmanlike brain will not be capable of handling.
Utilize the natural gutteral sounds that you so rarely get to use in everyday light to express your approval or disapproval of any given situation. “GAAAH!!!” with the crowd, and “WOOO!” for your team.
4. Buy something with a team logo! If you’ve found a sport or team that you don’t mind watching regularly, you have to show your support somehow. It’s like wearing a flag pin if you’re a real American…or wearing a Springsteen T-Shirt so the band knows how much you love to rock out to senior citizens in leather pants.
...just don't be a fag about it.
You can always find some sports gear on the cheap side…it doesn’t have to be an official product. But if you feel rotten about faking support for something that you truly have no interest in, at least be a good sport and wear something close to the team’s colors when you’re going out to watch a game.
While you won’t fit in quite as much, you’ll at least appear as if you’ve made some kind of effort. Think of it like St. Patrick’s Day if you’re Italian, Black, or a Jew…
3. If you don’t watch every game, don’t pretend that you do! Most people don’t watch every game…even the hardcore fans miss a few here and there. It’s perfectly acceptable to say: “Nah, I didn’t see it last night.”
If you truly feel that you’ve been backed against a wall and you’re going to get raped if you admit that you haven’t been following the entire season, just lie like a motherfucker. One popular excuse is “I always have work during the games…” Oftentimes, having a career is a viable excuse for missing a sporting event.
Fanciest dressed Special Needs Kid gets free SuperBowl Tickets!
Pretend to be upset that you keep missing these games, but add-on to it the lie that you’ve been trying to follow as much as possible. Pretend to be interested as they discuss the shit you’ve “missed.”
2. Get Fangry!! Fangry is “fake angry,” and it allows the person you’re conversing with to sense that you are very passionate about your sports.
They’ll ask, “You have money on this game or something?”
And you’ll respond, “No! It just makes me so FUCKING MAD!”
They should lay off at that point. They will either think you’re the biggest fan ever, or that you’re drunk and dangerous. Try screaming: “NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU ASSHOLE!” at any point during the event. Nobody will ever ask you anything again.
I'm mad as hell...and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!
Whenever you hear the people around you go “AWW!” in disappointment and anger, scream “HORSESHIT!” at the top of your lungs. Everyone will assume that you know exactly what occurred, and you whole-heartedly disapprove.
1. Just try to get into the game, prick! I enjoy Baseball, Soccer, and Rugby (even though I don’t understand it at all)…but when it comes to almost every other sport, I can’t really give it my full attention–especially if there’s something else on TV, or a video game is going unplayed.
However, if we’re watching Sunday Night Football, then that’s what we’re fucking watching. I understand the game enough to get by, and I don’t find it totally boring. Same with Hockey and Basketball.
If you really can’t get into the action, then find something else about it that you like–the fighting in Hockey, the retarded dancing in Football, the over-the-top personalities in…everything.
It’s not hard to get tolerate sports–it’s typically the people watching it that get on your nerves. Usually there’s something that everyone can get behind. Everyone loves to watch Sports Bloopers, Highlights, or Wacky Plays. Everyone can agree that the WWE is pretty gay.
But rarely will anyone admit that the only time when they actually give a shit about the game is when everyone else is watching.
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Eight Sports That Can Go Fuck Themselves
Let’s be honest with each other. I’ve never been a sports fan. The only sport I ever really got into playing competitively was Four Square–and if you don’t know what that is, shame on you! Sure, I played the occasional game of Whiffle Ball, but never with a substantial amount of people. As far as watching sports on television, Baseball is my only sport of choice, but only if I’m in the mood to sit through it.
There are tons of (for lack of a better word) fucktarded sports out there, but do we really have to look over the borders to recognize the absurdity? Let’s find out–together. It’ll be a bonding experience.
1. Football–Just to be clear, we’re talking about American Football here. Soccer–or “Football” to the rest of the world–can be both engaging and intense (but usually isn’t). The only reason “Soccer” isn’t on this list is because it’s been around for-fucking-ever.
If you think TODAY'S Soccer is faggy...
One of the earliest accounts of the sport came from Cicero’s account of a man killed when he was hit with a soccer ball while shaving in a barber shop. That’s fucking hardcore.
American Football was created by douchebag Walter Camp, who–like most people in the world–simply didn’t understand the rules of Rugby. The origin of “professional football” is commonly thought to be when Pudge Heffelfinger, a jock from Yale, was paid $500 to play the game for the Allegheny Athletic Association.
He was also a notable Space Adventurer.
Now, the National Football League pays obscene amounts of money to the retarded, criminally insane, and socially bewildered in exchange for them to plow their bodies into one another and pretend to understand “plays” while multi-billion-dollar corporations can take advantage of the unprecedented commercial time. Thanks, Pudge.
2. Bullfighting–While I wouldn’t call myself an “animal rights activist,” I do feel that there should be certain restrictions when it comes to animal sacrifice. Although I fully understand the potentially damaging effects of meat production, I am a meat-eater and would never condemn the practice of raising animals for consumption.
If this doesn't look like fun, you're probably just not cultured.
The line should be drawn, however, when it comes to barbaric practices against semi-defenseless creatures for simple enjoyment.
Ancient Romans couldn’t control their blood lust. They were killing, butchering, and ripping apart every-fucking-thing they could get their hands on…which was probably what made them so intimidating.
Pope Pius V attempted to lead a Christian boycott of bullfighting which was later repealed, because–really, who listens to the Pope?
Why does Pope Pius V look like every racist interpretation of an evil Jew?
Bullfighting is still fairly common in Spain, but mostly for tourism purposes. Perhaps Spain should kick-off the practice of throwing tauromachy audience members into the ring with the tortured and pissed bulls and see how long that tradition lasts.
3. Poker–While not specifically a sport, it is definitely an activity that proponents are trying to be recognized as such. If you’re a successful poker player, you’ve done well for yourself and we’re all very proud and impressed…but don’t ask us to treat you as an athletes. We’ve already had to suck Tiger Woods’ cock for years, telling our children that he’s worthy of being on a Wheaties box…and we don’t have any saliva left.
If your parents bought you this game, they knew what you were up to...
Pamela Anderson’s VIP was cancelled so that they could show more Poker After Dark. What are 13 year olds without cable or internet supposed to masturbate to now?!
They could try jacking it to the Poker Host, but after a few seconds, the only people on the screen are Don Cheadle and a fat ass wearing sunglasses and a Stetson. Poker needs to remain in homes, casinos, and speak-easy’s…and off of my fucking television.
4. Golf–I’m not saying Tiger Woods is out of shape, but if your only competition is a dude who is out of breath walking up the hill to the green, you should re-think calling yourself an athlete. While golf is a gentlemen’s game, it doesn’t belong on television.
I bet this guy is also a professional bowler!
If golf is known as an activity for men and women to take a break from life and relax, there is very little about it that is relaxing. You’re constantly arguing, constantly swearing, and constantly chasing after a ball that you’ve just smacked kilometers away from you in a direction that you almost certainly didn’t mean to hit it.
"I'm Terrible!"
If golf is allowed to take up precious television time, then Mini-Golf should be on ESPN. At least then, we can see children who aren’t cocky playing a game that they almost certainly won’t be payed for–along with the occasional opportunity to watch the little pricks burst into tears when their neon-green ball gets stuck in a fucking windmill.
5. Wife Carrying–I haven’t really watched the Olympics in quite some time, but this shitty sport would definitely serve to make them more interesting. Wife Carrying is essentially competitive domestic abuse. Contestants must carry their wife over their shoulders through a vexing obstacle course to claim their title of being the biggest National Joke.
As if having your face tracked through muddy water wasn't enough, your wife will also be subject to 15 full minutes of Swamp Ass.
Originating in Finland, Wife Carrying seems to be the only European exercise that rednecks looked at and said, “Why didn’t we think of that?!”
The only major Wife Carrying competitions are held in Finland, Wisconsin, and Michigan, which explains that men will go anywhere they have to in order to prove their dominance over women. I will be watching this non-sport closely in hopes that one day I will be able to see Jim Bob hauling his 400 pound wife through the mud in a display of super-human idiocy.
6. NASCAR/Horse Racing–Professional driving, like horse-racing, just seems asinine to me. If you enjoy watching good ol’ boys and midgets travelling around a circle at great speeds, perhaps sports just aren’t your thing.
To be fair, the typical NASCAR fan DOES look like this.
I personally don’t know how much skill is involved in driving fast. I may be a lot…I don’t know…but I don’t care, either. But I suppose if I had to pick a winner here, NASCAR would come out on top. Because even though it’s a fucking stupid sport, at least the drivers don’t have to abuse animals that are better athlete than those dwarves could ever dream of becoming.
7. Octopush–Underwater Hockey somehow replaced real Hockey on this list by the narrowest of narrow margins–and here’s why:
-Octopush is a non-contact sport. The only legitimately exciting thing about Hockey is that at a point, a completely unnecessary fight will break out and the ice will run red. Octopush is for Octopussies.
Words aren't enough.
-It’s not popular in America; therefore it is unimportant. Done.
8. Ultimate Fighting–If Ultimate Fighting is a sport, we need to legalize prostitution across the board. When two people get into a fight, it’s called assault. When two people get into a fight while wearing padded gloves, it’s a Gentlemen’s Boxing match. Ultimate Fighting (UFC) just throws all of that dignity and civility out the window.
The only reason I’m defending boxing over other blood sports is that its participants are semi-aware human beings…who will inevitably become drooling vegetables later in life.
The second most painful substance he's had in his eyes.
If you’re a straight man who enjoys watching Wrestling or UFC, you’re not allowed to be homophobic. If you can cheer and drink through hours of sweaty male bodies slapping against one another–half of which involving pseudo-erotic cuddle-moves on the floor of the arena–you’re not allowed to be repulsed when two men kiss.
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Filed under Events, Fun Stuff, Irrationality, Rant, Review, Sports, Television
The Gay Ol’ Times
Luis Olmo and Mickey Owen(Associated Press)
It’s Summer; and that means it’s time to play ball! I’m not a huge sports fan (by which I mean, I’m not really a sports fan at all), but Baseball has always held a special place in my heart. You can watch anyone play it and it’s enjoyable (even kids…especially when you’re 6-beers deep, yelling expletives at their coach). You can play it with friends pretty much anywhere…and most importantly, it’s not fucking hockey.
Unfortunately, the ‘Great American Pastime’ has been sailing up shit creek with the onslaught of Steroids scandals across the board. When the game became primarily about knocking balls into the stratosphere, players started getting ‘Juiced.’ You can’t really hold it against them; if the only way they’re going to keep their multi-million dollar contracts is if they can use the ball as a guided missile.
But that being said, we can reflect on the good old days when men were men; out-of-shape drunks and drug addicts were the poster boys of the sport…and they all preserved the original size of their testicles.
Recently, Philadelphia Phillie and two-time Seattle Mariner Raul Ibanez was accused of ‘Juicing’ because of his unwavering power swings…well, the oft-silent Ibanez flipped shit and basically told his accusers that they could go fuck themselves to death…which is what we Philly fans admire in our athletes.
No real commentary here, except that perhaps some day we can put all of this steroid business and rivalry bullshit behind us; then we will once again live in a time when a Philadelphia Philly and an LA Dodger can sit cross-legged and hold wrists like a couple of old kitchen bitches.
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Filed under Charity, Events, Fun Stuff, Games, Irrationality, Mistakes, Rant, Sports, Television, Top Story
What the Fuck Happened? Actors Turned Musicians
It’s no secret that we live in a world of excess. The zeitgeist indicates that we are no longer content in simply being good or even great, we need to be better–do more–even if that means dangerously shoving ourselves past the points of logic, common sense, and personal ability.
I’d like to focus, for the sake of this brief discussion, on two individuals who have fairly recently displayed that their talent can not possibly make up for the endless pit of douchebaggery brought on by their musical “careers.”
Why: What the Fuck Happened? Well, not only am I referring to the question: What the fuck happened to these people? but also: What the fuck happened to the golden age of the celebrity?
You see, in my understanding, back in Hollywood’s Double Platinumage, stars were expected to be multi-talented performers. If they needed to dance, they danced. Sing, they sang. Overdose? They went all out!
Today, celebrities are expected to do about two things:
1. Be consistent and professional. Realize your place in the entertainment industry and do your best not to step on anyone else’s toes. FAIL
2.Not expose themselves in public or on the Internet; and along with that, not to bring negative attention to themselves at the expense of the productions that they are participating in. EPIC FAIL
So, with that in mind, let’s talk a little bit about Joaquin Phoenix.
Earlier this year, Phoenix (in some form) appeared on Letterman to do one thing: promote his new movie.
Joaquin somehow dropped this tether-ball and wound up falling-ass-backwards into creating an Internet meme to promote his hip hop career.
Now, with respect to the loss of his potentially much-more-talented brother, River, Phoenix has taken the mope-road, transformed himself into a pariah, and now resembles the kind of person you’d find quietly masturbating in a Library.
Maybe he just needs to take some time off, but here’s to hoping that America gets its Joaquin Phoenix back soon; because this shit–
–is unex-fucking-ceptable.
Moving on; what the fuck happened to Billy Bob Thornton?
While I can not, in good conscience, sit here and defend him, his intellect, character, or work (for the most part), I do know in my heart that his work that actually hit, soared out of the park.
There is a fair amount of slack that must be evenly distributed to those who are constantly in the public eye despite constant horseshit behavior. I get it. Who doesn’t want to be famous just so they can act like a total fuck-stick all of the time?
But Thornton took this concept to a new level when he verbally abused an innocent Qtv Interviewer who wanted only to let him get the word out about whatever-the-fuck Billy Bob was jerking himself off to next.
Watch Billy Bob’s stupid fucking face in this video! You just want the interviewer to leap over the table and break something off in him…
The other members of his shitty band don’t do anything to help the situation either. I’ll promise you this, Mr. Thornton. When you pull shit like this, it’s not funny. It’s not cute. It makes people hate you…
You see…when Paris Hilton or the Olson Twins or whoever pulls shit like this, we expect it. We give a collective sigh and treat them like the Entertainment Industry’s quirky near-retarded sisterswho it keeps away from all its friends until it’s bored shitless.
You are a grown man, and a decent human being. This alone is sufficient to destroy you. And I’m glad you’ve done this to yourself before you had the opportunity to make Mr. Woodcock 2.
It’s a good thing their music is unlistenable, or I’d be at least a little conflicted.
Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Bob Thornton are certainly not even remotely close to being iconic or even significantly importantin their separate careers, but being in the public eye lends them a certain intrigue and respectability, which they seem to willingly and blindly be butchering without hesitation.
Mickey Rourke disappeared from the industry’s radar for a long time. When he came back, he made Spun, The Wrestler, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and Sin City. He’s spaced-as-fuck, but who cares? He’s amazing.
The only come-back I can conceivably predict for Joaquin and Billy Bob is an unsuccessful and poorly-thought-out opportunity to do the voices of two lovable, but slow-witted suicidal Lemmings in Walt Disney’s We Made a Horrible Mistake!
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