The best part of this video, released this week, isn’t Witherspoon’s indignant response to her overly delayed arrest, it’s not her pompous and brazen attitude as she shouts “Do you know my name?” or “This is going to be national news!“
No, sir. The most wonderful part of this video is when her husband, Jim Toth, drunkenly attempts to plead with her for some kind of sanity.
If there’s any lesson that can be learned here, it’s to not say “fuck the police” but simply bitch at them until they’re forced to treat you like a petulant child…oh, and also tell the cops you’re pregnant. That’ll win them over.
Any war, battle, or struggle fought for the forces of one’s imagination is fundamentally wrong. For the purposes of this article (and for the sake of the extremely litigious Scientologists), let’s assume that Scientology, along with all equal or greater faiths is–at best–completely fucking made up. Good. Let’s start there.
According to the Associated French Press (which sounds more like a communal coffee maker than a news source), Scientology’s Celebrity Centre and bookshop in Paris has been closed down and the two main branches were ordered to pay a sum of 600,000 euros for allegedly defrauding members in the 1990′s.
Scientology’s French leader, Alain Rosenberg was handed a two-year suspended jail sentence and fined 30,000 euros. Several other cult leaders were given fines ranging from 1,000 to 20,000 euros. This might seem a bit harsh, but for an organization promising eternal salvation for a substantial financial figure, the punishment fits the crime.
This battle came to a head when members of Scientology called the attack a political “witch-hunt” and claimed that their rights to religious freedom were being violated. Luckily, the French government regards Scientology as a cult, and not a religion–so the fuckers had to suck it.
The government stopped short of issuing an outright ban on Scientology when it was established that thousands of French Citizens are actually happy in their practice of the “religion.”
Founded by L. Ron Hubbard–possibly as a joke–the forces of Scientology are undeniably strongest in the United States. Altogether, the inane faith holds a congregation of over 12 million individuals. France is leading a major battle against a potentially harmful form of religion–now, all they need to do is start working on all the other ones.
At least he'll be remembered for what he was: a dildo.
For now, a slight victory has been won–determining that known Scientologist could no longer edit entries on Wikipedia–but we have a long way to go before we can put this science fiction bullshit behind us. With regard to all the inane bickering between the US and France, the French government seems to win out when it comes to defeating the enemies of common sense.
It’s a fairly safe bet that if you’ve ever seen or heard of television, you’ve come across To Catch a Predator at some point. Unfortunately, I’ve willingly subjected myself to a Sunday Marathon and volunteered for the spectator sport of Predator-Nabbing.
After viewing an unarguably unhealthy amount of Dateline‘s hilariously repetitive “investigative journalism,” I’ve noticed quite a few interesting elements that I thought I’d share with all of you fine people.
To Catch a Predator: The 5-Step Plan
Sorry, Bears. She's 18.
Step 1. Find a strong-willed girl over 18 to have non-stop cyber sex with creepers
Aside from the handful of occasions where the wide-eyed gentlemen had been trolling the internets for young boys, all of the scary middle-agers are after high school girls; which, as we learned from Dazed and Confused, stay the same age no matter how old you get.
Chris Hansen seems to always have a young woman put herself and her potentially weak stomach at risk having them pretend to be either a teen girl or boy and put on a virtual show. It seems odd that they would need an actual young woman to trick these near-retarded rednecks into a sex-sting…but maybe that’s just me reading too much into it.
The unforgivable individuals who are 30 and over truly have no excuse; but I’m watching Chris Hansen bust 20-year-olds who are expecting to hang out with a dirty-talking slutty 16 year old…something seems somewhat off about that.
Consider for a moment that if your parents are more than 3 or 4 years apart and met when she was still in High School…and this show existed…Daddy could very well have been in the hot seat.
If you're obese, you can't run away!
Step 2. Don’t concentrate on sex appeal; go right for the McDonald’s
Chris Hansen knows that if there’s anything rednecks love more than degenerative sex, it’s fast food and sweet tea!
After an unprecedented marathon of frightened hillbillies, I noticed that a majority of them brought McDonald’s bags to the chick’s “house” and are greeted with either Sweet Tea or Cookies.
If it wasn’t bad enough that each and every one of these sons of the soil was overweight and developmentally disabled, they have to give a bad name to fast food junkies everywhere as well.
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen; and if you like cheap, greasy food, you’re a pedophile.”
After this method failed, they went for the live busts.
Step 3. Show those creepers and pederasts you’ve got a quick wit
The moment that Chris Hansen pops out and greets the potential offender is the most priceless several seconds television may ever offer…and he always has something clever to say.
“I guess I wasn’t the surprise you had in mind!”
I only wish NBC would take a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and have the men look into the camera at the end and say “I just got Predator’d!”
He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Nope, just a taco and some condoms.
Step 4. Make sure you have a team of 20 cops to take the fucker down like he’s a 300 pound Grizzly
I fully understand that all precautions must be taken, and that any of these perverts could potentially be very dangerous; but when you see 30 cops slam a tubby computer nerd holding a Taco Bell bag onto the pavement, you almost feel bad for him.
I don’t want to sound like I’m defending the hypothetical sex that these individuals would have with a hypothetical underage girl, but their idiotic hypothetical crimes of passion don’t seem worthy of treating them as if they just broke out of prison and robbed a bank.
Look, dudes, you made a horrific mistake that you hopefully won’t be making again any time in the foreseeable future; but just for future reference, here’s some friendly advice…
…the only two ways you can get away with legally diddling kids are if you’re either a fundamentalist Muslim or if you’re Joseph, the father of Jesus, who left a life of being part of a royal bloodline just so he could bone a 13-year-old paranoid schizophrenic.
...Guess I wasn't the Surprise you had in mind!
Step 5. Be Chris Hansen
All kidding aside, the only person who could get away with this kind of hilarious entrapment is Mr. Hansen himself. Police encourage you not to try to be a Predator-Catcher on your own time, unless you want to cover yourself in mud and hide in the jungle. Pedophiles can sense your body heat.
Maybe you should start emulating Joey Greco from Cheaters. At least then you don’t have to dig through the personal belongings of people who live in their fucking trucks.
Driving up to school I was listening to the Preston and Steve Show(You guys rock.) and they were talking about the Wasp Knife. I was so interested and disturbed by this that I just had to look it up. And what is the Wasp Knife you ask? Let me give you a brief explanation..
The Wasp Knife looks like a regular hunting knife but instead of a big-ass sharp blade that can kill, maim, gut, slice and dice (which I think is more than enough for the job) they made it even deadlier. Inside the handle is a c02 cartridge that when the handle is triggered, injects gas ball inside the target that expands to the size of a basketball, freezing vital organs and creating an extreme amount of pressure causing the area the target was stabbed to explode.
Yes… I said explode. Think of the Chest Burster from the Alien films. Don’t believe me? Watch this!
Maybe I’m the only one, but I actually felt bad for the watermelons. The main uses excuses the makers of the wasp knife use is for taking down large predators under water and on land. Bears and Sharks for example.
OK granted, for the rare event I leave my couch and go diving and a shark came after me, I’d probably want to use something effective against it; although, a regular diving knife would probably do the job of giving the shark the message of: “Yo! I’m not a seal man! FUCK OFF!”
Also, I don’t think an exploding shark under water is something I wanna be around. As for bears…why the hell would I want to have a knife fight with a bear in the first place? I don’t think I would want to get that close to a bear to begin with. I don’t think a West Side Story knife fight works in a bear fight no matter how many Jets are with you.
It also lists use for tactical and military. I’ll quote the site because I couldn’t make it sound funnier if I tried.
“Today our soldiers face many new challenges and to overcome those challenges they deserve the most advanced equipment that is available to them. A simple knife is OK to have, but when it comes down to the last line of defense you want to be carrying something that will get the job done.” – Wasp Injection Systems
Get the job done?! The job is done when you kill the bastard! Not when you make his intestines spray all over you! Grenades are thrown not handed to the enemy! RPG stands for Rocket Propelled Grenade. Rocket Propelled being the key words in the initialism, that fucking thing needs to fly far far away from where you are.
Now on to the most important issue of my little rant: Do we really want the general public able to get their hands on these things? Unless you’re currently masturbating to the assassination footage of JFK I would think/hope you’d be saying “No!”
Look I’m just like any guy out there who admires something slightly dangerous and wants to toy with it. Give me a handful of M-80′s and I’ll have the time of my life. This knife however, crosses the line. There’s no use for this product other than to kill something with it or make it suffer.
Police officials in Great Britain are taking this seriously and are on high alert for anyone who is in possession of one. About 350 knife attack cases are reported everyday in England and Wales. I think exploding victims would greatly decrease the survival rates.
The knife is priced at about $380, which would make you think that it may be difficult for many muggers or low life scum bags to acquire, but I’m pretty sure the science behind it isn’t that complicated. What’s stopping someone from purchasing the damn thing, duplicating the technology, and selling it much cheaper?
Think about it, If you’re being mugged, you’re pretty much fucked if the son of bitch that stabs you has one of these. There’s not really much hope of you making it after part of you has exploded and you’re laying there dying of severe blood loss.
Gauze won’t do the trick, neither will stitches.
That’s a mess Billy Mays couldn’t clean up with all the Oxyclean in the world at his disposal. TheSham Wow guy wouldn’t even try to clean that up, unless of course a prostitute was involved…
From a forensics standpoint at least it won’t be that hard to catch the bastard and identify what weapon was used. There will definitely be PLENTY of evidence. Sadly I don’t think the victim will be able to make it to court to testify. Something like this needs to be banned. QUICK.
The best part of this video, released this week, isn’t Witherspoon’s indignant response to her overly delayed arrest, it’s not her pompous and brazen attitude as she shouts “Do you know my name?” or “This is going to be national news!“
