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Watson’s Review of ‘Prometheus’

Ridley Scott’s “Prometheus” intrigues with its opening scene and sustains this right up until the end credits, perhaps even after this point: hours after seeing the film, I’m still trying to wrap my brain around it. A semi-prequel to Scott’s science-fiction horror masterpiece “Alien,” it begins rather appropriately with the silent introduction of an extraterrestrial being, but not the one of “Alien” that haunted our nightmares. This alien is tall and humanoid, with a pale complexion and the darkened eyes of a great white. Adorned in a monk’s robe, it stands atop a gargantuan waterfall in the early years of Earth, where it is shown to poison itself. Its apparent sacrifice and subsequent tumble into the flowing waters below breathes human life into our planet. Already, “Prometheus” is stirring.

We travel forward to the year 2089 and find ourselves in the mountainous landscape of the Isle of Skye in bonny Scotland. Here, archeologist couple Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace, the original girl with the dragon tattoo) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green, “Devil”) discover a cave painting depicting humans worshipping a constellation, the same constellation they have seen etched into the cave walls of other ancient civilisations, none of which ever shared any contact. Shaw, whose neck dangles a crucifix, sheds a tear at the sight. Investigation into the skies above shows that this constellation exists in a far-off corner of the universe, and that sitting within it is a sun similar to our own, and a moon capable of sustaining life. Intriguing. (Continue Reading…)

(Eight outta Ten)

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Fleshlight Freaks: Taking Masturbation Too Far

As we’re all aware, pleasuring one another is an absolute nightmare: the exercise, the performance anxiety, and the mess–my god–the mess! If the rest of the American people are just as fat and lazy as I (and I think they are) they would be doing everything in their power to avoid sexual or intimate human interaction, too.

If you’re either a regular poster on 4Chan or just a run-of-the-mill sexually inept and potentially dangerous psychopath, you no doubt already own a Fleshlight. If you’ve never heard of a Fleshlight (come on!), it’s essentially a flashlight wit a soft rubbery center that you can fuck. The Fleshlight is an excellent substitute, not only for a real and functioning vagina, but also for a when a real and functioning hand is just too much darn exercise.

The Fleshlight company, responsible for inventing these miracle faux puss and ass toys have done it again, doing a little big of good ol’ fashioned (no pun intended!) market research. Evidently, their findings were that realistic genitalia just wasn’t working anymore. Not even the signature series featuring porn star-approved privates could capture the hearts and minds of the sexually bewildered. So what comes next?

If you said supernatural romance, you most likely already own one…

The Freaks collection is an innovation unlike any other. Originally, the Fleshlight was just a featureless masturbating sock that felt similar to real skin. Now, they’re all decked out in semi-realistic detail and weird interior pattern designs to slightly mimic the sensation of not putting your dick in a plastic toy. There are five new and equally baffling designs for their Halloween(?) Freaks set: Zombie, Alien, Frankenstein, Drac (I’m curious why they could use “Frankenstein” but not “Dracula”), and Cyborg. For each character, Fleshlight made one of their flagship products and a matching dildo. Let’s take a look!

Possibly the most disturbing of the collection is the Zombie, for reasons that should be obvious. You can visit the website to hear information about the product in detail, but we’re just going to focus on the clear fact that the Zombie cock and vagina unit seem to be nothing more than practice for fucking a dead body. It looks the same, it’s nearly as cold, hollow, and terrifying, and it will inevitably be an event in your life that you will never discuss with anyone you know.

Two things of which you should take note in this product: This, the Alien combo features an obvious Avatar connection, and you may not be able to tell from the angle of the dildo, but the penis is almost an oval-shape, resembling two penises fused together. Regardless of the fact that everyone knows the citizens of Pandora use their tails for sexual intercourse (a nerd’s wet dream, mimicked, as you can see, by the interior of the Fleshlight itself), I can’t imagine where the market is for something like this. A collector’s item? A toy for experimental roleplay?

If you visit Fleshlight.com, you can watch videos of the Fleshlight in action…oh yes. Most of these videos feature the Fleshlight being used during sex, as either a fun bedroom toy, or as a safe-sex alternative to the good stuff. I get what they expect the consumer to believe, but the sad reality is that the people who are ordering this product aren’t future porn stars looking to spice up the action in the bedroom, they’re strange, frustrated shut-ins who have to furiously masturbate into a plastic tube because they already ruined all of their socks, then clean everything up faster than the old lady from Requiem For a Dream before Mom gets home.

The Frankenstein model is a bit baffling; and not because any literature major will forcefully remind you that “Frankenstein” was the creator, not the Monster. The Frankenstein dick is understandably more “monstrous” than say, Dracula’s (just sayin’) with nuts and bolts all over the nuts and bolts. I don’t recall Frankenstein having a labia, but why not? You can always pretend you’re fucking Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. The interior of the device seems slightly uncomfortable. About as uncomfortable, I’d imagine, as pounding away at a creature concocted from random, stitched together dead bodies. Still, seems a lot more comfortable than Jenna Haze’s “MAZE.”

I’m not exactly sure how a Vampire’s anatomy would stray too far from a normal human’s, but let’s disregard that. The bat-winged, vagina-dentata, fanged interior simply creeps me the fuck out, but I’m sure it has its audience. However, as we’ve learned from Twilight, True Blood, and the rest of our sexually tantalizing Vampire chronicles, Vampires have become a concept that really tends to appeal more to women. It’s the brooding darkness that attracts the delicate weirdo in every chick (young and old). And it’s for that reason, I believe the dildo would probably be vastly more popular. But, again, why buy a bright red exotic dog dick when you could just call the vibrator you already own “Edward?”

If I’m going to put my vulnerable parts in a machine, I’m not really expecting it to be soft. For the sake of argument, let’s assume it’s some kind of bio/machine sentient being built only for love. We’d have to assume that. The only other alternative is that you’re raping a machine night after night which will eventually become self aware, tear off your dick, and rip your spinal chord out through the top of your skull.

www.superdps.com

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Watson’s Top Ten Horror Films

What is it about horror films that make them so enticing? The vast majority of people I know aren’t particularly fond of being scared, yet spine-chilling spook-em-ups are apparently worthy of their time and money. Perhaps it’s the adrenaline rush — to want to turn away from the screen, to hide one’s face behind the sofa cushion, to want to escape from the horrifying events depicted on-screen is eerily intoxicating, yet we are still filled with a desire to keep on watching. It’s all so exciting, isn’t it?

 

Some horrors have stood the test of time, becoming classics of the genre, while many have not. Now-iconic villainous monsters have been created in some, while other laughable antagonists may as well be holding a teaspoon instead of the knife they’re carrying. To truly frighten a viewer, to set their brains to “terrified” mode, to unsettle them while entertaining them is a massive accomplishment in the world of film. Some succeed, many do not. This list is of the top ten, for me, that do.

 

10. “The Fly” (1986) — We start with David Cronenberg’s superior remake of Kurt Neumann’s 1958 sci-fi horror of the same name. A gory depiction of a man who slowly-but-surely turns into a hundred-and-eighty-five-pound fly, Cronenberg’s deeply unsettling re-imagining is an oddly touching body-horror held up by stellar performances from Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. Not one to be swatted.

 

9. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974) — As a grisly, darkly humorous splatter-shocker, Tobe Hooper’s controversial, blood-soaked horror has become a popular cult film over the years. Still carrying the ability to horrify today’s audiences, it’s set in sweaty Texas, and follows five teenagers as they’re violently offed one-by-one by the iconic chainsaw-wielder Leatherface. As brutal as the title suggests, but brilliantly effective.

 

8. “Jaws” (1975) — Perhaps the least scary of the list, Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” nonetheless remains a filmic PowerPoint on how to utilise cinematic tension. The monster is nothing more than a hungry, man-devouring shark — a great white that’s stalking the waters of Amity Island. Roy Scheider, playing the local police chief, goes out on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw to hunt down the ravenous sea-beast. Suspenseful as hell, “Jaws” is a tour de force in fabulous filmmaking that will leave most viewers hesitant to go back in the water. This film, swallow you whole.

 

7. “Night of the Living Dead” (1968) — Filled with allusions to racism and the Vietnam War, George A. Romero’s black-and-white “Night of the Living Dead” is one of the most influential zombie movies ever released. Certainly ahead of its time, it revolves around several individuals as they barricade themselves in a house surrounded by undead flesh-eaters. Braaaaains. This film has ‘em.

 

6. “Halloween” (1978) — A standard-setting stalk-’n'-slash picture, “Halloween” was the first film to feature masked-maniac Michael Myers. John Carpenter’s madman-on-the-loose horror hosts a whole plethora of scares and surprises as Myers cuts his way through his childhood neighbourhood. In Jamie Lee Curtis’ film debut, she plays the unsuspecting babysitter who ends up being Michael’s primary target. Trick or treat? Or maybe die?

 

5. “Alien” (1979) — The only entry in the list to be set in space, Ridley Scott’s masterful “Alien” never fails to send an unnerving chill up one’s spine. Even scarier than your mother-in-law’s bare-naked physique, it charts the attempts of a space crew at killing a bloodthirsty extraterrestrial that’s run amuck on their ship. Images of a miniature creature bursting out of John Hurt’s chest are far more joyfully ghastly than almost anything being produced today. Bleurgh.

 

4. “The Thing” (1982) — Without a doubt one of the most sickeningly gory movies to ever spray across a cinema screen, “The Thing” is a chilling tale of 12 men living in an isolated base in Antarctica who are forced to battle a shape-changing alien. The outer-space life form can mimic any anatomy, leading to painstaking tension as the increasingly paranoid characters accuse each other of being the heinous creature. An unforgettable showcase of fantastic practical effects and utterly nerve-wracking anxiety. And Kurt Russell with an awesomely bushy beard.

 

3. “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984) — As writer and director Wes Craven’s quintessential horror masterpiece and a creative landmark of the genre, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was the first of many outings for professional dream-stalker Freddy Krueger. The burn-faced, catchphrase-cackling, merciless child murderer, played effortlessly by Robert Englund, pierces his young victims with a razor-fingered glove while they sleep in this expertly executed teen-slasher flick. Quickly springing to the title of a horror icon, Freddy Krueger has become a significant key player in movie-related culture. Freddy’s the man/dream-demon.

 

2. “Evil Dead 2″ (1987) — The low-budget sequel to the best tree-rape movie ever, “Evil Dead 2″ showed how slapstick comedy can work alongside supernatural horror, with awe-inspiring results. Starring a hunky Bruce Campbell as cowardy-custard Ash Williams, the hysterical horror-comedy had over-the-top spirits and soul-swallowing demons tormenting the poor frightened fellow in an isolated cabin in the woods. Sam Raimi’s hilariously manic direction fuels what is an insanely entertaining and side-splitting horror with physical humour reminiscent of The Three Stooges. Groovy.

 

1. “The Shining” (1980) — And finally, taking the top spot as the best horror movie ever made (well, according to me), it’s Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Based on the 1977 novel by horror maestro Stephen King, this haunting masterpiece was the perfect opportunity for star Jack Nicholson to gnaw on some scenery. He plays Jack Torrance, a writer who becomes the caretaker of the isolated Overlook Hotel for the winter. Staying with his wife and son, Wendy and Danny, in the vast hotel, he starts to become distracted, hostile, and is seemingly driven insane by the long-residing evil living within the resort, taking to trying to murder his family with an axe in the film’s thrilling climax. A definite must-see for horror fans everywhere. Heeeeeeere’s a great movie. And wheeeeeeeeere’s Jack Nicholson’s Oscar?

Watson

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