Tag Archives: 4chan
Fleshlight Freaks: Taking Masturbation Too Far
As we’re all aware, pleasuring one another is an absolute nightmare: the exercise, the performance anxiety, and the mess–my god–the mess! If the rest of the American people are just as fat and lazy as I (and I think they are) they would be doing everything in their power to avoid sexual or intimate human interaction, too.
If you’re either a regular poster on 4Chan or just a run-of-the-mill sexually inept and potentially dangerous psychopath, you no doubt already own a Fleshlight. If you’ve never heard of a Fleshlight (come on!), it’s essentially a flashlight wit a soft rubbery center that you can fuck. The Fleshlight is an excellent substitute, not only for a real and functioning vagina, but also for a when a real and functioning hand is just too much darn exercise.
The Fleshlight company, responsible for inventing these miracle faux puss and ass toys have done it again, doing a little big of good ol’ fashioned (no pun intended!) market research. Evidently, their findings were that realistic genitalia just wasn’t working anymore. Not even the signature series featuring porn star-approved privates could capture the hearts and minds of the sexually bewildered. So what comes next?
If you said supernatural romance, you most likely already own one…
The Freaks collection is an innovation unlike any other. Originally, the Fleshlight was just a featureless masturbating sock that felt similar to real skin. Now, they’re all decked out in semi-realistic detail and weird interior pattern designs to slightly mimic the sensation of not putting your dick in a plastic toy. There are five new and equally baffling designs for their Halloween(?) Freaks set: Zombie, Alien, Frankenstein, Drac (I’m curious why they could use “Frankenstein” but not “Dracula”), and Cyborg. For each character, Fleshlight made one of their flagship products and a matching dildo. Let’s take a look!
Possibly the most disturbing of the collection is the Zombie, for reasons that should be obvious. You can visit the website to hear information about the product in detail, but we’re just going to focus on the clear fact that the Zombie cock and vagina unit seem to be nothing more than practice for fucking a dead body. It looks the same, it’s nearly as cold, hollow, and terrifying, and it will inevitably be an event in your life that you will never discuss with anyone you know.
Two things of which you should take note in this product: This, the Alien combo features an obvious Avatar connection, and you may not be able to tell from the angle of the dildo, but the penis is almost an oval-shape, resembling two penises fused together. Regardless of the fact that everyone knows the citizens of Pandora use their tails for sexual intercourse (a nerd’s wet dream, mimicked, as you can see, by the interior of the Fleshlight itself), I can’t imagine where the market is for something like this. A collector’s item? A toy for experimental roleplay?
If you visit Fleshlight.com, you can watch videos of the Fleshlight in action…oh yes. Most of these videos feature the Fleshlight being used during sex, as either a fun bedroom toy, or as a safe-sex alternative to the good stuff. I get what they expect the consumer to believe, but the sad reality is that the people who are ordering this product aren’t future porn stars looking to spice up the action in the bedroom, they’re strange, frustrated shut-ins who have to furiously masturbate into a plastic tube because they already ruined all of their socks, then clean everything up faster than the old lady from Requiem For a Dream before Mom gets home.
The Frankenstein model is a bit baffling; and not because any literature major will forcefully remind you that “Frankenstein” was the creator, not the Monster. The Frankenstein dick is understandably more “monstrous” than say, Dracula’s (just sayin’) with nuts and bolts all over the nuts and bolts. I don’t recall Frankenstein having a labia, but why not? You can always pretend you’re fucking Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. The interior of the device seems slightly uncomfortable. About as uncomfortable, I’d imagine, as pounding away at a creature concocted from random, stitched together dead bodies. Still, seems a lot more comfortable than Jenna Haze’s “MAZE.”
I’m not exactly sure how a Vampire’s anatomy would stray too far from a normal human’s, but let’s disregard that. The bat-winged, vagina-dentata, fanged interior simply creeps me the fuck out, but I’m sure it has its audience. However, as we’ve learned from Twilight, True Blood, and the rest of our sexually tantalizing Vampire chronicles, Vampires have become a concept that really tends to appeal more to women. It’s the brooding darkness that attracts the delicate weirdo in every chick (young and old). And it’s for that reason, I believe the dildo would probably be vastly more popular. But, again, why buy a bright red exotic dog dick when you could just call the vibrator you already own “Edward?”
If I’m going to put my vulnerable parts in a machine, I’m not really expecting it to be soft. For the sake of argument, let’s assume it’s some kind of bio/machine sentient being built only for love. We’d have to assume that. The only other alternative is that you’re raping a machine night after night which will eventually become self aware, tear off your dick, and rip your spinal chord out through the top of your skull.
