We all want to believe in a better life, a sustainable way of living, and a semi-guided path to follow our dreams without the soul-crushing monotony of a mundane existence. But let’s face it: for most of us, these goals are about as likely as Kevin Smith winning a Best Picture Oscar (or, Christ, even a Golden Globe). On New Year’s Eve, every year, we hear the same whiny bullshit about “resolutions” that never seem to work out. So, for once, let’s skip all that nonsense and consider ways that we can force other people change so that we don’t have to. Awesome-sauce.
1. Let’s stop over-celebrating small victories and lackluster accomplishments.
The big civil rights victories in the past few years have been enormously overblown in this supposedly advanced society. The election of a black president set a standard of passionate fervor that could only be surpassed by that president actually giving a shit about the concerns of those who got him into office in the first place.
We praise every insignificant wartime victory as if we’re creeping ever closer to a major impact on the Middle East. After forcing the resignation of every capable homosexual troop in our military with no reaction from those who were supposedly opposed to it, we treat the legislature that enables gays to die for our country (but not get married) as some kind of monumental cultureshock victory for the far left.
2. Twitter must go back to being insignificant.
Remember when Twitter first began? We all picked up on the silly trend only to discover it’s amazing value for communication and self-promotion. It took a long time for the rest of the media world to climb on board and realize the commercial worth of the social networking site, but not very long at all for them to destroy it. While Twitter remains to be a practical tool for communication
to a mass audience (and let’s not forget it single-handedly almost kinda sorta made an Iranian Revolution possible…kinda), it has been rapidly taken over by a mass influx of celebrities and idiots.
Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrities, and idiots are a nearly constant source of amusement…but when it you combine the two, you’ve either got a Justin Bieber teeny bopper with a limited grasp on the English language, or Ashton Kutcher. And both of these things are ruining everything.
3. People must be judged.
Eventually, and I’m not saying right now, but soon, we need to seriously evaluate who we are and who our peers seem to be. Everyone deserves a second chance and everyone deserves a certain level of “benefit of the doubt,” but no one should be free of judgment. The whole “judge not lest ye be judged” thing needs to be thrown the fuck out and replaced with a definitive reflection on what is sane and reasonable and what is outright batshit. Not all people, beliefs, and opinions need to be treated with the same respect and value.
4. Bro’s are no longer allowed to be homophobic.
It’s a well known fact that straight guys (and I’m referring, of course, to obnoxiously straight guys) are 15-100% more gay than any gay guy ever was or will be. Having said that, obnoxiously gay men can be pretentious, self-righteous and self-important, but that’s just a natural result of an adult male’s convoluted emulation of a black chick in her 20-somethings.
Long story short, bros who style their hair, pose like guidos in every photograph, and engage in other rampant forms of homoeroticism are not allowed to pretend to be all grossed out when a buddy puts his balls in their mouth while they’re sleeping…or awake.
.
..and stop saying shit like “bros before hoes” and “rise and grind.” That shit’s pretty gay.
5. If you’re out of High School, High School is over.
This is not to say that the friends and enemies you’ve made in High School should no longer remain the frenemies of today, but the drama must cease; and the same rule goes for college. I often find myself reminiscing over the values of my scholastic career–the direction and motivation it provided. But all too often you’ll meet the Joe College 20-or-30-something fucktard who totally
misses all of the awesome parties and you’ll have to hear an interminable diatribe about how much they wish they could still have that life. But guess what… You can!
You’re a fucking adult now and there’s nothing holding you back. You now have the choice…and most likely LESS responsibility than you had in college or high school. You could eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast and pass out in your own vomit once the sun goes down. Don’t sweat it. Just live your life.
When you’re stuck in High School or College, it’s no different than being hung up on an ex-girlfriend, except your friends are less
likely to say “get the fuck over it!” But I’m your friend now, so that’s what I’m saying.
So if you have no other New Year’s Resolution this year, make it this (and I’ll even spell it out in those cute little internet initialisms you kids love):
Always remember T41S and GTFOI
Think for a second, and get the fuck over it.
Kisses!
Like any year in the exciting and ever-changing world of film, 2010 has certainly had its miserable stinkers. Over the past 12 months, my love of cinema has been bashed over the head at an alarming rate with worrisome additions to theatrical schedules. Some have been laughable, some have been boring, and a hefty amount have baffled me as to how they were even green-lighted in the first place. But there are some that really stood out to me as truly monstrous pieces of work that have horrified audiences in all the worst ways. And so, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten movies of 2010 I consider to be the most abominable of the lot. Avoid these at all costs.
One of the biggest disappointments in recent memory, this gothic horror is less spooky than a newborn baby giggling away in the comfort of its own crib. Joe Johnston‘s “The Wolfman,” a remake of the George Waggner original, has Benicio del Toro wandering around in Victorian England before being bitten by a werewolf and turned into one himself. So much potential, yet such poor execution. It’s tiresome, lifeless, and needlessly gloomy. Still, Anthony Hopkins looked to be having hammy fun as del Toro’s estranged papa.
Even if you were to pump laughing gas into every orifice of my body while I sat and watched “The Bounty Hunter,” you still wouldn’t manage to make me laugh. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who finds himself on the job of tracking down his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston. Hilarious (ha!) shenanigans occur as the ex-couple plummet towards snogging each other at the end. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Tediously unfunny star-parade that’s almost as grating as Butler’s American accent.
Any film with “furry” in the title should be treated with caution, and none more so than this eco-friendly kiddie comedy. Slapstick shenanigans occur when wild animals (who can communicate with each other through think bubbles) fight back against businessman Brendan Fraser for trying to demolish their homely forest. Thrusting environmental messages down your gagging throat with every millisecond of its overlong running time, “Furry Vengeance” was another misfire in Fraser’s shaky career. Chin up though, Brendan. I’m sure there’s another “Mummy” movie waiting for you.
With “Smokin’ Aces” taking high reign amongst my list of favourite films, it was especially uncomfortable for me to watch it get callously cut to pieces and pasted back together again in the form of this copy-cat follow-up. FBI desk jockey Tom Berenger is told he has a high price on his head, and so is rushed to a top-secret location with the authorities to hide from an array of money-hungry assassins. Sound familiar? Slothfully recreating every single plot point from its ludicrously fun predecessor to terrible effect, this sloppy straight-to-DVD sequel was a tiring chore to watch; even with Vinnie Jones as one of the baddies.
Who said basing a film on a one-panel newspaper comic strip would be a bad idea? Anyone with a brain, I’d guess. “Marmaduke,” a fly-covered dog turd of a movie, is a boring snooze-o-rama about a talking Great Dane (voiced by Owen Wilson) who moves to California with his human family. Stuff happens with other dogs, it’s all so drab, the mouth-moving CGI is creepy, and wake me up when the end credits start rolling. Down boy, down! Sit! Left paw! Right paw! Good boy! Play dead! Now stay dead.
Wes Craven’s unscary retread of past slasher horrors is less memorable than it is dull. The “Nightmare on Elm Street” director filled this bore of a stupid-teen killer with talk of souls and resurrection, which all sound pretty neat and cutting-edge, yet the movie itself is tired and monotonous. Without soul, you might say. With a lame villain, laughable script, and insipid main characters, “My Soul to Take” plunged a knife into the heart of Craven’s once-respected career. “Scream 4” looks to be in trouble.
Ah, the film that made me question Kevin Smith’s talents as a filmmaker. Smith ranted on his Twitter page about how critcs were unneeded and unwanted once they rightfully gnawed their teeth into his latest cinematic effort, but what he failed to understand was that they were very much correct in their harsh-but-fair bashing. Dire and nigh unwatchable, this tedious buddy cop comedy is less funny than having diarrhoea injected into your eyeballs, with not even the constant presence of the illustrious Bruce Willis able to make this horribly-written stinker the least bit entertaining. Yippie-kay-yay, Kevin Smith. Fat bastard.
Obnoxious, annoying, irritating, abhorrent, repugnant, loathsome, pointless drivel. Subtlety does not appear in “Sex and the City 2“‘s strawberry-scented dictionary; instead, words like “overlong,” “insensitive,” “ditzy” and “nauseating” are listed in pink, sparkly text. Lazily sending its caricature cast to Abu Dhabi to buy handbags, shoes, and act like total sluts, “Sex and the City 2″ did more to set women back than empower them. Judging by what I’ve watched of the beloved TV series on which this is based, the second big-screen outing of the independent gals is a deep-reaching cunt punt to its much-worshipped name. Piss off, girls, and take your shitty movie with you.
To say that “Fred: The Movie” is an excruciating ordeal to sit through simply would not justify the unadulterated savagery of such a harrowing experience. Made-for-TV in the US (though somehow it got a theatrical release in the UK), this mind-boggling disaster marks the first (and hopefully last) feature-length outing for the YouTube phenomenon known as Fred Figglehorn, portrayed by Lucas Cruikshank. He’s a teenager with a stalkerish infatuation with his female neighbour, he has an unendurable squeaky voice, he never shuts the hell up, and I want him to be crushed to death under the weight of a school bus. Kids these days.
And now we come to the big, rotten, festering cheese. From the makers of (sigh) “Date Movie,” “Disaster Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “Meet the Spartans” came yet another laugh-free, fart-filled spoof in the form of this half-assed “Twilight” parody. Unbearably unfunny and a thousand times worse than what it is meant to be mocking (without any effort put in), “Vampires Suck” is an agonizing 76-minute-long showcase in how not to make an audience laugh. Utterly torturous, and one of the most useless contributions to celluloid since John Travolta dressed up as a Jamaican extraterrestrial in “Battlefield Earth.” The only thing amusing here is the irony of the title.
I’ve never been much of a fan of ballet. I admire the art form, I’m astonished by the skill of the performers, but, like opera, I wouldn’t be particularly fond of sitting in a theatre and watching an 
Lately my brain has been a 
The 
The real trouble came in 2008 when a charismatic black liberal was elected to follow the 8 year Douchefest. 
Instead, the 
But what did they do? They ran 
It all started with 
The deeper you dive into the man’s existence, the more precious treasures you resurface with. His website–his own handiwork–reeks of unfounded superiority and delusions of grandeur. The mechanics of his overall concepts and 
Ultimately, we have one person to thank for this continuous political fuckery: Sarah Palin. I know what you’re thinking…”Sarah who?” But, yes, for those of us who choose to remember she exists, the former Governor of Alaska may be solely responsible for the 
Basil Marceaux
Diaz is June Havens, a confident, rather typical, everyday woman who gets on a flight from Wichita, intending to go home and attend her sister’s wedding. Sat in the aisle next to her is Roy Miller (
Knight and Day
However, a little word of warning. Don’t go into 
What the film lacks in hilarity, on the other hand, it very much makes up for in the action sequences. The movie is quite action-packed with several over-the-top fight scenes and vehicle pursuits, all of which are equally thrilling and exciting, as well as pretty damn creative. In one scene, June is worriedly driving a car down the highway from the backseat after the original driver is shot dead. Through the side window, we see Roy drive a police motorbike off-screen on an uphill road. Some seconds later, the Roy-less bike re-enters the frame and splashes into the lake below before Roy lands on top of the car’s hood, smiling away through the windscreen. “That’s a beautiful dress,” he says to the terrified June.
As you can probably tell by the two opening paragraphs of this review, I am a fan of Cruise (as you should be too) and here he most definitely did not disappoint my usually high standards. He plays the elegant and charming yet cheeky and lovable nature of Roy to a tee, additionally kicking some ass and shooting some bullets. And then some.
All in all, 
Okay, so we’ve got a film based on a comic book that no one, other than chronic masturbators who live in a box in their mother’s attic, has heard of. Little appeal, not many people care. And then the first trailer is released, which is abysmal and spreads an incredible amount of negative feedback across the internet. Even less appeal. And Megan Fox is in it. The film now appeals to 
Josh Brolin stars as Jonah Hex, a legendary bounty hunter living in John Wayne world, sometime during the American Civil War. He’s a tad disgruntled after he is forced to watch his wife and child burn to death in a fire caused by Quentin Turnbull, played by John Malkovich (why, 
Okay, where to start in the rant I’m about to do? Hmm, I’ll begin with the characters. Every single character in this movie is a one-dimensional caricature without the slightest hint of development or believability. You find yourself not giving a damn about a single one of them, connecting with them or caring about what they do, where they go, why they do anything or how they feel. If Jonah or any other character in this shit-fest were to be continually tortured throughout its thankfully short running time, you really just would not bat an eyelid or feel a shred of pity for them. In fact, we’re the ones being tortured by this pile of shit!
The film hasn’t even gotten its tone right, as it amateurishly shifts from over-the-top action to out-of-place supernaturalism and then to emotional drama and a cartoon at one point (not kidding), which lead me to believe that the film hasn’t got the slightest clue as to what the hell it wants to be. Other than a horse’s ass. It’s chaotic, there’s no consistency.
The action scenes are pointlessly over-the-top, not fitting in at all with the film’s shaky tone. There’s a horse with massive machine guns strapped on it, Jonah runs down a corridor, firing dynamite pistols and there’s a point where he deliberately sets his hand on fire just to punch someone in the face. All of this just seems completely out of place, leaving me sitting in my seat, confused, wondering what the bejesus fuck I was watching.
The only truly bearable thing in the movie is the music by Marco Beltrami and the band 
During a pretty brutal fight in which Dre is being beaten up, Mr. Han (
Now I’ll admit, I have very little memory of the original Karate Kid from 1984. I probably watched it when I was little and have just forgotten, but all I remember is there’s a bit with a fly in between some chopsticks, Mr. Miyagi teaches his student to wax his car and there’s something about a beach. I think. So, I can’t really compare the two films aside from the blatant changes getting much attention on the 
Aiding in the film’s appeal are some moments of comedy intertwined with the drama and action. The movie itself is not a comedy, but there are many humorous points used as unforced comic relief. The fact that the movie is about kung fu when the title is The Karate Kid is made fun of, with Dre’s mother getting confused between the two. “What’s the difference?” she asks. Indeed. Also, the film pays a little tribute to the original, with Mr. Han watching a fly, holding chopsticks much like Mr. Miyagi in the 1984 version. But this time, instead of catching the fly with the Chinese utensils, Mr. Han simply splatters the thing with a flyswatter. Unexpected and hilarious. Wait, that poor fly….
Ahh, 
Joe Carnahan’s 2010 version has pretty much the same premise as the original TV series. 
I don’t think there’s any denying that this film is freakin’ insane. Nothing in the movie is subtle, it’s all loud and clear, which sounds like a downside, but it really isn’t. It all aids in what can only be called a joy-ride of pure entertainment, which is the only thing Carnahan set out to do. Let me tell you, it works marvelously.
Quinton Jackson is B.A. Baracus, the role made famous by Mr. T (who’s, like, awesome). Jackson does a great job of sporting a Mohawk, saying “fool” twice in every sentence and being an angry black man who punches things–mostly people. I kid, he is actually pretty impressive in the role, there’s a lot of deliberate LOL moments in his portrayal. But you can’t beat Mr. T, because, as previously stated, he’s just so awesome.
Anyway, the movie starts off with a 6 year old Alice (Mairi Ella Challen) describing her adventures in the magial world of Wonderland to her father. Cut to 13 years later, and Alice (Mia Wasikowska), who appears to be a 19th century emo, has forgotten her wondrous adventures, assuming they were a simple childhood dream. We watch Alice as she attends a party at an estate, which is revealed to be an engagement party, and she is to be asked for her hand in marriage by some snotty upper-class bastard (Leo Bill). However, his proposal goes unanswered and Alice runs off and chases a rabbit down a rabbit hole. As you do. Time for some big motherfucking special effects and things placed simply to poke you in the eye once you put your 3D glasses on.
Over recent years, Burton has been adapting or re-imagining books and movies which are all well-known to the general public, applying his own unique and quirky style to them. Sometimes it works (Sweeney Todd, Batman) and sometimes it doesn’t (Planet of the Apes, this). Alice in Wonderland just doesn’t seem to fit right, as it is not remembered as a creepy or gothic novel, which are typical of Burton’s work, although it’s quirky as hell. Burton’s style just comes across as odd in this, which is especially true for Tweedledee and Tweedledum (both played by Matt Lucas), who are so weird-looking I was actually completely freaked out by them as I watched them on-screen. His performance is decent, but one cannot ignore how freakish the two twins look. No offence to him.
However, the cast is massively overshadowed by the spectacular special effects. The movie has a fantastic visual style, as would be necessary for an Alice in Wonderland adaptation, and I have to admit, the special effects did impress me. This is especially true for the little toad creatures who work for the Red Queen, which I raised both my eyebrows in awe of. In fact, pretty much every creature is brilliantly animated and comes to life in magnificent fashion. Also, the 3D is put to good use, enhancing the magnificent feel of Wonderland (or Underland, as it’s pointlessly renamed, kinda pissing on Lewis Carroll’s gravestone).
