When
you attend the Bloomsberg Fair...or any County Fair, for that matter,
you must be aware that, no matter who you are--no matter what you're
wearing...there will always be someone or something that looks like a
big piece of shit jovially staring in your direction.
3When
these girls magically appear in the bar, you're instantly filled with a
suspicious sense of satisfaction; and for some reason you stop asking
your friends: "What the fuck was the $10 cover for?"
5

The
epic nature shirt is a symbol that spans all of the Western world, and
perhaps beyond (who knows?). Like when black people give one another a
respectful nod when passing on the street as if to say "We're all in
this together." It is a defining symbol of an unspoken bond that
bridges the gap, in this case, between the rugged Wilderness Men and
the culturally and socially fucking bewildered (above).
7At
what point do tits become 'indecent exposure?' For fuck's sake...there
are children and shocked locals trying to swim, you fat bastard.
9
The
homeless in Ottawa are a fascinating species. They seem to be
anti-nomadic and survive mainly on the sickening generosity of the
masses. They always seem to be well off, eating Gellatos and acting
like they're your best friend. If you ever wondered where your giant
polo shirts and khakis go when you out-douche them, look no further.
11

People who get dressed up as
Star Wars
characters are often pretty serious about it, but when the costume
comes off, they get back to their normal lives. This is a man who would
respond to the compliment: "Nice costume!" with..."What costume?" He
would then proceed to bore you with all of the blue-print
specifications of his home-made lightsaber replica. You give him a fake
e-mail address and leg it out of there before he busts the iPhone out
of his utility belt.
13

Have
you ever heard the expression "Douche Chill?" If not, allow me to
enlighten you. A Douche Chill is when you witness something so
profoundly asinine and self-absorbed that you literally start to feel
cold. Your little hairs on your arms, legs, and pubes stand on-end as
if you're made of static electricity. But this doesn't quite make up
for the feeling you get when you see these two girls' pictures on the
news the next day.
15

Cryptozoology
is essentially the study of creatures of which many have laid claim to
their existence; however, they are yet to be scientifically proven.
We've all seen the blurry, overexposed images of Yeti, Loch Ness, and
other creatures proven to be elaborated hoaxes. But what if there were
just some shred of truth to these claims? Who's really to say for sure
that these mythical beasts don't exist
anywhere? Imagine--for instance--that these megafauna cryptids
do, in fact, exist...and that those who hunt them are simply searching in all the wrong places...
17Cute
girls are an outstanding variety. Their approachable nature sets them
apart from "knock-you-on-your-ass" model-types, and their unassuming,
perfect smiles can often lead your mind staggering in a drunken swirl
back to that time you had a crush on the chick from
Boy Meets World. At that point, you remember that when you drink, everyone's a celebrity.
19

You know that annoying blonde douche from
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?
Well, if he had an estranged twin brother who--between picking smoking
discarded cigarettes--told jokes for change in Ottawa, it'd be this guy.
21

The
more drunks you cram into a picture, the greater the percentage that
one will embarrass themselves, their friends, and their parents. It
also drastically increases the likelihood of someone lowering their
body just for cleavage's sake.
23

Bartenders,
like DJs, give off that aura of charm, sophistication, and sexual
dominance that drives the ladies crazy and gets the fellas so lost in
their eyes that they go gay at unprecedented rates.
25

In
the everlasting quest for costume originality, sometimes drastic
measures must be taken. For once, 'I'M STAR WARS FAN' just isn't saying
enough. You need an epic plan that levels the playing field--something
that says, "I'm a toy collector, I live with my parents, and if you
squint, you can see my package from across the room...oh, and I'm
single."
I
try to split up the guys and gals on DDD evenly; but it's about time to
stop caring. Cos-play gals pimping alcohol is Geek Kryptonite. "Alcohol
is the cause of the downfall of our great societ---well, hello
there---yes, I'd love a Yackermeiffer."
29

Everyone
knows that the best time to go costume shopping is after
Halloween--discounts galore! But when you see this kind of shoddy
merchandise
before Halloween, you start to lose faith in the market. What the fuck are you supposed to do with a Charmeleon body suit exactly?
31

Obviously a happy couple. Her makeup catches the eye...her Fuck-Me cowboy boots catch just about everything else.
33

Members
of the National Rifle Association fear that in an oppressive
government, when the citizens no longer have the right to bear arms,
they will be reduced to this--missing digital ducks on a ten inch
monitor.
35

Playboy
Bunnies and anthropomorphism in general have been a staple of sexuality
for fucking ages...but once you've got Spock sternly looking on while
you show off your bunny-tail...you start to feel pretty f-word-ing
creepy for getting the least bit turned on.
37

Within
the wide spectrum of human experience, there exists a moment when a man
must make an important decision. "If I like this, I am a gay." For some
men, the choice is simple. Others remain teetering precariously on the
edge.
39


Bartenders
deserve more credit than they ultimately receive. In what other
profession does one have to memorize a wide variety of mixes and
chemicals, be able to cater to dozens of people at once, measure
perfect liquid doses, put up with your inane bullshit...while keeping
your credit card neatly snuggled beside her insultingly ginormous tits?
41

Canadian
fashion is not unlike that of the American Mid-West. City girls in the
U.S. toss out a style and 6 months later, all the cool Ontario chicks
are wearing it with pride.
43If
your first reaction to this is "This chick is the most awesome chick on
Earth," consider for a moment how you felt after watching
The Phantom Menace. Now imagine that same feeling following you through life, one day at a time.
45


While Christmas can occasionally come early, often what results in a gorgeously wrapped, but ultimately empty package.
47


In
some circles, he is known as "The Ass-a-lope," half antelope, half
annoying pretentious twat who pretends to be your buddy and then tries
to impress your girlfriend with his "elven poetry."
49


Parents,
you can't have it both ways. Either your children are super-geniuses
and brighter than all your friends' children, or you've managed to
convince them that these two Anti-Semites actually exist.
51

There's
a special place in Heaven for Hipsters...but there aren't any
cigarettes, headbands, plaid shirts, or PBR...so it's actually more
like Hell.
53

It's
no secret that we know more about how the human brain works now than
ever before--but that's not enough. There needs to be a separate branch
of psychology reserved just for those who hold Jedi Knighting
ceremonies.
55


Remember
back when your parents wouldn't let you go see those huge outdoor
concerts because they remembered all the drugs huge outdoor concerts
that they went to? Parents understand a lot more than you'd think.
Whoever
said that guys are more competitive than gals needs his fucking head
examined. It's a jungle out there, and if you're wearing my colors,
I'll just show more flesh.
59

Not sure if this was at a "Garden of Eden" party or a PeTA demonstration, but either way--I think I'm a vegetarian.
61

At
this point, you have to try to figure out if they're actually wearing
the same outfit, or if your subconscious is just censoring parts of the
image that would cause you to explode right out of your jeans.
63

It
may seem harmless at the time, but eventually the quirkiness stops
being cute and begins to turn your dreams into a nightmare hellscape.
65

Bartenders
like this are like Disney World. It's fun, exciting, and you want to go
on every ride--but as soon as you leave, the standard's been set too
high and you're disappointed by reality.
67


In
this crazy, health conscious, unfair world, it's rare for a man to be
able to so freely discard his inhibitions and burst into a hot sweat
during karaoke.
69


When
did "The Mom Look" become so sexy? Does anyone else feel like they've
stepped out of a time capsule into an era where awkward jackets and
plaid fanny-packs make you harder than advanced trigonometry?
71


Fuck
etiquette! The more impolite you are at the dinner table, the more guys
want to bring you home.
PeTA talks a
good game, but I doubt they've thought all of their platforms through.
Please don't hug seals. They may look like cute water-dogs, but they
will bite off your face.
75

Examining
other cultures and civilizations is a major part of the future that
Star
Trek predicts. We just have to make certain that our ambassadors
can hide their boners long enough to make a semi-decent first
impression.
77

Is it an
excuse to drink heavily, a Mick-Catholic celebration, or an annual "fuck
you" to those fat-cats on Capitol Hill who won't let you have your
White Pride parade?
79


When
you reach a certain age, you stop caring about all of the broken
promises, false hope and distant dreams. Kids, this is what you have to
look forward to--so cheer up!
81


Chicks
party so much harder than dudes, it's embarrassing. These girls are
having all the fun while guys are busy looking for the ones too drunk to
stand.
83


Comics
never explained what happens when Batgirl and Wonder Woman have to
rescue a creep with a chubby from a burning building.
85


This
is officially the raddest kid I've ever seen. After years of suffering,
children of color are each entitled to ride a white man around any day
they wish...and this kid is playing like it's no BFD.
87


Trolls
don't just eat babies, they party all night with your girlfriend when
you're out of town.
89

This is why bouncers put up
with the vomiting, the douchebags, the under-age drinking, and breaking
up fights. It all leads up to this moment...and he knows it.
91

One of the many clues that
Summer's here is the shitty cover band at the beach. You want to sing
along, but the more you do, the more he seems to levitate with unearned
self-satisfaction.