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When you attend the Bloomsberg Fair...or any County Fair, for that matter, you must be aware that, no matter who you are--no matter what you're wearing...there will always be someone or something that looks like a big piece of shit jovially staring in your direction.

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When these girls magically appear in the bar, you're instantly filled with a suspicious sense of satisfaction; and for some reason you stop asking your friends: "What the fuck was the $10 cover for?"

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The epic nature shirt is a symbol that spans all of the Western world, and perhaps beyond (who knows?). Like when black people give one another a respectful nod when passing on the street as if to say "We're all in this together." It is a defining symbol of an unspoken bond that bridges the gap, in this case, between the rugged Wilderness Men and the culturally and socially fucking bewildered (above).

At what point do tits become 'indecent exposure?' For fuck's sake...there are children and shocked locals trying to swim, you fat bastard.


The homeless in Ottawa are a fascinating species. They seem to be anti-nomadic and survive mainly on the sickening generosity of the masses. They always seem to be well off, eating Gellatos and acting like they're your best friend. If you ever wondered where your giant polo shirts and khakis go when you out-douche them, look no further.

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People who get dressed up as Star Wars characters are often pretty serious about it, but when the costume comes off, they get back to their normal lives. This is a man who would respond to the compliment: "Nice costume!" with..."What costume?" He would then proceed to bore you with all of the blue-print specifications of his home-made lightsaber replica. You give him a fake e-mail address and leg it out of there before he busts the iPhone out of his utility belt.

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Have you ever heard the expression "Douche Chill?" If not, allow me to enlighten you. A Douche Chill is when you witness something so profoundly asinine and self-absorbed that you literally start to feel cold. Your little hairs on your arms, legs, and pubes stand on-end as if you're made of static electricity. But this doesn't quite make up for the feeling you get when you see these two girls' pictures on the news the next day.

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Cryptozoology is essentially the study of creatures of which many have laid claim to their existence; however, they are yet to be scientifically proven. We've all seen the blurry, overexposed images of Yeti, Loch Ness, and other creatures proven to be elaborated hoaxes. But what if there were just some shred of truth to these claims? Who's really to say for sure that these mythical beasts don't exist anywhere? Imagine--for instance--that these megafauna cryptids do, in fact, exist...and that those who hunt them are simply searching in all the wrong places...

Cute girls are an outstanding variety. Their approachable nature sets them apart from "knock-you-on-your-ass" model-types, and their unassuming, perfect smiles can often lead your mind staggering in a drunken swirl back to that time you had a crush on the chick from Boy Meets World. At that point, you remember that when you drink, everyone's a celebrity.

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You know that annoying blonde douche from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Well, if he had an estranged twin brother who--between picking smoking discarded cigarettes--told jokes for change in Ottawa, it'd be this guy.

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The more drunks you cram into a picture, the greater the percentage that one will embarrass themselves, their friends, and their parents. It also drastically increases the likelihood of someone lowering their body just for cleavage's sake.


Bartenders, like DJs, give off that aura of charm, sophistication, and sexual dominance that drives the ladies crazy and gets the fellas so lost in their eyes that they go gay at unprecedented rates.

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In the everlasting quest for costume originality, sometimes drastic measures must be taken. For once, 'I'M STAR WARS FAN' just isn't saying enough. You need an epic plan that levels the playing field--something that says, "I'm a toy collector, I live with my parents, and if you squint, you can see my package from across the room...oh, and I'm single."

I try to split up the guys and gals on DDD evenly; but it's about time to stop caring. Cos-play gals pimping alcohol is Geek Kryptonite. "Alcohol is the cause of the downfall of our great societ---well, hello there---yes, I'd love a Yackermeiffer."

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Everyone knows that the best time to go costume shopping is after Halloween--discounts galore! But when you see this kind of shoddy merchandise before Halloween, you start to lose faith in the market. What the fuck are you supposed to do with a Charmeleon body suit exactly?

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Obviously a happy couple. Her makeup catches the eye...her Fuck-Me cowboy boots catch just about everything else.

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Members of the National Rifle Association fear that in an oppressive government, when the citizens no longer have the right to bear arms, they will be reduced to this--missing digital ducks on a ten inch monitor.

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Playboy Bunnies and anthropomorphism in general have been a staple of sexuality for fucking ages...but once you've got Spock sternly looking on while you show off your bunny-tail...you start to feel pretty f-word-ing creepy for getting the least bit turned on.

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Within the wide spectrum of human experience, there exists a moment when a man must make an important decision. "If I like this, I am a gay." For some men, the choice is simple. Others remain teetering precariously on the edge.

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Bartenders deserve more credit than they ultimately receive. In what other profession does one have to memorize a wide variety of mixes and chemicals, be able to cater to dozens of people at once, measure perfect liquid doses, put up with your inane bullshit...while keeping your credit card neatly snuggled beside her insultingly ginormous tits?

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If your first reaction to this is "This chick is the most awesome chick on Earth," consider for a moment how you felt after watching The Phantom Menace. Now imagine that same feeling following you through life, one day at a time.

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While Christmas can occasionally come early, often what results in a gorgeously wrapped, but ultimately empty package.

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In some circles, he is known as "The Ass-a-lope," half antelope, half annoying pretentious twat who pretends to be your buddy and then tries to impress your girlfriend with his "elven poetry."

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Parents, you can't have it both ways. Either your children are super-geniuses and brighter than all your friends' children, or you've managed to convince them that these two Anti-Semites actually exist.

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Remember back when your parents wouldn't let you go see those huge outdoor concerts because they remembered all the drugs huge outdoor concerts that they went to? Parents understand a lot more than you'd think.

Whoever said that guys are more competitive than gals needs his fucking head examined. It's a jungle out there, and if you're wearing my colors, I'll just show more flesh.

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Not sure if this was at a "Garden of Eden" party or a PeTA demonstration, but either way--I think I'm a vegetarian.

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At this point, you have to try to figure out if they're actually wearing the same outfit, or if your subconscious is just censoring parts of the image that would cause you to explode right out of your jeans.

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It may seem harmless at the time, but eventually the quirkiness stops being cute and begins to turn your dreams into a nightmare hellscape.

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Bartenders like this are like Disney World. It's fun, exciting, and you want to go on every ride--but as soon as you leave, the standard's been set too high and you're disappointed by reality.

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In this crazy, health conscious, unfair world, it's rare for a man to be able to so freely discard his inhibitions and burst into a hot sweat during karaoke.

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When did "The Mom Look" become so sexy? Does anyone else feel like they've stepped out of a time capsule into an era where awkward jackets and plaid fanny-packs make you harder than advanced trigonometry?

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Fuck etiquette! The more impolite you are at the dinner table, the more guys want to bring you home.

PeTA talks a good game, but I doubt they've thought all of their platforms through. Please don't hug seals. They may look like cute water-dogs, but they will bite off your face.