Category Archives: Top 5 List

January 2, 2012 · 7:50 pm

Best and Worst Music Videos of 2011

Hey, boys and girls! I’ve been reviewing music all year–songs and artists that I’ve really enjoyed, and those I found horrifying. I try not to be genre-specific, but it does become a strain on my ability to effectively deliver my honest opinion. Having said that, I can (and regularly do) appreciate lots of different styles of music, which you’ll see here. Some of these may not surprise you if you’ve frequented this site to read our rants and reviews, or if you’re friends with me on Facebook. Leave your comments below if you agree or disagree. I’m sure we’ll come to a polite consensus. I should also mention that these are purely looking at the video itself. Someone might have had a great song, but the video was just satisfactory. So, if we’re all on board this fucking gravy-train, let’s start off with the BEST 5 Videos I’ve seen this year:

5. Lil Wayne–How To Love

There’s a lot going on in this video, and I get that “this isn’t my life, but holy shit” moment that I always got from 2Pac’s more emotional songs. I’ve had conversations with hip hop enthusiasts who hate Lil Wayne, and others who couldn’t live without him. It could just be the heart-tugging elements of the video itself…but it’s songs like this, that cement Weezy’s relevance and diversity, IMO.

4. Tyler the Creator–Yonkers

Vulgar, offensive (to some), and with such multi-leveled introspection, I feel like I’ve been Incepted, I can never be mad at Odd Future. They gave me some of the best music (most of it for free) and one of the best concerts of the year. They’ve irritated many, arguably growing too immense for their own good, as they now walk around so high-and-mighty with their heads in the clouds that they look like collectible Bobble-Head versions of young black hipsters. They’ve inserted themselves into every possible media niche, and it all started here, when Tyler hit the mainstream. It might be nonsensical, silly, horrific batshit, but I hope it never ends.

3. Garfunkel and Oates–This Party Took a Turn for the Douche

Been in love with Garfunkel and Oates for a while, but Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome definitely have everything going in this video. With guest appearances by Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro and Alia Shawkat, and references to everything from Tim Taylor to Jeff Goldblum, I can’t get enough of this video and wind up showing it to everyone whether they like it or not. Fuck you.

2. Manchester Orchestra–Simple Math

This video doubles as one of my favorite videos and songs of the year. There’s so much happening in this tribute to, what I can only assume is, the moments that flash before you when you’re a fat kid. This video became so engrained in my mind with this song that I can hardly listen to it anymore without feeling that sense of drifting in and out of reality; and that sounds totally gayballs, but it’s true.

1. Beastie Boys–Make Some Noise

I would be amazed if this video isn’t near first place on every “Best of” list of the past year. Not only is it a celebrity-packed, epic and bad-ass homage to the aging band, but the song is phenomenal and proves that the boys from Brooklyn are still relevant. Their style, while subtly evolving and incorporating new vision, remains–at its core–identical to the old school. Mike D, MCA, and Ad-Rock are re-energized as portrayed by Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride.

And now we have to move on, I’m afraid, to the Worst of 2011…the videos that made me hate myself, the music industry, and you. But they also made me feel so much better about listening to everything for free, courtesy of the Internets.

5. Rebecca Black–Friday

I know, I know. It’s easy and it’s on every list, but it’s unavoidable. There’s no way, being a pop culture website, we could just ignore this bullshit. This took the world by storm and it’s probably the reason YouTube still exists. As horrible as this song and video are, I can’t be mad at Rebecca Black. She doesn’t know any better…which is why, I couldn’t just crash her attempt, landing it safely in the Hudson Bay of 5th place. Also, I love the completely unpredictable and insanely meaningless rap at end. This has undoubtedly made Black more money and given her more opportunities in life that anyone in her family has ever had, so…she’ll inevitably fade into obscurity when something more painful to listen to over and over and over again emerges in 2012.

4. Kreayshawn–Gucci Gucci

Some of you may find it odd that in the “Best of” section, I swooned over Odd Future, only to post a video in the “Worst of,” featuring several members of the band making guest appearances…and to that, I say: well observed! Anyone who likes this video must get themselves a CAT scan. I tried to like Kreayshawn, after her interview with Nardwuar and educating myself to her punk-rock upbringing, I thought to myself: Hey, self, this isn’t going to be awful! And immediately after, I thought: Self, why are you listening to me in the first place?

3. Skrillex–Ruffneck

As much as I can’t abide Skrillex and think all of his “songs” sound identical, this video really had me questioning whether he should be on the cover of SPIN, or that anyone should know his name (stage name). I actually liked his video for “First of the Year (Equinox),” even though the tune itself was just as shrill and irritating as this one, thus keeping it off my top 5…but this video is simply awful, and the Christmas gimmick pushed it over the edge to just being painful to watch (and listen to!).

2. Lady Gaga–Marry The Night

I’m sorry. I don’t get Lady Gaga, and I probably never will. Nothing she says or does ever seems honest or original. Her fans praise her for her weird personality, original style, and overall “fuck everybody” attitude. In reality, she just represents a new generation of club kids who dig this because they’re too fucked to realize how obnoxious it all is. Marry the Night, like all of Gaga’s videos, is far too long–and it would be entertaining if it weren’t so flat and boring. You know how people have that ongoing argument about art? Someone will say, “This isn’t art, this is just slapped together and stupid.” And then someone else will retort, “Who are you to say what art is? Maybe everything we do is a form of artistic expression!” Yeah? Well, this isn’t art.

1. Shira–Pound on my Muffin

This spot was supposed to be reserved for the lovely Courtney Stodden, who graced us with some of the worst vomit-inducing musical macabre we’ve ever heard. But, alas, her videos were all 2010 timestamped, so I had to think on my feet. This is the best/worst thing I found. Hitting it kind of close, as this just hit the internets on Christmas (of all days), but I think I found my swan song of 2011. The lyrics are so atrocious that I can’t help but think it’s a joke…but if it is, it’s not funny. Not only does Shira’s scarred and weathered appearance indicate she’s had more than her muffin pounded over the years, she has the sad, desperate demeanor of a stripper, or that girl from the neighborhood who always wanted to be a stripper, and then mysteriously disappeared. My absolute favorite part of this video has to be the faces on all of the men who make appearances, pretending to seem interested, and instead looking confused or horrified. Time will tell if this piece of shit gains any media attention. But at 60,000+ hits, it’s starting to look like a bright year for Shira!

–That’s All Folks! Welcome 2012!

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December 5, 2011 · 5:04 pm

What We’re Listening To (12/5/11)

The Black Keys–El Camino
In this Danger Mouse-produced follow-up to “Brothers,” The Black Keys seems to be doing something a little different, and that’s great. A few people may see this as a complete transgression from their previous work, but I totally dig it. The Black Keys have an eclectic sound which enables them to do anything from gritty blues and folk to Acid House Country R&B. Not only that, but they lend their talents to hip hop in their multi-artist release, “Blakroc.” Now, although Danger Mouse (Brian Burton) is famous for mixing, producing, and performing on some of the best albums recently, some may still be skeptical. There are some phenomenal songs on this album, so give it a chance. You may not fall in love with it at first sight like “Brothers” (Danger Mouse produced the song Tighten Up on “Brothers” and the Black Keys album “Attack and Release”–thanks FYP), but it will grow on you, I promise. Maybe like a ‘step-Brother’ or something. “El Camino” is definitely slightly less earthy than its predecessor, but it has just as much heart. Wait ’til you hear the singles a couple times and decide for yourself. Here’s a taste.

The Roots–Undun
Though this makes unlucky album number 13 for Philly’s The Roots, most bands don’t make it this far while still being not only relevant, but viscerally entertaining. For this, The Roots‘ first concept album, they take us on an adventure through the life of fictional hustler Redford Stephens from his death–at age 25–to his humble beginnings as he inevitably chooses his dark fate. While I didn’t particularly enjoy their collaboration with John Legend (Wake Up!), I made their previous release, How I Got Over, last for as long as possible. The Roots, having been together for about 25 years, possess an unfathomable array of talent that is always focused well, but tends to work unevenly here and there. Undun is one of the most focused and enjoyable records I’ve heard from them, and it is a very good sign for what’s to come. Since 2009, they have been the house-band for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, a full-time job which may have caused their music and/or motivation to deteriorate. But The Roots remain resilient as ever, picking up from where they left off, at the top of their game–looking back only to see how far they’ve come. (Here’s the video for Make My, one of four videos that you should probably watch in order)

Black Lips–Arabia Mountain
If you’re a punk rock kid, hipster, drink PBR, own a bike, or have ever been to a party, you should already know everything about Black Lips, so what can I say? Going from Bomp Records to In The Red, and landing on VICE did not change the “fuck you” attitude this band has–and while their music has appeared in TV shows and movies, they are yet to enjoy that Musical Holy Grail of selling out and becoming boring. Whether you consider them “punk rock” or not is arguable; however, I would say they have embodied every essence of the punk base to use them in any argument against someone who claims that ‘punk rock is dead.’ They remain on a pretty-much-Indie label, sing songs about Spider-man and anarchy, and sound like their music was recorded in a basement 30 years ago. They’re a scenester’s wet dream. Go Out and Get It!

Noah Gundersen–Family
If you’ve been following Sons of Anarchy, you may have heard at least two Noah Gundersen songs without even realizing it. Everything about his music is almost calculating and beautiful. So much so that I sped up some tracks so it sounded like a female voice singing, just so I didn’t feel so totally gay for Gundersen. Following in the breathy indie singer/songwriter tradition as Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst, Gundersen tells stories in his songs that took older musicians decades to perfect. One of the best things about Noah, which can not be said for many other indie artists (with the possible exception of Jim James), is that his voice and musical talent creates such a broad blanket of appreciation. You will love this, and (for better or worse) so will your parents. One of the best musical treasures I’ve happened upon since Dan Reeder. This is the title track from the album and the first song I heard him sing: Family

Rihanna–Talk That Talk
Rihanna is the most beautiful woman on the planet. Yes, it’s true. I don’t know how much more she’s got left in her, but I can only hope she goes on forever. Hip Hop and R&B in the mainstream are slowly moving into a whirlpool of Club, Dubstep, Bubblegum, Electronica, etc–but if it’s coming out the other end like this, I ain’t even mad. But why do I like this while not particularly caring for Lady Gaga? Perhaps it’s the sex appeal; maybe the years of reliably consistent yet constantly evolving material? Maybe it’s because Obama’s president? Who knows? Not all of it makes me want to swag out, but it’s a solid album. It fits right in amongst Drake and friends on my iPod, too! And I bet Johnny Cash wouldn’t even be mad at Where Have You Been, either.

Childish Gambino–CAMP
Donald Glover is a young man of many talents. He was even the subject of a completely unfounded rumor that he would be the new Spider-Man. Glover, a hilarious and perhaps a bit esoteric young actor and comedian has performed in the comedy Mystery Team as well as the increasingly popular show, Community. Most recently, however, you can see him on his Comedy Central special “Weirdo.” Almost constantly funny and filthy new hip hop has become such a pleasure lately. It’s such a clash from the norm and shows that there is a real community out there to appreciate something new, spirited, and influential. Odd Future has proven this as well. Only time will tell if this breed of young, self-made (nerd-core?) rappers will rise to the top...but in the meantime, check out Childish Gambino. You can hear the passion in Glover’s voice as well as the unadulterated FUN he’s having with this music. Also, check out his EP featuring the single Freaks and Geeks.

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October 4, 2011 · 4:49 pm

Center City Comedy’s 3rd Anniversary Show

On Thursday, October 29th, the Raven Lounge in Philadelphia hosted Center City Comedy’s third anniversary celebration. Hosted by Tom Cassidy and managed by comedians H. Foley, Chris Cotton, and Ryan Shaner, the show has enjoyed growing success since there gestation. SuperDPS was there, as usual, to capture the event. Supporting performers came from all over the city, to give Center City Comedy on hell of a night! Here are some video selections from the show (for more, visit our VIDEO page).

-SuperDPS-

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May 6, 2011 · 6:24 pm

What We’re Listening to (May 2011)

Architecture in Helsinki–Moment Bends
Fans of this Australian ensemble have been waiting for this album for what feels like an eternity. Then when it finally dropped, it was so under the radar that it took a whole month for me to check it out. Architecture evolves so quickly it would make a Creationist’s head spin. When I first saw Architecture, they were a hot mess garage band orchestra. It was like going to see the Cosby Kids, banging on trash cans, and whatever else they could find around the house to capture a unique sound. It worked beautifully. The transition here is very mature and modern. Sacrificing the trinkets for the keyboards and synths, they go from grungy melodic jams to indie rock, then come back with this beat-heavy pop record that flows so perfectly, I can fully accept and appreciate the long wait. (Listen to: Contact High)

Tyler, the Creator (OFWGKTA)–Goblin
At the risk of sounding like a Geico commercial, if you haven’t heard Odd Future you must be living under a rock. The anticipation for this album has been overwhelming, and it reflects in the artists themselves (mainly Tyler, the Creator). To put it in perspective, Odd Future could be compared to a junior Wu Tang Clan due to the talent that each artist in this super-group possesses individually and their overall production value. Goblin marks the first album that Odd Future has released commercially; credited particularly to Tyler (or is it his alter ego, Wolf Haley?). The combination of two identifiable personalities in one young artist makes for an album of such lyrical and psychological prowess, it should be embarrassing for other well-established rappers who notoriously release track after track of unimpressive hip hop. I feel like there may be some kind of cosmic punishment for saying that I absolutely and unequivocally love this record. It’s vile, violent, morbid and beautiful. It’s Odd Future. Wolf Gang. Free Earl. (Listen to: Nightmare)

The Lonely Island–Turtleneck & Chain
Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, and Andy Samberg put together this comedy troupe in Junior High and gradually, through various highs and lows, caught the eyes and ears of Lorne Michaels (SNL). Comedy in music hit a definitive fork in the road a little over a decade ago. Where many artists like Weird Al Yankovic continued down the path of parody and silly tunes for a particular audience, other major artists (particularly in the rap scene) decided to include humorous lyrics in their songs, mostly to imply that not all rap is about bitches, money, and violence; sometimes it’s just a prop bag of intended puns. Lonely Island takes their hilarious ATV off the road completely and treads a intensely popular middle-ground. They’re making real music, lampooning hip hop while showing it the utmost respect. The album is great and chock full of hits. The only criticism I can possibly muster is that many of these songs don’t quite work without their music video–but the fact that everyone and their mothers have seen these songs featured on SNL, the picture is pretty vividly painted. (Listen to: Creep ft. Nicki Minaj)

Manchester Orchestra–Simple Math
If you keep up with this blog (and I’m sure you do), you may have noticed that I covered a Manchester Orchestra album last month as well. If it’s taken you this long to check them out, shame on you. Manchester Orchestra is incredible–and I’m kind of disappointed that their music isn’t playing constantly everywhere I go. Simple Math possesses something rare in the indie rock community (and it is a community). Imagine every indie rock band you enjoy mashed into one comprehensive totem. Sound impressive? Having said that, their music certainly isn’t for everyone; however, judging by the current caliber of tunes that music lovers pay good money to hear, I’m sure most people will appreciate this. Manchester Orchestra produces many different vocal styles that may seem familiar, but rare to be compiled on one album. You may find that songs are reminiscent of Bright Eyes, Band of Horses, early Modest Mouse. The inspirations are crystal clear. (Listen to: Simple Math)

Beastie Boys–Hot Sauce Committee Part 2
No, you didn’t miss out on Hot Sauce Committee Part 1. The Beastie Boys’ long-awaited eighth album was supposed to drop back in ’09, but was put on a two year hiatus due to Adam “MCA” Yauch’s cancer diagnosis. It was set to be Hot Sauce Committee Part 1, but due to the delay, was magically transformed into “Part 2.” Growing up is overrated. The Beastie Boys’ sound has not aged a day since the early ’80s. While several of their songs express a more current P.O.V. and modern liberal sensibility, their core element remains constant. So, for all of you who religiously listen only to “old school” hip hop, please invite these nice Brooklyn gentlemen back into your home. It’s amazing that four men in their mid-forties can still rock this hard without making it feel irreconcilably awkward or creepy. It goes to show that anything is possible if the music comes from the heart. On the other hand, you have people like Fergie, pushing 40 and digging a shallow grave for modern music while we all do a facepalm crying, “Mom, please stop singing and dancing on the table. It’s embarrassing!” (Listen to: Make Some Noise)

-Alex G//CU Next Time!//

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April 15, 2011 · 5:03 pm

What we’re listening to! April 2011

Wake up, Thunderbabe–The Battle Royale

I can’t imagine any indie pop junkie not being a fan of The Battle Royale, but I’m sure there must be some out there. Their sound combines a White Stripes simplicity with some modern tech beats and childlike wonder. Though I can’t determine whether the gals and guys in this band know exactly what they’re doing, or if they honestly have no idea what kind of band they are, I really don’t care. They’re doing a beautiful thing and I hope they keep doing it. (Listen to: Scream Scream)

Give the Drummer Some–Travis Barker (and Various Artists)

This album has been a long time coming. Any rap that Travis Barker touches immediately becomes rock n’ roll. That may be an immature statement to make, especially because there are a lot of hip hop acts that feature a full live band that you would never call “rock n’ roll,” but Travis has a presence all his own. His beats are actually identifiable, like watching a Quentin Tarantino movie. Barker has a style that makes you want to get up and dance no matter who you are. (Listen to: Knockin’ (featuring Snoop Dogg and Ludacris)

All Day–Girl Talk

It’s difficult to give complete credit to a DJ who is essentially building expert tracks on other musicians’ talent. Remixes and Mash-up songs are extremely sensitive. A remix or mash-up that doesn’t quite work or utilize the exact right mood for the song falls apart. Girl Talk has built a long career on achieving perfection. This latest installment in the Girl Talk library comes close to achieving it. I’ll admit, not all of it is to my liking, but it’s not technically an “album.” Saying this is a complete album is like calling “NOW: That’s What I Call Music” an album. It’s an experimental DJ mix, and if that’s what you want, it absolutely rocks. (Listen to: Every Day)

Mean Everything to Nothing–Manchester Orchestra

This is another album that’s been out for about two years, but if I haven’t heard it, it’s new to me! Manchester Orchesta performs my favorite genre of music with such passion and love, I can’t really ask for more. Whenever anyone asks me what kind of music I listen to, I have to honestly say that I listen to everything, but nothing tickles my eardrums like this new wave of Folk/Country/Punk-inspired Indie Rock n’ Roll. What would have probably been called “Emo” several years ago has now evolved into some ass-kicking music with balls. Don’t let the name fool you, Manchester Orchestra is anything but “classical” and “traditional.” (Listen to: 100 Dollars)

All We Could Do Was Sing–Port O’Brien

It’s a rare occasion when you can sit back on your big comfy couch and just listen to an album from start to finish. These days, most CDs are built around singles with maximum efficiency to the point that most people never even hear 70% of the music an artist puts out. Port O’Brien takes you on a ride through eleven tracks dripping with musical flavor. With highs and lows abound, this album creates an atmosphere that it’s hard to escape from; like a good book you can’t put down. This is a very classic example of indie-folk, so you won’t be getting any hidden surprises or sparks of intense innovation on the theme, but what you will get is a damn fine album. (Listen to: I Woke Up Today)

(And that’s what we’re listening to on April 15, 2011…oh, and Happy April 11th Birthday to me!)

–Alex G/

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February 2, 2011 · 4:42 pm

What We’re Listening to…(February 2011)

It’s been an exciting week for indie music. I know! Fucking weird, right? Has there ever been an exciting week in indie music? Unless you count that time your band ran into the guy who does keyboards and loops for TV on the Radio at some shitty venue that he also happened to be playing, the answer is “no.”

Clowning around aside, this week has spawned the final album from indie Messiah Bright Eyes and the announcement that garage rock icons The White Stripes were officially calling it quits. I bring you exciting news, though: life is not over. There is a plethora of decent music out there! Even if you’re stuck in an abyss of unemployment, daydreaming of a time when music didn’t completely suck, there is hope. Here’s five albums that may or may not change your mind that there are still good bands pumping out some pretty rad tunes. So, check out these albums!

Matt & Kim–Sidewalks (2010)
There’s nothing quite like fun, poppy, almost-punkish music by two cute indie kids. You’ve most likely heard Matt & Kim at some point if you’ve watched television or listened to the radio in the past year or so. For a 21st Century Brooklyn band, they have a lot to offer. Not to sound condescending, but New York bands tend to mesh together and the best ones get lost in the fold. Matt & Kim have been consistently awesome and never lose their sweet style, heart-pounding beats, and childlike wonder. I sound like I’m reviewing something off of Radio Disney, but trust me on this one.

Ghostface Killah–Apollo Kids (2010)
For a rapper who has received varying degrees of success from his library of (I’m estimating here…) 10,000 records(?), Apollo Kids is safe but captivating. The return to the gritty, engaging style of the Wu-Tang Clan was essential to Ghostface’s career after his R&B albums took many fans by surprise. It may not be the greatest rap album you’ve ever heard, but there’s no denying that it’s solid and fun. And, worst case scenario, you can listen to it while roaming around South Philly and feel a little less white and a little more married to the streets.

Fences–Fences (2010)
If you’re upset about Bright Eyes going away, or miss Dashboard Confessional, this is right up your alley; especially if you’ve grown up a little bit. I don’t particularly understand when bands create “genres” for themselves just to pigeonhole their music. Not knowing much about a band that characterizes themselves as “Grime” or “Shoegaze” music can get confusing and does a hell of a job turning off people who aren’t totally gay for one particular sub-sub-sub-genre. I try not to let this bother me when I hear powerful, interesting, and relate-able music…but it doesn’t dismiss the thought that maybe Christopher Mansfield could be a total D-Bag. Maybe.

The Limousines–Get Sharp (2010)
Electropop is a fascinating beast. It’s got a face that only a mother could love and everyone who hangs out with it is a total dick, but once in awhile it can be fun to hang out with Electropop. Maybe once or twice a week, when it’s not too drunk or stoned. Electropop will walk you home, keep you company on the bus, make you smile, cheer you up, and let you say “fuck it, let’s dance.” Then, at the end of the night, when you and your real friends are tired you can lock Electropop outside in the cold and as you wipe the tears from your eyes, shout, “Get out of here, Electropop! I never loved you anyways! Just go!”

Deer Tick–War Elephant (2007)
It may seem tacky or out of place (at least on this list) to review an album that’s four-years old, but I’m gonna go with it…because I’m a rebel. Truth is, Deer Tick is such a creative and amazing band that I think you should start listening to their albums from the beginning. There are only 3, so it won’t take you too long. You’ll find a lot to fall in love with here, from the old school blues/folk/country vibes to the modern tortured soul poetry of white American youth. The mid-western vibe is so crisp that it’s easy to forget that the band’s from Rhode Island. As with bands like The Black Keys and Two Gallants, their passionate and honest music makes you forget that they’re just a bunch of white kids singing black folks’ music.

–Alex Gross

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December 29, 2010 · 11:21 pm

New Year’s Resolutions for a Better 2011

We all want to believe in a better life, a sustainable way of living, and a semi-guided path to follow our dreams without the soul-crushing monotony of a mundane existence. But let’s face it: for most of us, these goals are about as likely as Kevin Smith winning a Best Picture Oscar (or, Christ, even a Golden Globe). On New Year’s Eve, every year, we hear the same whiny bullshit about “resolutions” that never seem to work out. So, for once, let’s skip all that nonsense and consider ways that we can force other people change so that we don’t have to. Awesome-sauce.

1. Let’s stop over-celebrating small victories and lackluster accomplishments.

The big civil rights victories in the past few years have been enormously overblown in this supposedly advanced society. The election of a black president set a standard of passionate fervor that could only be surpassed by that president actually giving a shit about the concerns of those who got him into office in the first place.

We praise every insignificant wartime victory as if we’re creeping ever closer to a major impact on the Middle East. After forcing the resignation of every capable homosexual troop in our military with no reaction from those who were supposedly opposed to it, we treat the legislature that enables gays to die for our country (but not get married) as some kind of monumental cultureshock victory for the far left.

2. Twitter must go back to being insignificant.


Remember when Twitter first began? We all picked up on the silly trend only to discover it’s amazing value for communication and self-promotion. It took a long time for the rest of the media world to climb on board and realize the commercial worth of the social networking site, but not very long at all for them to destroy it. While Twitter remains to be a practical tool for communication
to a mass audience (and let’s not forget it single-handedly almost kinda sorta made an Iranian Revolution possible…kinda), it has been rapidly taken over by a mass influx of celebrities and idiots.

Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrities, and idiots are a nearly constant source of amusement…but when it you combine the two, you’ve either got a Justin Bieber teeny bopper with a limited grasp on the English language, or Ashton Kutcher. And both of these things are ruining everything.

3. People must be judged.


Eventually, and I’m not saying right now, but soon, we need to seriously evaluate who we are and who our peers seem to be. Everyone deserves a second chance and everyone deserves a certain level of “benefit of the doubt,” but no one should be free of judgment. The whole “judge not lest ye be judged” thing needs to be thrown the fuck out and replaced with a definitive reflection on what is sane and reasonable and what is outright batshit. Not all people, beliefs, and opinions need to be treated with the same respect and value.

4. Bro’s are no longer allowed to be homophobic.


It’s a well known fact that straight guys (and I’m referring, of course, to obnoxiously straight guys) are 15-100% more gay than any gay guy ever was or will be. Having said that, obnoxiously gay men can be pretentious, self-righteous and self-important, but that’s just a natural result of an adult male’s convoluted emulation of a black chick in her 20-somethings.

Long story short, bros who style their hair, pose like guidos in every photograph, and engage in other rampant forms of homoeroticism are not allowed to pretend to be all grossed out when a buddy puts his balls in their mouth while they’re sleeping…or awake.
.

..and stop saying shit like “bros before hoes” and “rise and grind.” That shit’s pretty gay.

5. If you’re out of High School, High School is over.


This is not to say that the friends and enemies you’ve made in High School should no longer remain the frenemies of today, but the drama must cease; and the same rule goes for college. I often find myself reminiscing over the values of my scholastic career–the direction and motivation it provided. But all too often you’ll meet the Joe College 20-or-30-something fucktard who totally
misses all of the awesome parties and you’ll have to hear an interminable diatribe about how much they wish they could still have that life. But guess what… You can!

You’re a fucking adult now and there’s nothing holding you back. You now have the choice…and most likely LESS responsibility than you had in college or high school. You could eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast and pass out in your own vomit once the sun goes down. Don’t sweat it. Just live your life.
When you’re stuck in High School or College, it’s no different than being hung up on an ex-girlfriend, except your friends are less
likely to say “get the fuck over it!” But I’m your friend now, so that’s what I’m saying.

So if you have no other New Year’s Resolution this year, make it this (and I’ll even spell it out in those cute little internet initialisms you kids love):

Always remember T41S and GTFOI

Think for a second, and get the fuck over it.

Kisses!

–Alex G/

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June 30, 2010 · 4:10 pm

What We’re Watching (if you care)

Television

It’s been a hell-of-a-year for amazing television, and epic finales. You may have missed some of the highlights, but I’ll do my best to fill you in. Plus, you can probably find all of these shows for free on the internet anyway…shh…

Treme–Set in the New Orleans neighborhood of Treme, this show gives us a look at the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina through the eyes of various characters seeking refuge through the arts (mainly music) as they all battle personal demons. The show was created by David Simon (The Wire) and the formula works just as well here. Compared to other HBO and other cable dramas, Treme packs a more subtle punch. Rather than deliver the intensity on a silver platter, Treme lets it all sink in–feel what the characters are feeling–and top it all off with some of the best music you’re likely to hear on television. (Season 1 ended recently, but there’s still plenty of time to catch up before Season 2)

Party Down–Starz? Has anyone ever watched anything on Starz that wasn’t a shitty Rob Schneider movie, or worse: Spartacus: Blood and Sand? Well, here’s a diamond in the diarrhea. Party Down has–for two seasons so far–been consistently one of the funniest and cleverest shows that I’ve seen in awhile. While the writers borrow heavily from other comedic masterpieces like Arrested Development, this show makes it work, and sparks with originality. And most of all, it will create more quotable lines than Superbad–but it won’t be played-the-fuck-out nearly as fast.

True Blood–When the show first aired, I thought it was just a chick thing; some trashy romance with supernatural beefcakes biting, licking, and proving their big balls on the playground. Oh, and I wasn’t wrong…but there’s a lot more to it than that. The atmosphere of the show is brilliant (even if the mythology is stale and childish). I literally had to watch every single episode before I even made up my mind if I liked it or not, and the truth is: I don’t really know. Season 3 has just begun and it’s already giving off a Twilight-for-grown-ups-(but not really, because you’re still watching a gay show about vampires) vibe. I feel gay watching it; you should feel gay watching it. But don’t stop watching it.

The IT Crowd–Here’s one you have to check out. Season 4 just started and it’s just as funny as ever. The IT Crowd was given to us by our friends over in the UK, and yes, it is a fairly broad-based sitcom. If I could compare it to anything over here, I would say The Big Bang Theory, although it is worlds better. The story focuses on (what else?) the 3 people who work in the I.T. department of a major company–2 “Standard Nerds” and a young ginger woman who is hired to head their department and keep them in line. Lots of laughs, lots of smart humor, and Richard Ayoade is a genius.

Hung–This is an interesting concept for a show because it centers around a ruggedly handsome, recently divorced man (Tom Jane) with a huge cock. His day job is a gym teacher at his kids’ school, and they adore him. He gets all the ass he can handle and his children don’t resent him, but he’s still unhappy. So, what’s a man to do? If your answer was: become a male escort, then you might enjoy this show even more than you thought! Does it make complete logical sense? No. But it is a wonderful story of a sensitive and ruggedly handsome man’s uphill struggle with being knee-deep in poon. Check it out.

Movies

Toy Story 3–It’s official. Toy Story is now a trilogy…and what a trilogy! I think the timing of Toy Story 2 cut back on its appreciation value. Toy Story was a smash hit because nothing like it had ever been done before. Toy Story 2 was released in 1999 when nobody gave a shit anymore, and thus, decided it was only a mediocre film. Now that 3D and computer animated films are so commonplace that studios can shit one out during an extended lunch break, the genre needs to step up its game to be appealing to everyone. Toy Story 3 was a masterpiece and a perfect way to end the series (or begin a new one). It was released at just the right time: 15 years after the first installment. This means that those who grew up with the original can get all sad and nostalgic with the finale–and that the children of those who grew up with the original can sit behind me in the theater and scream at the top of their fucking lungs. Watch Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and you’ll appreciate them a lot more…and enjoy this final chapter in the theater at a time when all those fucking kids are asleep.

Get Him to the Greek–While it’s difficult to decide if this is going to be a shitty Summer for movies, a few gems do emerge. Get Him to the Greek is by no means a “gem,” but it is a good time. If there’s any feeling I hate, it’s going to a restaurant and ordering something new that you’ve never tried before, only to find out that you hate it and now you’re out $20 and you’re still fucking hungry. If there’s another feeling I hate, it’s wasting money on a shitty movie. I try to choose wisely based on reviews, personal gut-reaction, and mood. So it was a tough decision when it came down to Grown Ups or Get Him to the Greek. But I think I made a logical and well-thought-out decision that any rational and sane person would make. Would you like a quirky spin-off to an obviously amazing Judd Apatow flick…or a PG-rated poop-joke fest filled with every actor you’ve ever tried to avoid.

Scott Pilgrim VS the World–Yeah, yeah, we know–this movie doesn’t come out for awhile, but we’re still watching it…like a hawk. If you’re a self-described nerd and you’re shying away from this Summer movie, shame on you. But still, be wary. I’ve never been disappointed by the Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz crew before, but this is an American movie, and all bets are off. If nothing else, it will be an enjoyable and unique experience–but it has several superhero/comic book bars set in the silliness category. Can it outdo Kick-Ass? If not, we’ll always have Inception.

–Alex G/

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June 18, 2010 · 9:39 am

Soundtrack to the Week (If you care)

Recovery—Eminem: “Fuck my last CD; that shit’s in the trash.” Eminem drops some knowledge in his latest release, reminding us that we fell in love with him for his personality and passion. If you haven’t heard the full album yet, you’ve likely heard the single, Not Afraid; so take your response to that song, multiply it by infinity, and that’s how much you should love this record. It’s incredible that the rapper can so easily transition from barely poetic novelty-hip hop nonsense to this genre-defining masterwork. The bar has been set. Next time anyone plays anything off Relapse, push them down a flight of stairs.

Thank Me Later—Drake: At some point, we have to get past the fact that Drake was Jimmy from Degrassi. He clearly goes above and beyond to crush the association between him and teen melodrama, and it’s a damn shame that it’s not working. Most of his lyrics, while captivating and melodic, are at their core—psychologically immature. But we’re still listening, so fuck it. Keep doing what you do, Drake. After all, Blink 182’s still doing songs about the girls who broke their hearts in high school, and they’re, like, 40.

The Almighty Defenders—The Almighty Defenders: We’re a bit behind with this one—released in September 2009—but we’ve obviously not been paying enough attention. One could call The Almighty Defenders a “super-group,” if one recognized either of the amazing bands involved. The band is made up of The Black Lips and King Khan and BBQ Show, joining forces for the first time to produce 11 incredible “spirituals” that conjure up a dream of walking awkwardly into a Baptist Church only to realize the party’s being hosted by Satan with every blues, jazz, and rock god playing the devil’s music.

Teargarden by Kaleidyscope Vol. 1: Songs for a Sailor—The Smashing Pumpkins: Surely the length of the title is more impressive than the actual album. To call this a “new Pumpkins album” is the rambling of a madman. Billy Corgan probably decided that it would be a fun experiment to see how much people who still buy CDs would pay for a CD. Answer: way-too-fucking-much. You probably won’t find this release for less than $30, as it comes in a wooden box with a little marble obelisk for some reason. The EP is 4 songs that wind up being a combination of Zwan and The Decemberists—which, in theory, would be pretty rad…but in practice, it’s wholly unsatisfying–especially when you try to pass it off as Pumpkins.

Brothers—The Black Keys: It’s nice to see The Black Keys switching up their sound, if only slightly. Not that I’ve grown weary of their perfected straight-forward rock n’roll/blues, but after an already extensive catalog, it’s pleasant to see some variation on the theme. I’m ashamed to say that I hadn’t actively listened to The Black Keys before they were featured in the 2007 film Black Snake Moan, despite them having been around for the better part of the last decade. I was a fool, and I now accept the error of my ways.

Rebirth—Lil Wayne: I have to be honest and say that it took a while for Weezy to grow on me, but this album is such solid fucking gold that I feel mentally disabled for ignoring Lil Wayne for so long. We should all offer our thanks to Aerosmith and Run DMC for creating the genre of “Rap Rock” despite Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, etc, etc, etc. The difference, of course, is that Lil Wayne is a legitimately talented rapper who decided to rock out for an album, and we’re glad he did. His collaborations with Eminem, the gorgeous Nicki Minaj, and the power ballad “Die for You” are possibly the greatest tracks here, but that’s like saying that the white and red Smarties are the best. They’re all wonderful, so just shut up and eat your fucking candy.

–Alex G/likes when rappers are able rhyme words that should never, ever, ever rhyme.

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February 21, 2010 · 7:13 pm

Let’s Talk About ‘Shutter Island’

As long as everyone is talking about the latest Martin Scorsese thriller, Shutter Island, let’s take a moment to examine it in detail. Martin Scorsese is one of my favorite directors, and if he’s not one of yours, then you probably don’t like movies–or, at least, you don’t like good movies. Fact.

By all definitions of the word, Shutter Island was a good movie. It may even be a great movie–but I didn’t like it…and here’s why:

...just make out already.

1. The love affair between Scorsese and DiCaprio was cute at first, but I can’t detach my brain from the idea that as long as DiCaprio fills the screen, Scorsese’s content. Don’t get me wrong, Leonardo DiCaprio is a fantastic actor…and he does extremely well in this film…but I don’t want to see him go downhill. When a director carries a particular actor with him, and one of the two lose touch with (let’s say…) sanity, you wind up hating at least one of them–and I don’t want that to happen. I used to love Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, and now I think I hate them both.

2. Maybe I’m going crazy, but I feel like I’ve seen this movie before. Not the exact same plot, of course, but without giving anything important away, you’ll probably walk away feeling that you’ve just read the same book by a different author.

3. If the preview doesn’t give away the entire movie to you, you’re probably not paying attention. The first time I saw the preview for Shutter Island, I thought to myself: “Gee, I’ll bet (EDITED FOR SPOILERS)” And I was goddamn right. The film goes at length to make you change your mind about the ending that you’ve already determined is obvious. There are even moments when you doubt yourself, but in the end, you were right…and when a movie is that predictable, you’re not proud of being right.

4. Cliche, cliche, cliche. It seemed like everything about this movie was used before–even in parody–over and over again. This goes along with the notion that I felt as if I’ve seen this movie before. Ben Kingsley’s monologue at the end of the film actually made me laugh, even though it wasn’t supposed to. I felt like I was watching The Simpsons.

5. I liked it too much to hate it. With all of the movies I’ve seen recently, I can’t hate this movie. It was amazingly acted, Scorsese’s directing is almost unparalleled–and it’s one of those films that, even if you don’t really like it, you’ll like it because you have to. I didn’t want to leave the theater. I was captivated through the entire movie…and then when the credits came up at the end, I thought to myself, “Meh. That was worth $10 I guess…”

To put this emotion in perspective, when I saw Avatar, I thought: “Meh, that was worth $15 I guess.” It’s hard to criticize this film because almost everything about it is done right–and done well…

The parts that weren’t done well flopped. There are so many elements tossed around for the sole purpose to throw you off the scent of the predictable twist ending…and by the end of the film, you’re realize this.

The few new elements that this film adds to a played-out plot are really intriguing, but I can’t get my head around the fact that what I expected was nowhere near what I got. Don’t worry, Mr. Scorsese, I still love you.

If you want to ruin the movie for yourself and find out what film matches it almost exactly, scroll over the following TEXT: ***A Beautiful Mind***

…don’t say I didn’t warn you.

–Alex G/

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