
Hey, boys and girls! I’ve been reviewing music all year–songs and artists that I’ve really enjoyed, and those I found horrifying. I try not to be genre-specific, but it does become a strain on my ability to effectively deliver my honest opinion. Having said that, I can (and regularly do) appreciate lots of different styles of music, which you’ll see here. Some of these may not surprise you if you’ve frequented this site to read our rants and reviews, or if you’re friends with me on Facebook. Leave your comments below if you agree or disagree. I’m sure we’ll come to a polite consensus. I should also mention that these are purely looking at the video itself. Someone might have had a great song, but the video was just satisfactory. So, if we’re all on board this fucking gravy-train, let’s start off with the BEST 5 Videos I’ve seen this year:
5. Lil Wayne–How To Love
There’s a lot going on in this video, and I get that “this isn’t my life, but holy shit” moment that I always got from 2Pac’s more emotional songs. I’ve had conversations with hip hop enthusiasts who hate Lil Wayne, and others who couldn’t live without him. It could just be the heart-tugging elements of the video itself…but it’s songs like this, that cement Weezy’s relevance and diversity, IMO.
4. Tyler the Creator–Yonkers
Vulgar, offensive (to some), and with such multi-leveled introspection, I feel like I’ve been Incepted, I can never be mad at Odd Future. They gave me some of the best music (most of it for free) and one of the best concerts of the year. They’ve irritated many, arguably growing too immense for their own good, as they now walk around so high-and-mighty with their heads in the clouds that they look like collectible Bobble-Head versions of young black hipsters. They’ve inserted themselves into every possible media niche, and it all started here, when Tyler hit the mainstream. It might be nonsensical, silly, horrific batshit, but I hope it never ends.
3. Garfunkel and Oates–This Party Took a Turn for the Douche
Been in love with Garfunkel and Oates for a while, but Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome definitely have everything going in this video. With guest appearances by Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro and Alia Shawkat, and references to everything from Tim Taylor to Jeff Goldblum, I can’t get enough of this video and wind up showing it to everyone whether they like it or not. Fuck you.
2. Manchester Orchestra–Simple Math
This video doubles as one of my favorite videos and songs of the year. There’s so much happening in this tribute to, what I can only assume is, the moments that flash before you when you’re a fat kid. This video became so engrained in my mind with this song that I can hardly listen to it anymore without feeling that sense of drifting in and out of reality; and that sounds totally gayballs, but it’s true.
1. Beastie Boys–Make Some Noise
I would be amazed if this video isn’t near first place on every “Best of” list of the past year. Not only is it a celebrity-packed, epic and bad-ass homage to the aging band, but the song is phenomenal and proves that the boys from Brooklyn are still relevant. Their style, while subtly evolving and incorporating new vision, remains–at its core–identical to the old school. Mike D, MCA, and Ad-Rock are re-energized as portrayed by Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride.

And now we have to move on, I’m afraid, to the Worst of 2011…the videos that made me hate myself, the music industry, and you. But they also made me feel so much better about listening to everything for free, courtesy of the Internets.
5. Rebecca Black–Friday
I know, I know. It’s easy and it’s on every list, but it’s unavoidable. There’s no way, being a pop culture website, we could just ignore this bullshit. This took the world by storm and it’s probably the reason YouTube still exists. As horrible as this song and video are, I can’t be mad at Rebecca Black. She doesn’t know any better…which is why, I couldn’t just crash her attempt, landing it safely in the Hudson Bay of 5th place. Also, I love the completely unpredictable and insanely meaningless rap at end. This has undoubtedly made Black more money and given her more opportunities in life that anyone in her family has ever had, so…she’ll inevitably fade into obscurity when something more painful to listen to over and over and over again emerges in 2012.
4. Kreayshawn–Gucci Gucci
Some of you may find it odd that in the “Best of” section, I swooned over Odd Future, only to post a video in the “Worst of,” featuring several members of the band making guest appearances…and to that, I say: well observed! Anyone who likes this video must get themselves a CAT scan. I tried to like Kreayshawn, after her interview with Nardwuar and educating myself to her punk-rock upbringing, I thought to myself: Hey, self, this isn’t going to be awful! And immediately after, I thought: Self, why are you listening to me in the first place?
3. Skrillex–Ruffneck
As much as I can’t abide Skrillex and think all of his “songs” sound identical, this video really had me questioning whether he should be on the cover of SPIN, or that anyone should know his name (stage name). I actually liked his video for “First of the Year (Equinox),” even though the tune itself was just as shrill and irritating as this one, thus keeping it off my top 5…but this video is simply awful, and the Christmas gimmick pushed it over the edge to just being painful to watch (and listen to!).
2. Lady Gaga–Marry The Night
I’m sorry. I don’t get Lady Gaga, and I probably never will. Nothing she says or does ever seems honest or original. Her fans praise her for her weird personality, original style, and overall “fuck everybody” attitude. In reality, she just represents a new generation of club kids who dig this because they’re too fucked to realize how obnoxious it all is. Marry the Night, like all of Gaga’s videos, is far too long–and it would be entertaining if it weren’t so flat and boring. You know how people have that ongoing argument about art? Someone will say, “This isn’t art, this is just slapped together and stupid.” And then someone else will retort, “Who are you to say what art is? Maybe everything we do is a form of artistic expression!” Yeah? Well, this isn’t art.
1. Shira–Pound on my Muffin
This spot was supposed to be reserved for the lovely Courtney Stodden, who graced us with some of the worst vomit-inducing musical macabre we’ve ever heard. But, alas, her videos were all 2010 timestamped, so I had to think on my feet. This is the best/worst thing I found. Hitting it kind of close, as this just hit the internets on Christmas (of all days), but I think I found my swan song of 2011. The lyrics are so atrocious that I can’t help but think it’s a joke…but if it is, it’s not funny. Not only does Shira’s scarred and weathered appearance indicate she’s had more than her muffin pounded over the years, she has the sad, desperate demeanor of a stripper, or that girl from the neighborhood who always wanted to be a stripper, and then mysteriously disappeared. My absolute favorite part of this video has to be the faces on all of the men who make appearances, pretending to seem interested, and instead looking confused or horrified. Time will tell if this piece of shit gains any media attention. But at 60,000+ hits, it’s starting to look like a bright year for Shira!
–That’s All Folks! Welcome 2012!

Every Thursday night, the
It’s been a month since I’ve last seen the hilarious crew from
2010 has been host to some
Like any year in the exciting and ever-changing world of film, 2010 has certainly had its miserable stinkers. Over the past 12 months, my love of cinema has been bashed over the head at an alarming rate with worrisome additions to theatrical schedules. Some have been laughable, some have been boring, and a hefty amount have baffled me as to how they were even green-lighted in the first place. But there are some that really stood out to me as truly monstrous pieces of work that have horrified audiences in all the worst ways. And so, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten movies of 2010 I consider to be the most abominable of the lot. Avoid these at all costs.
One of the biggest disappointments in recent memory, this gothic horror is less spooky than a newborn baby giggling away in the comfort of its own crib. Joe Johnston‘s “The Wolfman,” a remake of the George Waggner original, has Benicio del Toro wandering around in Victorian England before being bitten by a werewolf and turned into one himself. So much potential, yet such poor execution. It’s tiresome, lifeless, and needlessly gloomy. Still, Anthony Hopkins looked to be having hammy fun as del Toro’s estranged papa.
Even if you were to pump laughing gas into every orifice of my body while I sat and watched “The Bounty Hunter,” you still wouldn’t manage to make me laugh. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who finds himself on the job of tracking down his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston. Hilarious (ha!) shenanigans occur as the ex-couple plummet towards snogging each other at the end. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Tediously unfunny star-parade that’s almost as grating as Butler’s American accent.
Any film with “furry” in the title should be treated with caution, and none more so than this eco-friendly kiddie comedy. Slapstick shenanigans occur when wild animals (who can communicate with each other through think bubbles) fight back against businessman Brendan Fraser for trying to demolish their homely forest. Thrusting environmental messages down your gagging throat with every millisecond of its overlong running time, “Furry Vengeance” was another misfire in Fraser’s shaky career. Chin up though, Brendan. I’m sure there’s another “Mummy” movie waiting for you.
With “Smokin’ Aces” taking high reign amongst my list of favourite films, it was especially uncomfortable for me to watch it get callously cut to pieces and pasted back together again in the form of this copy-cat follow-up. FBI desk jockey Tom Berenger is told he has a high price on his head, and so is rushed to a top-secret location with the authorities to hide from an array of money-hungry assassins. Sound familiar? Slothfully recreating every single plot point from its ludicrously fun predecessor to terrible effect, this sloppy straight-to-DVD sequel was a tiring chore to watch; even with Vinnie Jones as one of the baddies.
Who said basing a film on a one-panel newspaper comic strip would be a bad idea? Anyone with a brain, I’d guess. “Marmaduke,” a fly-covered dog turd of a movie, is a boring snooze-o-rama about a talking Great Dane (voiced by Owen Wilson) who moves to California with his human family. Stuff happens with other dogs, it’s all so drab, the mouth-moving CGI is creepy, and wake me up when the end credits start rolling. Down boy, down! Sit! Left paw! Right paw! Good boy! Play dead! Now stay dead.
Wes Craven’s unscary retread of past slasher horrors is less memorable than it is dull. The “Nightmare on Elm Street” director filled this bore of a stupid-teen killer with talk of souls and resurrection, which all sound pretty neat and cutting-edge, yet the movie itself is tired and monotonous. Without soul, you might say. With a lame villain, laughable script, and insipid main characters, “My Soul to Take” plunged a knife into the heart of Craven’s once-respected career. “Scream 4” looks to be in trouble.
Ah, the film that made me question Kevin Smith’s talents as a filmmaker. Smith ranted on his Twitter page about how critcs were unneeded and unwanted once they rightfully gnawed their teeth into his latest cinematic effort, but what he failed to understand was that they were very much correct in their harsh-but-fair bashing. Dire and nigh unwatchable, this tedious buddy cop comedy is less funny than having diarrhoea injected into your eyeballs, with not even the constant presence of the illustrious Bruce Willis able to make this horribly-written stinker the least bit entertaining. Yippie-kay-yay, Kevin Smith. Fat bastard.
Obnoxious, annoying, irritating, abhorrent, repugnant, loathsome, pointless drivel. Subtlety does not appear in “Sex and the City 2“‘s strawberry-scented dictionary; instead, words like “overlong,” “insensitive,” “ditzy” and “nauseating” are listed in pink, sparkly text. Lazily sending its caricature cast to Abu Dhabi to buy handbags, shoes, and act like total sluts, “Sex and the City 2″ did more to set women back than empower them. Judging by what I’ve watched of the beloved TV series on which this is based, the second big-screen outing of the independent gals is a deep-reaching cunt punt to its much-worshipped name. Piss off, girls, and take your shitty movie with you.
To say that “Fred: The Movie” is an excruciating ordeal to sit through simply would not justify the unadulterated savagery of such a harrowing experience. Made-for-TV in the US (though somehow it got a theatrical release in the UK), this mind-boggling disaster marks the first (and hopefully last) feature-length outing for the YouTube phenomenon known as Fred Figglehorn, portrayed by Lucas Cruikshank. He’s a teenager with a stalkerish infatuation with his female neighbour, he has an unendurable squeaky voice, he never shuts the hell up, and I want him to be crushed to death under the weight of a school bus. Kids these days.
And now we come to the big, rotten, festering cheese. From the makers of (sigh) “Date Movie,” “Disaster Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “Meet the Spartans” came yet another laugh-free, fart-filled spoof in the form of this half-assed “Twilight” parody. Unbearably unfunny and a thousand times worse than what it is meant to be mocking (without any effort put in), “Vampires Suck” is an agonizing 76-minute-long showcase in how not to make an audience laugh. Utterly torturous, and one of the most useless contributions to celluloid since John Travolta dressed up as a Jamaican extraterrestrial in “Battlefield Earth.” The only thing amusing here is the irony of the title.
Well folks, it looks like Christmastime is upon us once again, and the weather outside certainly is frightful. It’s hard to believe it’s been twelve months since last year’s gleeful celebrations, but it’s here; and December 25th is approaching pretty darn fast. As per usual, fluorescent lights will be decorating the houses on the streets you pass, trees will be being put up in the corners of living rooms, kids will be building crude snowmen in their front gardens, and dads everywhere will be squeezing their way into now-undersized Santa suits. And what better way to celebrate
10. “Scrooged” (1988) — First on the nice list is Richard Donner’s “Scrooged,” a fantasy comedy starring everyone’s favourite funnyman, Bill Murray. A modern (well, modern in the ’80s) retelling of
9. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) — The third of the misadventures of the infamous Griswold family, “Christmas Vacation” follows the dysfunctional household as they celebrate the jovial month and excitedly prepare for the big day itself.
8. “Elf” (2003) — Before
7. “The Santa Clause” (1994) — A bit of a nostalgia piece for me, John Pasquin’s family comedy stars Tim Allen as a man who accidentally kills Santa Claus. Through some contractual rules, the cranky father-of-one is forced to don the famous red suit and floppy hat, having to take on the obligations of the chubby present-giver whether he likes it or not. A definite high-point of Allen’s so-so film career, “
6. “Die Hard” (1988) — “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” may not sound like the joyous catchphrase to a hee-haw Yuletide family film, but action-flick “
5. “Gremlins” (1984) — Another non-traditional Xmas picture, Joe Dante’s “
4. “Home Alone” (1990) — John Hughes will always be known for his seminal ’80s chick-flicks, but what I will always remember him for is for scribing the wickedly funny slapstick “Home Alone,” a childhood favourite of mine. The film that shot Macaulay Culkin to fame (before he disappeared into some unknown parallel dimension), “
3. “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947) — Whether or not you believe in Santa Claus (how could you not?), you’ll adore this black-and-white classic from writer/director George Seaton.
1. “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) — Heartwarming, funny, tender and emotional, Frank Capra’s “
The first time I ever shot I was soo freakin’ nervous. I had a shoot with Mr. Marcus and I had a huge crush on him before getting into porn. The way he was soo professional on the set, gave me insight of how some people are in this industry. I thought it was just one BIG PARTY. Boy , was I so wrong.

9. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974) — As a grisly, darkly humorous splatter-shocker, Tobe Hooper’s controversial, blood-soaked horror has become a popular cult film over the years. Still carrying the ability to horrify today’s audiences, it’s set in sweaty Texas, and follows five teenagers as they’re violently offed one-by-one by the iconic chainsaw-wielder Leatherface. As brutal as the title suggests, but brilliantly effective.
8. “Jaws” (1975) — Perhaps the least scary of the list, Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” nonetheless remains a filmic PowerPoint on how to utilise cinematic tension. The monster is nothing more than a hungry, man-devouring shark — a great white that’s stalking the waters of Amity Island. Roy Scheider, playing the local police chief, goes out on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw to hunt down the ravenous sea-beast. Suspenseful as hell, “Jaws” is a tour de force in fabulous filmmaking that will leave most viewers hesitant to go back in the water. This film, swallow you whole.
7. “Night of the Living Dead” (1968) — Filled with allusions to racism and the Vietnam War, George A. Romero’s black-and-white “Night of the Living Dead” is one of the most influential zombie movies ever released. Certainly ahead of its time, it revolves around several individuals as they barricade themselves in a house surrounded by undead flesh-eaters. Braaaaains. This film has ‘em.
6. “Halloween” (1978) — A standard-setting stalk-’n'-slash picture, “Halloween” was the first film to feature masked-maniac Michael Myers. John Carpenter’s madman-on-the-loose horror hosts a whole plethora of scares and surprises as Myers cuts his way through his childhood neighbourhood. In Jamie Lee Curtis’ film debut, she plays the unsuspecting babysitter who ends up being Michael’s primary target. Trick or treat? Or maybe die?
5. “Alien” (1979) — The only entry in the list to be set in space, Ridley Scott’s masterful “Alien” never fails to send an unnerving chill up one’s spine. Even scarier than your mother-in-law’s bare-naked physique, it charts the attempts of a space crew at killing a bloodthirsty extraterrestrial that’s run amuck on their ship. Images of a miniature creature bursting out of John Hurt’s chest are far more joyfully ghastly than almost anything being produced today. Bleurgh.
4. “The Thing” (1982) — Without a doubt one of the most sickeningly gory movies to ever spray across a cinema screen, “The Thing” is a chilling tale of 12 men living in an isolated base in Antarctica who are forced to battle a shape-changing alien. The outer-space life form can mimic any anatomy, leading to painstaking tension as the increasingly paranoid characters accuse each other of being the heinous creature. An unforgettable showcase of fantastic practical effects and utterly nerve-wracking anxiety. And Kurt Russell with an awesomely bushy beard.
3. “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984) — As writer and director Wes Craven’s quintessential horror masterpiece and a creative landmark of the genre, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was the first of many outings for professional dream-stalker Freddy Krueger. The burn-faced, catchphrase-cackling, merciless child murderer, played effortlessly by Robert Englund, pierces his young victims with a razor-fingered glove while they sleep in this expertly executed teen-slasher flick. Quickly springing to the title of a horror icon, Freddy Krueger has become a significant key player in movie-related culture. Freddy’s the man/dream-demon.
2. “Evil Dead 2″ (1987) — The low-budget sequel to the best tree-rape movie ever, “Evil Dead 2″ showed how slapstick comedy can work alongside supernatural horror, with awe-inspiring results. Starring a hunky Bruce Campbell as cowardy-custard Ash Williams, the hysterical horror-comedy had over-the-top spirits and soul-swallowing demons tormenting the poor frightened fellow in an isolated cabin in the woods. Sam Raimi’s hilariously manic direction fuels what is an insanely entertaining and side-splitting horror with physical humour reminiscent of The Three Stooges. Groovy.
1. “The Shining” (1980) — And finally, taking the top spot as the best horror movie ever made (well, according to me), it’s Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Based on the 1977 novel by horror maestro Stephen King, this haunting masterpiece was the perfect opportunity for star Jack Nicholson to gnaw on some scenery. He plays Jack Torrance, a writer who becomes the caretaker of the isolated Overlook Hotel for the winter. Staying with his wife and son, Wendy and Danny, in the vast hotel, he starts to become distracted, hostile, and is seemingly driven insane by the long-residing evil living within the resort, taking to trying to murder his family with an axe in the film’s thrilling climax. A definite must-see for horror fans everywhere. Heeeeeeere’s a great movie. And wheeeeeeeeere’s Jack Nicholson’s Oscar?
Let’s start off with a bit of honesty: I have listened to some pretty shitty music in my time, and I’m sure many of the bands I enjoy, some of you would find objectionable–but that isn’t the point.
10. The Jonas Brothers–I suppose there’s no list without at least mentioning
9. 3OH!3–Our dedicated readers may recall an article where I praised
8. Justin Bieber–Yes, yes, I know. Too easy, right? Of course
7. Nickelback–Ah, Nickelback, the band who famously lost out to “a Pickle” in a much-publicized Facebook race. There have been plenty of parodies and plenty of anti-
6. Hellyeah–I’ll admit, I don’t know a hell-uv-alot about
5. Boys Like Girls–Simply put, trash rock (or what Weezer fans would call “pussy rock”) is a phase we all went through in High School, when, even though we were all getting some, we had this notion that life was twisted, weird, and utterly bleak. Not such a misguided thought, but we were total fags about it. We listened to
4. Shinedown–Zzzzzzz…oh, what? Hm? Sorry, I thought I was having a fucking nightmare. Nope. This band exists. Let me give you a little back-story here…I was going to (and I mean struggling to) but Insane Clown Posse on this list; and I couldn’t. ICP has no future in the entertainment industry and never realistically had a chance. They have a limited following, and to everyone else they’re a joke (including themselves, probably).
3. Ke$ha–Well, the party’s started and I’m sure I haven’t been invited, because–aside from radio and mock-news shows, I haven’t heard any of
2. LMFAO–Are you drinking now? Taking shots? Good. Let’s hope so. You may not know the name
1. Lady Gaga–You’ve hit the nail on the head. This is going to be an unpopular one–I can feel it. 
























