Category Archives: Top 10 List

January 2, 2012 · 7:50 pm

Best and Worst Music Videos of 2011

Hey, boys and girls! I’ve been reviewing music all year–songs and artists that I’ve really enjoyed, and those I found horrifying. I try not to be genre-specific, but it does become a strain on my ability to effectively deliver my honest opinion. Having said that, I can (and regularly do) appreciate lots of different styles of music, which you’ll see here. Some of these may not surprise you if you’ve frequented this site to read our rants and reviews, or if you’re friends with me on Facebook. Leave your comments below if you agree or disagree. I’m sure we’ll come to a polite consensus. I should also mention that these are purely looking at the video itself. Someone might have had a great song, but the video was just satisfactory. So, if we’re all on board this fucking gravy-train, let’s start off with the BEST 5 Videos I’ve seen this year:

5. Lil Wayne–How To Love

There’s a lot going on in this video, and I get that “this isn’t my life, but holy shit” moment that I always got from 2Pac’s more emotional songs. I’ve had conversations with hip hop enthusiasts who hate Lil Wayne, and others who couldn’t live without him. It could just be the heart-tugging elements of the video itself…but it’s songs like this, that cement Weezy’s relevance and diversity, IMO.

4. Tyler the Creator–Yonkers

Vulgar, offensive (to some), and with such multi-leveled introspection, I feel like I’ve been Incepted, I can never be mad at Odd Future. They gave me some of the best music (most of it for free) and one of the best concerts of the year. They’ve irritated many, arguably growing too immense for their own good, as they now walk around so high-and-mighty with their heads in the clouds that they look like collectible Bobble-Head versions of young black hipsters. They’ve inserted themselves into every possible media niche, and it all started here, when Tyler hit the mainstream. It might be nonsensical, silly, horrific batshit, but I hope it never ends.

3. Garfunkel and Oates–This Party Took a Turn for the Douche

Been in love with Garfunkel and Oates for a while, but Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome definitely have everything going in this video. With guest appearances by Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro and Alia Shawkat, and references to everything from Tim Taylor to Jeff Goldblum, I can’t get enough of this video and wind up showing it to everyone whether they like it or not. Fuck you.

2. Manchester Orchestra–Simple Math

This video doubles as one of my favorite videos and songs of the year. There’s so much happening in this tribute to, what I can only assume is, the moments that flash before you when you’re a fat kid. This video became so engrained in my mind with this song that I can hardly listen to it anymore without feeling that sense of drifting in and out of reality; and that sounds totally gayballs, but it’s true.

1. Beastie Boys–Make Some Noise

I would be amazed if this video isn’t near first place on every “Best of” list of the past year. Not only is it a celebrity-packed, epic and bad-ass homage to the aging band, but the song is phenomenal and proves that the boys from Brooklyn are still relevant. Their style, while subtly evolving and incorporating new vision, remains–at its core–identical to the old school. Mike D, MCA, and Ad-Rock are re-energized as portrayed by Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride.

And now we have to move on, I’m afraid, to the Worst of 2011…the videos that made me hate myself, the music industry, and you. But they also made me feel so much better about listening to everything for free, courtesy of the Internets.

5. Rebecca Black–Friday

I know, I know. It’s easy and it’s on every list, but it’s unavoidable. There’s no way, being a pop culture website, we could just ignore this bullshit. This took the world by storm and it’s probably the reason YouTube still exists. As horrible as this song and video are, I can’t be mad at Rebecca Black. She doesn’t know any better…which is why, I couldn’t just crash her attempt, landing it safely in the Hudson Bay of 5th place. Also, I love the completely unpredictable and insanely meaningless rap at end. This has undoubtedly made Black more money and given her more opportunities in life that anyone in her family has ever had, so…she’ll inevitably fade into obscurity when something more painful to listen to over and over and over again emerges in 2012.

4. Kreayshawn–Gucci Gucci

Some of you may find it odd that in the “Best of” section, I swooned over Odd Future, only to post a video in the “Worst of,” featuring several members of the band making guest appearances…and to that, I say: well observed! Anyone who likes this video must get themselves a CAT scan. I tried to like Kreayshawn, after her interview with Nardwuar and educating myself to her punk-rock upbringing, I thought to myself: Hey, self, this isn’t going to be awful! And immediately after, I thought: Self, why are you listening to me in the first place?

3. Skrillex–Ruffneck

As much as I can’t abide Skrillex and think all of his “songs” sound identical, this video really had me questioning whether he should be on the cover of SPIN, or that anyone should know his name (stage name). I actually liked his video for “First of the Year (Equinox),” even though the tune itself was just as shrill and irritating as this one, thus keeping it off my top 5…but this video is simply awful, and the Christmas gimmick pushed it over the edge to just being painful to watch (and listen to!).

2. Lady Gaga–Marry The Night

I’m sorry. I don’t get Lady Gaga, and I probably never will. Nothing she says or does ever seems honest or original. Her fans praise her for her weird personality, original style, and overall “fuck everybody” attitude. In reality, she just represents a new generation of club kids who dig this because they’re too fucked to realize how obnoxious it all is. Marry the Night, like all of Gaga’s videos, is far too long–and it would be entertaining if it weren’t so flat and boring. You know how people have that ongoing argument about art? Someone will say, “This isn’t art, this is just slapped together and stupid.” And then someone else will retort, “Who are you to say what art is? Maybe everything we do is a form of artistic expression!” Yeah? Well, this isn’t art.

1. Shira–Pound on my Muffin

This spot was supposed to be reserved for the lovely Courtney Stodden, who graced us with some of the worst vomit-inducing musical macabre we’ve ever heard. But, alas, her videos were all 2010 timestamped, so I had to think on my feet. This is the best/worst thing I found. Hitting it kind of close, as this just hit the internets on Christmas (of all days), but I think I found my swan song of 2011. The lyrics are so atrocious that I can’t help but think it’s a joke…but if it is, it’s not funny. Not only does Shira’s scarred and weathered appearance indicate she’s had more than her muffin pounded over the years, she has the sad, desperate demeanor of a stripper, or that girl from the neighborhood who always wanted to be a stripper, and then mysteriously disappeared. My absolute favorite part of this video has to be the faces on all of the men who make appearances, pretending to seem interested, and instead looking confused or horrified. Time will tell if this piece of shit gains any media attention. But at 60,000+ hits, it’s starting to look like a bright year for Shira!

–That’s All Folks! Welcome 2012!

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· 5:37 pm

Top Ten Worst Films of 2011

Yesterday evening, I posted a list of what I believe to be the top 25 best films of 2011; now it’s time to look at the opposite end of the spectrum. Listed below are the ten films I believe to be the worst of the worst of 2011 – yes, these are the cinema releases that most made me want to vomit and gag and peel the flesh from my face. While 2011 certainly offered us some enchanting, intelligent and inspiring pieces of cinema, it unfortunately also produced a wide array of calamitous clunkers that numbed the mind and churned the stomach. Some had cross-dressing, some had fart gags, some had nose-picking and one had a human centipede. So, let’s brace ourselves and take a look back at the top ten worst films of 2011 – be smug, happy and bright-eyed if you’ve managed to avoid any of these.
10. “Apollo 18”

 

On a scale of “Plan 9 from Outer Space” to “2001: A Space Odyssey,” “Apollo 18” probably sits at about the same level as that “Lost in Space” film starring Joey from “Friends.” It’s a science-fiction film set on the moon – this immediately brings to mind Duncan Jones’ masterful sci-fi thriller “Moon,” a comparison which is never going to work in “Apollo 18”’s favour. Unlike “Moon,” however, “Apollo 18” is a horror film and is presented to us as found footage, a la “The Blair Witch Project” and “Paranormal Activity,” though to even less convincing effect. Its footage is of a supposed Apollo 18 mission to the moon that NASA launched in 1974. The mission goes horribly wrong when the astronauts land on the moon’s surface and discover that there are vicious little crab-like creatures lurking about outside their craft. On paper, this may sound like a perfectly interesting premise, but I assure you that in practice, “Apollo 18” is anything but interesting. It is in fact a dull, boring and tedious piece of space horror that takes what seems like forever to get going and feels overlong even at a length of 90 minutes. Zero gravity? More like zero effort.
9. “Sucker Punch”

 

Unlike the rest of the films on this list, all of which I watched knowing damn well they’d be utterly terrible, I walked into “Sucker Punch” expecting a genuinely decent movie. I took the film’s overwhelmingly negative reviews with a pinch of salt and walked into the film with the general idea that I was about to experience a supremely awesome time at the cinema. Instead, “Sucker Punch” turned out to be something entirely different:  a mind-numbing disaster of a film that discarded narrative coherency in favour of lovely visuals. The film is a fantasy actioner co-written and directed by Zack “300” Snyder. It stars Emily Browning as Babydoll, a young lady who is placed inside a mental asylum by her sadistic rapist of a stepfather. For some strange reason, the asylum swiftly transforms into a brothel where Babydoll must dance for perverted male clients. Even stranger, every time Babydoll starts dancing she is transported to a fantasy world where she, along with the asylum/brothel’s inmates/dancers, must battle supernatural creatures. Umm, yeah. Like Snyder’s previous efforts (most of which I genuinely liked), “Sucker Punch” has plenty of visual magnificence, but it’s in every other area that the film suffers. Sure, it’s an ambitious and original effort, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an arse-numbing, headache-inducing 110 minutes of unrelenting tedium that succeeds in being entertaining only in brief, unsatisfying spurts – I expect more from a film involving zombie Nazis, gun-toting cyborgs and fire-breathing dragons.
8. “Abduction”

 

If anyone out there is unsure as to whether or not Taylor Lautner is nothing more than a glorified porn actor, then “Abduction” will settle your mind: yes, he is. Directed by the once-talented John Singleton, “Abduction” saw Lautner in his first proper leading role, and it’s almost hilarious – actually, it is very hilarious – just how much he managed to screw it up. Lautner stars as Nathan Harper, a hunky teen who, after seeing a picture of himself on a missing person’s website, discovers that his parents are not in fact his parents. Soon after this shocking discovery that was revealed in the trailers, Nathan’s parents are murdered by assassins, forcing Nathan to go on the run with pointless love interest Karen (played by Lily Collins), all the while trying to figure out his true identity. With sloppy direction, laughable dialogue and a cardboard cut-out of a leading man, “Abduction” is a half-assed and ham-fisted excuse for an action picture; I’d say it’s taking a few too many pages from the “Bourne” trilogy’s book, but I honestly don’t think this film can read.
7. “New Year’s Eve”

 

Perhaps the most shocking thing about “New Year’s Eve” is that it attracted the interest of three highly respected Oscar-winning actors (Hilary Swank, Halle Berry and Robert De Niro); it’s also of note that it attracted the interest of a few Teen Choice Award-winners and -nominees (Ashton Kutcher and Zac Efron, among others), though that is significantly less shocking. The film is essentially a semi-sequel to the tedious 2010 rom-com ensemble piece “Valentine’s Day;” it has the same director (Garry Marshall), the same writer (Katherine Fugate), the same general premise and some of the same actors (though all playing slightly different characters). It takes place on (duh) New Year’s Eve and follows a convoluted band of ridiculously good-looking New York couples and singletons as they experience drama, romance and other deeply uninteresting trials and tribulations. Meanwhile, the whole world waits impatiently for the drop of the big ball in Times Square that will mark the very beginning of 2012. Sounds positively riveting, does it not? Blandly written and ceaselessly dull, the sickeningly syrupy “New Year’s Eve” is a two-hour endurance test featuring unfunny comedy, undramatic drama and unbearable characters; some of the more respectable A-listers do appear to put some effort into their roles, but it’s a struggle to shake the feeling that they’re just picking up a quick paycheck.
6. “Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son”

 

Adding to the ever-growing list of “sequels nobody asked for” was the third instalment of the much-derided “Big Momma” franchise – yes, somehow we’ve let it get this far. This insipid threequel sees a desperate Martin Lawrence dressing up as a big fat old lady again, a joke that grew wearisome halfway through the first movie. This time, Malcolm Turner the cross-dressing cop must go into hiding at an all-girls performing arts school along with his teenage stepson, Trent (played by Brandon T. Jackson), after Trent witnesses a murder; Malcolm (or Big Momma) gets a job as the house mother, while Trent (or Charmaine) becomes a student of the school. So, we’re inevitably presented with a wide array of unfunny fat jokes, unfunny awkward situations, unfunny Martin Lawrence and, for some inexplicable reason, a random musical number. And it’s all ever so chucklesome because this time there’s not only one Big Momma, but two Big Mommas! Ha ha! Oh lawdy lawd. Surprisingly though, “Big Momma 3” wasn’t the worst cross-dressing comedy of 2011; we shall come to that winner/loser soon.
5. “Something Borrowed”

 

It’s almost unbelievable how unmemorable of a film “Something Borrowed” really is. In fact, it’s a film so unmemorable that when I looked at the “worst films of 2011” notes I’ve been jotting down since the summer, I saw the film’s title and actually had to google the film to remember what the hell it was – even after remembering that I’d watched and reviewed the film, my memory of it was still astonishingly vague. Anyway, “Something Borrowed” is a romantic comedy – I remember that much. As Wikipedia reminds me, it was based on Emily Giffin’s “chick lit” novel of the same name and starred Ginnifer Goodwin as Rachel, a single thirtysomething attorney who sleeps with her best friend’s fiancé. This starts an intricate web of lies and deceit as these pair of deeply immoral, horny douchebags continue sleeping together behind the best friend’s back. Look, I hardly even remember watching this useless piece of shit, let alone reviewing the damn thing, but what I do remember is being freakishly uninterested in every single plot point and character it contained, so much so that it appears I have turned the film into a repressed memory – put that on your poster, Warner Bros.
4. “The Roommate”

 

One film I do remember sitting through, however, is “The Roommate,” which easily takes the gong for the single most boring film of 2011. This is a fact that is made all the more surprising when one remembers that “The Roommate” was intended to be a thriller – y’know, a film that’s meant to thrill. Instead, “The Roommate” is more likely to bore you to tears than get your heart racing as it intended – indeed, your heart may very well keel over halfway through this uninspired load of old tosh. The film, which is directed by hilariously named filmmaker Christian Christiansen, stars Minka Kelly as Sara Matthews, a girl who has just started her freshman year at college. Her roommate is Rebecca (played by Leighton Meester), who soon turns out to be a crazy psycho-bitch who quickly develops an unhealthy obsession with the unsuspecting Sara. Essentially a cheap knock-off of the far superior “Single White Female,” this drab and coma-inducing stalker-thriller arouses one’s interest only in a scene where a sweet little pussycat is placed inside a tumble dryer – it surely aroused interest from the RSPCA too.
3. “Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World”

 

It is positively mortifying that writer-director Robert Rodriguez decided to film “Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World” instead of going ahead with the hotly anticipated sequel to his untouchable neo-noir masterpiece, “Sin City;” why Rodriguez believes the world needed another instalment in the “Spy Kids” franchise I don’t know, but what I do know is this: I want “Sin City 2,” and I want it here, and I want it now. Nevertheless, filming “Spy Kids 4” is exactly what Rodriguez did, and the result is arguably the worst film of the American filmmaker’s hit-or-miss career – yes, it’s right down there with kid-friendly 3D train wreck “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.” Essentially acting as an unwanted reboot of the “Spy Kids” franchise, “All the Time in the World” (which was released in 4D, aka smell-o-vision) replaced series regulars Daryl Sabara and Alexa Vega with Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook, two annoying youngsters who, in the film, discover that their mother (played by Jessica Alba) is a spy. With the help of their robot dog (voiced by Ricky Gervais), these personality-free whippersnappers go up against the villainous Time Keeper, a masked maniac who plans on stealing the world’s time (don’t ask me to explain because I really don’t know). Chock-a-block with an unbearable amount of time-related puns and disturbingly unfunny jokes (most of which involve boogers and poop), “Spy Kids 4” was every bit as dumb as “Spy Kids 3D” and every bit as stale as its 4D gimmick – seriously, Rodriguez, you are better than this.
2. “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)”

 

Director Tom Six promised moviegoers the world over that no one would walk out of the sequel to his cult horror hit “The Human Centipede” complaining that Six hadn’t gone far enough with the violence. Well, Six achieved this: “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” is every bit as depraved and grisly as the Dutch filmmaker proudly promised it would be. The only problem is that Six seemed to have either completely forgotten or completely ignored every other aspect that goes into making a movie; making sure it’s watchable, for example. This gore-tastic torture-porn sequel saw Laurence R. Harvey starring as Martin, an obsessive fan of the original “The Human Centipede.” Martin, who doesn’t utter a single word throughout the entire film, bravely and stupidly aspires to recreate the medical experiments depicted in his favourite film, but this time with twelve victims sewn ass-to-mouth instead of three. Oh, did I say sewn? Sorry, I meant stapled. Smothered in blood, poop and sick (although mercifully filmed in black-and-white), this revolting showcase of pitiful desperation is as pathetic and incompetent as they come. Y’know, someone really should staple Tom Six’s lips to his own asshole – maybe that will appease the self-adoring moron.
1. “Jack and Jill”

 

And in the number one spot is hack director Dennis Dugan’s mind-numbing 90-minute Dunkin’ Donuts commercial starring Adam Sandler as (get this, right) his own sister. Yes, running on a grand total of two jokes (the other being that the sister is very annoying), the endlessly excruciating and mind-bogglingly beastly “Jack and Jill” is already worn-out before it reaches the ten minute mark – still, it powers through, bafflingly hitting lower and lower lows, eventually ending with Al Pacino dancing and singing about how much he loves Dunkin’ Donuts (I am not fucking kidding). The story, loose as the film’s screw, has Sandler playing Jack, an ad executive whose obnoxious twin sister, Jill (Sandler in drag), stays over for Thanksgiving and never leaves. Cue a lazy display of dreadfully unfunny jokes revolving around Jill’s social idiocy and cultural ignorance, which stretches from accidentally crushing a Shetland pony’s legs to loudly yelling into her phone in a movie theatre (ha ha, she so grating). Witless, plotless, monotonous and mindless, “Jack and Jill” is a film so bad that one suspects Sandler is attempting career suicide – and if he’s not, then God help his sanity.

Endnote: The rules for films eligible for inclusion on this list are exactly the same as stated in the Best of 2011 list.

(For more from Stephen Watson, visit his site: Just Another Movie Blog)

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July 26, 2011 · 4:44 pm

Stand Up at The Raven Leaves Our Midnight Anything But Dreary

Every Thursday night, the Raven Lounge in downtown Philadelphia makes the radical transformation from a hip, scenester club to a hip, scenester club with Stand Up comedy. It’s incredible. The Raven features modestly-priced drinks with the mandatory Philly specials, toys and games scattered around the tables and bar, and a ceiling covered in the ramblings of drunk chicks with glow pens. Needless to say, it’s an interesting locale. It is upstairs, however, where the Thirsty Thursday magic takes place. Comedians gather by the droves to perform on a small stage for a comfortably-sized audience. For this many funnymen (and women), the price tag of “absolutely fucking free” should be a no-brainer.

Comedians at the Raven are often doing their routines in front of fellow performers and a semi-respectful audience, so they use this opportunity to develop new material or further hone what they feel is the best of what they have to offer. As with anything else, the comics can be hit or miss, but you will never leave The Raven disappointed or having not laughed your ass off. Even if a particular comedian isn’t in your taste, the next 3 or 4 will be spot on.

As if we can’t mention this enough, comedy nights at the Raven Lounge every Thursday are run by the good people at Center City Comedy. The team of Cassidy, Cotton and Foley never cease to impress and always bring the best talent in the Philly comedy scene to the masses.

I will be back. Hopefully every week. Keep up the good work, everybody!

As always, here are some featured moments from last week’s revue:

Mary Radzinski

Christian Alsis

Steve Miller-Miller

Dick Tracy

Ryan Shaner

Brandon “Ketchup” Wilson

James Hesky

Tom Cassidy

Jack Martin

Chris Cotton

(All footage shot by Alex Gross/SuperDPS.com)

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June 3, 2011 · 8:58 pm

Main Street Comedy: Bringing Funny Back

It’s been a month since I’ve last seen the hilarious crew from Main Street Comedy. Their performances never cease to amaze me and I’m honored to call them…people I’ve met. The lineup is always changing which makes each show interesting and new. This month’s theme was “Bike Race Fever,” to piggyback on the upcoming drunken shit-show that is Philadelphia’s cycling competition.

The show was, as always, at Mad River on Main Street in Manayunk; and hosted by the lovely and exotic, H. Foley. Foley managed the room wonderfully and introduced some comedians who weren’t in the lineup the previous month such as Danny Ozark, Ian Fidance, James Hesky, Jack Martin, Ryan Shaner, and Subhah Agarwal.

The comic styles were all over the map, which certainly kept things fresh; from dick and fart jokes to delightful faux-racism.

Here are some great clips from a perfect night of stand-up. Don’t forget to join us next time (every 1st Wednesday at Mad River) or every Thursday night at Raven Lounge in Center City Philadelphia.

Tom Cassidy

Chris Cotton

James Hesky

Jack Martin

Danny Ozark

Ryan Shaner

Subhah Agarwal

Ian Fidance

Lump

–Alex G/

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December 28, 2010 · 5:20 pm

The Top Ten Best Films of 2010

2010 has been host to some
truly inspiring works of cinematic art. In a year of catastrophic
oil spills and Chilean miners trapped 2,300 ft underground, films
allow us to momentarily forget these instances outside the theatre,
letting us get sucked into the realities they create and raise a
smile or arouse a tear. Sure, 2010 hasn’t been the strongest of
years for moviemaking (don’t we say that every year?), but a select
few flicks are nothing other than superb examples of committed
craftsmanship. Without further ado, here are my ten
favourites. See these if you can.

10. “Rabbit Hole”
– A true cry-a-thon if I ever saw one, “Rabbit
Hole” stars Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart as two
parents who are in grieving. Their four-year-old son has been
killed in a car accident, a tragic event that changes them as
people and as a once-happy couple. The film is a melancholy one,
almost depressing, but the melodrama that surrounds it is
stacked-up on emotion that doesn’t seem forced or contrived. Kidman
near cries herself to dehydration for an
Oscar, and by golly she’s worthy of it. A bit
of a downer, but an effective piece of poignant filmmaking that
will make lips quiver and eyes fill with tears.

9. “Exit Through the Gift
Shop” — The fact that
“Exit Through the Gift Shop” might
possibly all be a hoax makes it all the more fascinating. A
documentary on a documentary, it follows shop keeper Thierry
Guetta, a quirky Frenchman who has a passion for filming every
aspect of his daily life. He doesn’t have any focus for the
mountains of tapes he’s collecting — that is, until he begins to
point the camera at local street artists. The footage (of which
there is many) has been hijacked and re-edited by British graffiti
icon and genius Banksy, the faceless artist Thierry ends up working
with. Unexpectedly hysterical, “Exit Through the Gift
Shop” is a compelling exploration of not only the
world of art, but of a man who shows how easy it is to become what
some blindly consider a visionary. Real or fake, fact or prank,
it’s a bloody brilliant documentary/mockumentary that should
provoke some thought in your noggin.

8. “Black Swan”
– Haunting and bizarre, Darren Aronofsky’s drama-horror and
psychological thriller shows how ambition can drive one totally
nuts. Natalie Portman is a ballerina who lands the role of The Swan
Queen in a New York production of “Swan Lake,” causing her to
obsessively rehearse and rehearse until her grip on reality begins
to loosen, with nightmarish hallucinations taunting her fragile
mind. Portman is astonishing in the lead role, and Aronofsky’s
direction is a visual jaw-dropper. Disturbing and bold, this will
linger and twirl in your defenceless brain for quite some time –
and not only for the lesbian sex scene.

7. “Let Me In” –
The only remake on the list, Matt Reeves’ “Let Me
In” is based on the cult Swedish vampire horror “Let
the Right One In,” directed by Tomas Alfredson. Relocated to 1983
New Mexico, the American remake centres on a bullied boy, Owen, as
a blood-thirsty, yet innocent-looking girl, Abby, moves into the
apartment next door. She’s been 12 for a very long time,
apparently. The two bond over the course of the film as mismatched
friends, Owen blissfully unaware of Abby’s vampiric state. A creepy
aura surrounds every shiver-inspiring scene, the film as
unforgettably unsettling as the acclaimed original, making for a
chilling and remarkably enticing horror-drama.
“Twilight” fans, take note.

6. “Scott Pilgrim vs. the
World” — It’s rare that a film is as
zany or creative as “Scott Pilgrim vs. the
World,” an adaptation of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s
six-volume cult comic book. Edgar Wright’s astoundingly energetic,
cartoonish hipster-comedy is set in a world in which the laws of
physics are similar to that of a video game — Nintendo
sound-effects, people exploding into coins, etc. The titular
character, played by a shaggy-haired Michael Cera, must battle the
seven evil exes of the girl of his dreams to win her over, leading
to some beautifully-shot action sequences, as well as a Bollywood
musical number. Brilliant, mesmerisingly inventive stuff that nerds
everywhere will gawk at in wonder.

5. “Toy Story 3”
– Pixar expectedly did it once again with the
third instalment of the celebrated toys-gone-wild franchise, mixing
deep-rooted nostalgia with colourful visuals to make for a
magnificent family film. This adorable adventure had our iconic
stuffed characters accidentally sent away to day care, where they
must try to escape from the once-comforting residents.
Fantastically comical, angelically animated, and eye-wateringly
sentimental, “Toy Story 3” is a
triumphant ending to the rightfully-idolised trilogy. Woody and
Buzz are still as awesome as ever.

4. “Four Lions”
– This Brit-flick revolves around a group of wannabe radical
Muslim terrorists as they prepare to mercilessly suicide bomb the
London Marathon. Perfect subject matter for a comedy, then. Chris
Morris’ seemingly controversial, side-splittingly funny satire
balances hilarity with surprising tenderness as we watch our
utterly incompetent jihadists screw everything up for 97
titillating minutes, aiming bazookas the wrong way round and
accidentally blowing up sheep in grassy fields. Fuck mini baby
bells!

3. “Kick-Ass” –
“Kick-Ass” can easily be described as
the filmic definition of the word
“fun.” A hilariously sick-minded
satire of the superhero genre, Matthew Vaughn’s gorgeous comic book
action-comedy-thriller is a rare example of a popcorn
audience-pleaser at its very finest. Aaron Johnson stars as Dave
Lizewski, a young adult who dreams of one day becoming an
ass-kicking superhero, and so decides to take on crime as a
wetsuit-wearing vigilante named Kick-Ass. An awesome cast –
including a foul-mouthed, relentlessly violent 11-year-old girl –
makes for the best superhero feature of the year, with bullets
piercing through the air and blood spraying with no end in sight.
This is my kinda movie.

2. “Inception” –
Christopher Nolan, how I love thee. The “Memento” director proved
himself once again to be nothing short of a genius of the
filmmaking profession with his ambitious, original, and beautiful
“Inception.” Following fugitive
Leonardo DiCaprio as he tries to get back to America to see his
kids, “Inception” takes place mainly
in the dream world as DiCaprio and his loyal team raid and
physically explore the mind of Cillian Murphy to plant an idea in
his subconscious. Innovative and intellectually stimulating,
“Inception” is a blockbuster
masterpiece that never fails to amaze. I’ll have antigravity fight
scenes with a side of buildings folding in on themselves, and a
dash of Hans Zimmer’s breathtaking score, please. Extra epicness,
too.

1. “The Social Network” — Easily taking the top, bright, golden prize for 2010, “The Social Network” is the kind of Oscar-baiting stuff that actually deserves the naked statuette. David Fincher’s stylised
drama tells the true story of the invention of relatively
well-known website Facebook, mixing in themes
of betrayal, loss, ambition, and power to the superbly intriguing
narrative. With an awe-inspiring, godly script by Aaron Sorkin that
has machine-gun characters mercilessly blasting bullets of sharply
scribed dialogue at each other, and top-notch performances from the
magnificent cast, “The Social Network“
is a friend request you know you’ll accept. Stephen Watson likes
this, and you should, too.

 

–Watson

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December 22, 2010 · 9:57 pm

The Top Ten Worst Films of 2010

Like any year in the exciting and ever-changing world of film, 2010 has certainly had its miserable stinkers. Over the past 12 months, my love of cinema has been bashed over the head at an alarming rate with worrisome additions to theatrical schedules. Some have been laughable, some have been boring, and a hefty amount have baffled me as to how they were even green-lighted in the first place. But there are some that really stood out to me as truly monstrous pieces of work that have horrified audiences in all the worst ways. And so, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten movies of 2010 I consider to be the most abominable of the lot. Avoid these at all costs.

10. “The Wolfman“

One of the biggest disappointments in recent memory, this gothic horror is less spooky than a newborn baby giggling away in the comfort of its own crib. Joe Johnston‘s “The Wolfman,” a remake of the George Waggner original, has Benicio del Toro wandering around in Victorian England before being bitten by a werewolf and turned into one himself. So much potential, yet such poor execution. It’s tiresome, lifeless, and needlessly gloomy. Still, Anthony Hopkins looked to be having hammy fun as del Toro’s estranged papa.

9. “The Bounty Hunter“

Even if you were to pump laughing gas into every orifice of my body while I sat and watched “The Bounty Hunter,” you still wouldn’t manage to make me laugh. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who finds himself on the job of tracking down his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston. Hilarious (ha!) shenanigans occur as the ex-couple plummet towards snogging each other at the end. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Tediously unfunny star-parade that’s almost as grating as Butler’s American accent.

8. “Furry Vengeance“

Any film with “furry” in the title should be treated with caution, and none more so than this eco-friendly kiddie comedy. Slapstick shenanigans occur when wild animals (who can communicate with each other through think bubbles) fight back against businessman Brendan Fraser for trying to demolish their homely forest. Thrusting environmental messages down your gagging throat with every millisecond of its overlong running time, “Furry Vengeance” was another misfire in Fraser’s shaky career. Chin up though, Brendan. I’m sure there’s another “Mummy” movie waiting for you.

7. “Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball“

With “Smokin’ Aces” taking high reign amongst my list of favourite films, it was especially uncomfortable for me to watch it get callously cut to pieces and pasted back together again in the form of this copy-cat follow-up. FBI desk jockey Tom Berenger is told he has a high price on his head, and so is rushed to a top-secret location with the authorities to hide from an array of money-hungry assassins. Sound familiar? Slothfully recreating every single plot point from its ludicrously fun predecessor to terrible effect, this sloppy straight-to-DVD sequel was a tiring chore to watch; even with Vinnie Jones as one of the baddies.

6. “Marmaduke“

Who said basing a film on a one-panel newspaper comic strip would be a bad idea? Anyone with a brain, I’d guess. “Marmaduke,” a fly-covered dog turd of a movie, is a boring snooze-o-rama about a talking Great Dane (voiced by Owen Wilson) who moves to California with his human family. Stuff happens with other dogs, it’s all so drab, the mouth-moving CGI is creepy, and wake me up when the end credits start rolling. Down boy, down! Sit! Left paw! Right paw! Good boy! Play dead! Now stay dead.

5. “My Soul to Take“

Wes Craven’s unscary retread of past slasher horrors is less memorable than it is dull. The “Nightmare on Elm Street” director filled this bore of a stupid-teen killer with talk of souls and resurrection, which all sound pretty neat and cutting-edge, yet the movie itself is tired and monotonous. Without soul, you might say. With a lame villain, laughable script, and insipid main characters, “My Soul to Take” plunged a knife into the heart of Craven’s once-respected career. “Scream 4” looks to be in trouble.

4. “Cop Out“

Ah, the film that made me question Kevin Smith’s talents as a filmmaker. Smith ranted on his Twitter page about how critcs were unneeded and unwanted once they rightfully gnawed their teeth into his latest cinematic effort, but what he failed to understand was that they were very much correct in their harsh-but-fair bashing. Dire and nigh unwatchable, this tedious buddy cop comedy is less funny than having diarrhoea injected into your eyeballs, with not even the constant presence of the illustrious Bruce Willis able to make this horribly-written stinker the least bit entertaining. Yippie-kay-yay, Kevin Smith. Fat bastard.

3. “Sex and the City 2“

Obnoxious, annoying, irritating, abhorrent, repugnant, loathsome, pointless drivel. Subtlety does not appear in “Sex and the City 2“‘s strawberry-scented dictionary; instead, words like “overlong,” “insensitive,” “ditzy” and “nauseating” are listed in pink, sparkly text. Lazily sending its caricature cast to Abu Dhabi to buy handbags, shoes, and act like total sluts, “Sex and the City 2″ did more to set women back than empower them. Judging by what I’ve watched of the beloved TV series on which this is based, the second big-screen outing of the independent gals is a deep-reaching cunt punt to its much-worshipped name. Piss off, girls, and take your shitty movie with you.

2. “Fred: The Movie“

To say that “Fred: The Movie” is an excruciating ordeal to sit through simply would not justify the unadulterated savagery of such a harrowing experience. Made-for-TV in the US (though somehow it got a theatrical release in the UK), this mind-boggling disaster marks the first (and hopefully last) feature-length outing for the YouTube phenomenon known as Fred Figglehorn, portrayed by Lucas Cruikshank. He’s a teenager with a stalkerish infatuation with his female neighbour, he has an unendurable squeaky voice, he never shuts the hell up, and I want him to be crushed to death under the weight of a school bus. Kids these days.

1. “Vampires Suck“

And now we come to the big, rotten, festering cheese. From the makers of (sigh) “Date Movie,” “Disaster Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “Meet the Spartans” came yet another laugh-free, fart-filled spoof in the form of this half-assed “Twilight” parody. Unbearably unfunny and a thousand times worse than what it is meant to be mocking (without any effort put in), “Vampires Suck” is an agonizing 76-minute-long showcase in how not to make an audience laugh. Utterly torturous, and one of the most useless contributions to celluloid since John Travolta dressed up as a Jamaican extraterrestrial in “Battlefield Earth.” The only thing amusing here is the irony of the title.

–Watson

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December 7, 2010 · 7:09 pm

Watson’s Top 10 Christmas Films

Well folks, it looks like Christmastime is upon us once again, and the weather outside certainly is frightful. It’s hard to believe it’s been twelve months since last year’s gleeful celebrations, but it’s here; and December 25th is approaching pretty darn fast. As per usual, fluorescent lights will be decorating the houses on the streets you pass, trees will be being put up in the corners of living rooms, kids will be building crude snowmen in their front gardens, and dads everywhere will be squeezing their way into now-undersized Santa suits. And what better way to celebrate Christmas than sitting down in front of the fireplace and watching a movie while the snow descends from the skies above? Opening presents is overrated.

There are always the regular festive flicks that pop up during the TV stations’ December schedules, all snow-covered and candy-cane-flavoured. These Christmas films have become a common ritual of family time during the wintry season, and in amongst them is quite a collection of all-time classics — some more holiday-like than others. Everyone has their favourites, whether it be from the films’ holly-jolly attitude or from pure childhood nostalgia. So, let’s leave the cookie out for Santa, turn the heating up, and countdown my personal top ten seasonal features.

10. “Scrooged” (1988) — First on the nice list is Richard Donner’s “Scrooged,” a fantasy comedy starring everyone’s favourite funnyman, Bill Murray. A modern (well, modern in the ’80s) retelling of Charles Dickens‘ classic novella “A Christmas Carol,” it tells the story of self-centred TV executive Frank Cross, played by the perfectly cast, scenery-munching “Ghostbusters” actor. Due to his arrogance and extreme selfishness during the holiday season, he is visited by three ghosts who show him how much of a heartless git he’s become, trying to turn him into a nice man once again. Both lighthearted and darkly comic at the same time, “Scrooged” proves itself as not just another lazy retelling of “A Christmas Carol,” showing off Murray at his very best. Yule love it.

9. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) — The third of the misadventures of the infamous Griswold family, “Christmas Vacation” follows the dysfunctional household as they celebrate the jovial month and excitedly prepare for the big day itself. Chevy Chase leads once again as accident-prone Clark in this hysterical everything-goes-wrong comedy, in which, well, everything goes wrong — except the movie itself, of course. Written by John Hughes, it’s a hilarious film worthy of cracking up over and giggling some more — and if you don’t, I’ll strangle you with a goddamned wreath.

 

8. “Elf” (2003) — Before Jon Favreau was directing Robert Downey Jr. in superhero flick “Iron Man,” he did a side-splitting and sweet little Christmas film called “Elf.” Will Ferrell plays Buddy, one of Santa’s not-so-little helpers who’s much taller than his fellow workshop workers. Discovering that he’s actually a human, he leaves his home in the North Pole and sets out to bond with his dad, James Caan, in New York. Ferrell is unforgettable as the naive, chuckling chatterbox who has a staggering obsession with Christmas — he’s a well-meaning grown man walking around in an elf costume. Fluffy fun that even cotton-headed ninny-muggins will enjoy.

7. “The Santa Clause” (1994) — A bit of a nostalgia piece for me, John Pasquin’s family comedy stars Tim Allen as a man who accidentally kills Santa Claus. Through some contractual rules, the cranky father-of-one is forced to don the famous red suit and floppy hat, having to take on the obligations of the chubby present-giver whether he likes it or not. A definite high-point of Allen’s so-so film career, “The Santa Clause” is a fabulous source of much kid-friendly merriment. It’s better than “Christmas with the Kranks” anyway.

 

6. “Die Hard” (1988) — “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” may not sound like the joyous catchphrase to a hee-haw Yuletide family film, but action-flick “Die Hard” has Christmas traditions exploding out the yin-yang. Revolving around a vest-wearing Bruce Willis (with hair) as he skilfully thwarts a bunch of hostage-taking terrorists/thieves in a skyscraper, John McTiernan’s high-octane actioner has a big Christmas party, festive songs, a massive Christmas tree, and a recently-deceased henchman wearing a Santa hat on his head with “Now I Have A Machine Gun. Ho-ho-ho!” written in blood on his jumper. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la die.

 

5. “Gremlins” (1984) — Another non-traditional Xmas picture, Joe Dante’s “Gremlins” is a tongue-in-cheek horror that’s mostly suitable for turkey-hungry littluns. Zach Galligan is given an early gift of a cute and cuddly little creature called Gizmo by his father for the holidays, bought from an antique store in Chinatown. Things go horribly wrong when water is spilled on the adorable fur-ball, causing Gizmo to spawn a whole gang of malicious monsters that attack the snowy town through hilariously grisly methods. Don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight, don’t expose them to bright lights, but most certainly don’t let them not watch “Gremlins” every December. If you can drag them away from the local “Snow White” screening, that is.

4. “Home Alone” (1990) — John Hughes will always be known for his seminal ’80s chick-flicks, but what I will always remember him for is for scribing the wickedly funny slapstick “Home Alone,” a childhood favourite of mine. The film that shot Macaulay Culkin to fame (before he disappeared into some unknown parallel dimension), “Home Alone” showed the mayhem kids can get up to when left on their own. Eight-year-old Kevin McCallister ends up being accidentally left behind when his parents go off on holiday to Paris for the season, the situation made even worse when two scheming robbers target the family home. It’s also even more entertaining when Kevin decides to take on the couple of clumsy bandits all by himself, setting up intricate traps around the whole house. Darn pesky kids.

3. “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947) — Whether or not you believe in Santa Claus (how could you not?), you’ll adore this black-and-white classic from writer/director George Seaton. Kris Kringle is an elderly man who claims to be the bearded holiday icon himself, and ends up in the loony-bin because of these seemingly delusional declarations. A faithful lawyer, who Kringle has recently befriended, bravely tries to defend him in court, attempting to convince a judge that Kringle is indeed the real thing, reindeer and all. Crafted with much humour, “Miracle on 34th Street” is a charming vintage Christmas film starring Santa Claus himself. Edmund Gwenn really was Santa Claus, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he?

2. “A Christmas Story” (1983) — Never has a film created such a childish sense of wonder and fascination than Bob Clark’s “A Christmas Story.” The story in question is of a nine-year-old boy from Indiana who wants an official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred-shot range model air rifle for Christmas. It’s jaw-dropping how involving such a simple story can be, as we yearn for little Ralphie to receive what he so wishes for. Jean Shepherd’s awe-inspiring narration is one of the many fuels behind this film’s warm, burning fire, making one feel like a toddler again. And Ralphie’s such a cutie!

 

1. “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) — Heartwarming, funny, tender and emotional, Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life” truly is the quintessential Christmas movie that should be watched every year by all in range of a television set. Part fantasy, part sentimental drama, it has James Stewart receiving a visit from his guardian angel, Clarence, when the former considers suicide. For most of the film we’re watching the life of the generous, selfless businessman as his personality goes from highs to lows, Stewart beginning to realise that his dreams may never come true. The poignant ending will leave even the hardest man welling up and quivering in tearful delight. It’s a wonderful film.

–Watson

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November 24, 2010 · 7:36 pm

Life Lessons from Pornstar Amile Waters

The first time I ever shot I was soo freakin’ nervous. I had a shoot with Mr. Marcus and I had a huge crush on him before getting into porn. The way he was soo professional on the set, gave me insight of how some people are in this industry. I thought it was just one BIG PARTY. Boy , was I so wrong.

With the power of a god, I would make every overweight woman disappear. Screw BBW lovers. (laughing) Im just saying. They creep me out.

I’ve always considered myself a business hippie. I know when and where to conduct business… even though I would rather sit under a tree with my bong, and listen to endless hours of Jimi Hendrix.

I can’t stand when Motherfuckers are totally fake. Especially when YOU know personally they dont have shit going on for themselves. ….oh!, and unfit mothers…you know the ones who rather party than take care of their own.

I'm such a fuckin' tease!!

When I was a kid, I was extremely skinny. Thank God for puberty.

If my life were a crappy romantic comedy, it would be There’s Something About Mary.

The worst advice I ever got was from one of my old track teammates. I was too nervous to talk to this guy in college, so my teammates said to go old school and write my feelings down in a note and give it to him Obviously, that didn’t work.

God dammit, I wish I could have some Fiji water right now. I don’t leave home without it.

I think one of the shittiest things I’ve ever done was fucking this guy whose girlfriend I really hated. He always flirted with me now and then, but I usually declined. Yet, I couldn’t stand his girlfriend at all. She was just a manipulator, and spread lies all the time. One weekend she went away on business, he called me up… and asked me again. I came over and we fucked like crazy… on their couch, in their bed , and in the kitchen. At first, I thought it was thrilling. Now I think its funny, that she still doesn’t know, but I do feel like crap.

One thing you should know about me is that I am workaholic!! I love to keep busy. When I literally have nothing to do…. I always find something to get into. :)

–Amile Waters

 

 

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November 22, 2010 · 8:49 pm

Watson’s Top Ten Horror Films

What is it about horror films that make them so enticing? The vast majority of people I know aren’t particularly fond of being scared, yet spine-chilling spook-em-ups are apparently worthy of their time and money. Perhaps it’s the adrenaline rush — to want to turn away from the screen, to hide one’s face behind the sofa cushion, to want to escape from the horrifying events depicted on-screen is eerily intoxicating, yet we are still filled with a desire to keep on watching. It’s all so exciting, isn’t it?

 

Some horrors have stood the test of time, becoming classics of the genre, while many have not. Now-iconic villainous monsters have been created in some, while other laughable antagonists may as well be holding a teaspoon instead of the knife they’re carrying. To truly frighten a viewer, to set their brains to “terrified” mode, to unsettle them while entertaining them is a massive accomplishment in the world of film. Some succeed, many do not. This list is of the top ten, for me, that do.

 

10. “The Fly” (1986) — We start with David Cronenberg’s superior remake of Kurt Neumann’s 1958 sci-fi horror of the same name. A gory depiction of a man who slowly-but-surely turns into a hundred-and-eighty-five-pound fly, Cronenberg’s deeply unsettling re-imagining is an oddly touching body-horror held up by stellar performances from Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. Not one to be swatted.

 

9. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974) — As a grisly, darkly humorous splatter-shocker, Tobe Hooper’s controversial, blood-soaked horror has become a popular cult film over the years. Still carrying the ability to horrify today’s audiences, it’s set in sweaty Texas, and follows five teenagers as they’re violently offed one-by-one by the iconic chainsaw-wielder Leatherface. As brutal as the title suggests, but brilliantly effective.

 

8. “Jaws” (1975) — Perhaps the least scary of the list, Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” nonetheless remains a filmic PowerPoint on how to utilise cinematic tension. The monster is nothing more than a hungry, man-devouring shark — a great white that’s stalking the waters of Amity Island. Roy Scheider, playing the local police chief, goes out on a boat with Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw to hunt down the ravenous sea-beast. Suspenseful as hell, “Jaws” is a tour de force in fabulous filmmaking that will leave most viewers hesitant to go back in the water. This film, swallow you whole.

 

7. “Night of the Living Dead” (1968) — Filled with allusions to racism and the Vietnam War, George A. Romero’s black-and-white “Night of the Living Dead” is one of the most influential zombie movies ever released. Certainly ahead of its time, it revolves around several individuals as they barricade themselves in a house surrounded by undead flesh-eaters. Braaaaains. This film has ‘em.

 

6. “Halloween” (1978) — A standard-setting stalk-’n'-slash picture, “Halloween” was the first film to feature masked-maniac Michael Myers. John Carpenter’s madman-on-the-loose horror hosts a whole plethora of scares and surprises as Myers cuts his way through his childhood neighbourhood. In Jamie Lee Curtis’ film debut, she plays the unsuspecting babysitter who ends up being Michael’s primary target. Trick or treat? Or maybe die?

 

5. “Alien” (1979) — The only entry in the list to be set in space, Ridley Scott’s masterful “Alien” never fails to send an unnerving chill up one’s spine. Even scarier than your mother-in-law’s bare-naked physique, it charts the attempts of a space crew at killing a bloodthirsty extraterrestrial that’s run amuck on their ship. Images of a miniature creature bursting out of John Hurt’s chest are far more joyfully ghastly than almost anything being produced today. Bleurgh.

 

4. “The Thing” (1982) — Without a doubt one of the most sickeningly gory movies to ever spray across a cinema screen, “The Thing” is a chilling tale of 12 men living in an isolated base in Antarctica who are forced to battle a shape-changing alien. The outer-space life form can mimic any anatomy, leading to painstaking tension as the increasingly paranoid characters accuse each other of being the heinous creature. An unforgettable showcase of fantastic practical effects and utterly nerve-wracking anxiety. And Kurt Russell with an awesomely bushy beard.

 

3. “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984) — As writer and director Wes Craven’s quintessential horror masterpiece and a creative landmark of the genre, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was the first of many outings for professional dream-stalker Freddy Krueger. The burn-faced, catchphrase-cackling, merciless child murderer, played effortlessly by Robert Englund, pierces his young victims with a razor-fingered glove while they sleep in this expertly executed teen-slasher flick. Quickly springing to the title of a horror icon, Freddy Krueger has become a significant key player in movie-related culture. Freddy’s the man/dream-demon.

 

2. “Evil Dead 2″ (1987) — The low-budget sequel to the best tree-rape movie ever, “Evil Dead 2″ showed how slapstick comedy can work alongside supernatural horror, with awe-inspiring results. Starring a hunky Bruce Campbell as cowardy-custard Ash Williams, the hysterical horror-comedy had over-the-top spirits and soul-swallowing demons tormenting the poor frightened fellow in an isolated cabin in the woods. Sam Raimi’s hilariously manic direction fuels what is an insanely entertaining and side-splitting horror with physical humour reminiscent of The Three Stooges. Groovy.

 

1. “The Shining” (1980) — And finally, taking the top spot as the best horror movie ever made (well, according to me), it’s Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Based on the 1977 novel by horror maestro Stephen King, this haunting masterpiece was the perfect opportunity for star Jack Nicholson to gnaw on some scenery. He plays Jack Torrance, a writer who becomes the caretaker of the isolated Overlook Hotel for the winter. Staying with his wife and son, Wendy and Danny, in the vast hotel, he starts to become distracted, hostile, and is seemingly driven insane by the long-residing evil living within the resort, taking to trying to murder his family with an axe in the film’s thrilling climax. A definite must-see for horror fans everywhere. Heeeeeeere’s a great movie. And wheeeeeeeeere’s Jack Nicholson’s Oscar?

–Watson

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August 20, 2010 · 4:13 pm

The Top Ten Bands Ruining Music

Let’s start off with a bit of honesty: I have listened to some pretty shitty music in my time, and I’m sure many of the bands I enjoy, some of you would find objectionable–but that isn’t the point.

This is a list of bands that I feel that I can make a strong case against; not only for their lack of talent in the broad sense, but for their destructive nature. Their mere presence in the musical scene contributes nothing to the future of auditory illumination, but rather fucks society by creating young musicians who will inevitably look up to these assholes for inspiration…

…and will therefore destroy the next generation of music as we know it.

10. The Jonas Brothers–I suppose there’s no list without at least mentioning The Jonas Brothers. Because they started off as a campy TV band, it’s not totally unfair to compare them to The Monkees (they’ve even got their own Mickey Dolenz), but you shouldn’t…ever. Why? Because The Monkees never gargled balls. The Jonas Brothers not only swell teenage hearts, but also (somehow) win over the minds of adults who vote for things like American Music Awards and motherfucking Grammy‘s. The Jonas boys almost didn’t make the list because their future isn’t totally bleak. Take this prediction for what it’s worth, but I think there’s a strong possibility of a semi-decent future for Nick Jonas (even if that future only entails acting as a better musician in an Oscar-bait bio pic).

9. 3OH!3–Our dedicated readers may recall an article where I praised 3OH!3‘s album Want. Perhaps the pairing with Katy Perry–that’s right, Katy Perry–and the light-hearted electropop peaked my interest a bit too much…but now they’ve got three albums and the ball has been dropped. That’s presuming they ever had the ball to begin with. What’s even more interesting is the “gang” that bands like 3OH!3 seem to be a part of–and yes, they’re all on this list, so I won’t spoil the surprise. 3OH!3 only managed to make it to number 9, and I know some of you may be disappointed and disgusted by this. The only reasoning I can give is that there are worse (yes, worse than “I’m gonna have a House Party in my House”) groups…and it’s hard to be too mad at a shitty band from Colorado. They don’t know any better than to be a pantload of douche.

8. Justin Bieber–Yes, yes, I know. Too easy, right? Of course Justin Bieber isn’t going anywhere good. Maybe a few more years in the public eye, then disappearance, then he comes out of the closet, and by then all the girls who used to scream at him won’t give a shit anymore. That’s why the little lesbian only made 6th place–there’s really no harm done in the long run. The only major concern is that his stardom seems a bit too conveniently timed, especially for a Canadian, wiping various International disasters off of Twitter’s Trending Topics list for weeks. One of the popular notions surrounding his instantaneous rise to stardom is that the fanaticism is reminiscent of the days of BeatleMania. The only difference, of course, being that The Beatles were among Britain’s most awe-inspiring exports; and I believe Justin Bieber is still trailing behind Canadian Bacon.

7. Nickelback–Ah, Nickelback, the band who famously lost out to “a Pickle” in a much-publicized Facebook race. There have been plenty of parodies and plenty of anti-Nickelback voices heard, but the reality is that they are still such a strong voice in the music community. They just won’t die. Alright, let’s be fucking real for a minute: when Creed came out, everyone was all about them–uh, uh, shut the fuck up, YES YOU WERE. They had all the biggest rock hits, they had all the hit movie soundtracks, and they were IT. Then, everyone realized they were listening to a shitty Pearl Jam rip-off and they cleared the scene…But Nickelback somehow still hangs on; even though they’re a shitty Creed rip-off of a Lifehouse song that was trying desperately to be Pearl Jam. Nickelback needs to go away…oh, but wait, before you go…could you just leave us the video for Rockstar, ’cause that video kicked my balls in.

6. Hellyeah–I’ll admit, I don’t know a hell-uv-alot about Hellyeah, but that’s probably for the best. There once was a man named Johnny Cash, and from him was spawned a man named Johnny Paycheck, and they fucking defined fucking Country. If you’re going to be Country, you need to be them–just like if you’re going to be rock n’ roll, you need to be The Rolling Stones. Some have done it–and props to them. Are you going to be as good as the Stones? No. But can you be like the Stones? Abso-cunting-lutely. Hellyeah embodies that ghost of Kid Rock that hasn’t yet crossed over and never will. They have this sensibility that “well, everyone thinks Country is all about fucking your cousin, so let’s fuckin’ give it to ‘em. YEAH!!!!” …which is always a mistake. Country and folk music were never about being the “cool kid.” It was about being “different” (in a manner of speaking)–being separate from ‘dem city folk who don’t “get” it. Hellyeah not only destroys Country Rock, but winds up making the barrel-bottom Country Pop Stars look like lyrical geniuses.

5. Boys Like Girls–Simply put, trash rock (or what Weezer fans would call “pussy rock”) is a phase we all went through in High School, when, even though we were all getting some, we had this notion that life was twisted, weird, and utterly bleak. Not such a misguided thought, but we were total fags about it. We listened to shitty music and couldn’t help sing along as if the lyrics were meant especially for us. But, you know what? We did it well–and we rocked. Boys Like Girls, a pop-punk hodgepodge of mediocrity, don’t work on any level. I can accept you playing along-side Good Charlotte, because–fuck it…but if you’re playing with iCarly, your number’s up. Big time. I get it, they’re a bunch of hunks who play some mess of standard ‘emo‘ that I totally thought was over, but there are plenty of bands who do it so much better–and with more honesty(?). If you want my advice, and I’m almost certain that you do: Stop getting Love Drunk and get real drunk like a fucking adult.

4. Shinedown–Zzzzzzz…oh, what? Hm? Sorry, I thought I was having a fucking nightmare. Nope. This band exists. Let me give you a little back-story here…I was going to (and I mean struggling to) but Insane Clown Posse on this list; and I couldn’t. ICP has no future in the entertainment industry and never realistically had a chance. They have a limited following, and to everyone else they’re a joke (including themselves, probably). Shinedown, for some reason, has a huge pop following, and I can’t wrap my brain around it (and I haven’t tried). Brent Smith is the lackadaisical equivalent to AFI‘s Davey Havok–similar in their ladylike appearance and pseudo-intellectual prose…I’m sorry–you can’t make a song like “The Crow and the Butterfly” without incurring a certain degree of internet-related “shame-on-you’s.” At least Insane Clown Posse had the decency to say “I know, we’re retarded…” (imagined, not dictated) But you seem to fuel off of the retarded teenage notion that this song has some kind of deeper meaning. It doesn’t. You don’t. Your band blows. Give it up–or you’ll be sucking Kid Rock‘s withering cock in the back of Uncle Kracker‘s meat-wagon.

3. Ke$ha–Well, the party’s started and I’m sure I haven’t been invited, because–aside from radio and mock-news shows, I haven’t heard any of Ke$ha‘s shit played anywhere. And that’s for the best. Ke$ha is the first victim to our number 1 offender of music, who you might be able to guess at this point. She exchanges image for quality–and while this has been done before, and at great length–it seems to have been awkwardly recreated by a stupid modern generation. Ke$ha attempts to represent the hipster class, the non-mainstream, the I’ll-do-what/who-I want-and-I don’t-give-a-fuck niche. But she pulls it off almost too well, which creates suspicion. How did she catch on that all punks, hipsters, and indie kids are fucking hypocrites? It took me, like, 7 years! It’s hard to be the anti-pop star when you’re a total sellout pop star. If real hipsters don’t dig it, who does? That’s a serious question, because hipsters seem to pick up the dregs of every modern phenomenon and play it off as cool until it blows pop-spunk all over their greasy hair. Ke$ha blew her load with her first single and now she’s riding the faux-hipster wave until she dies alone in a cave with a shotgun in her mouth like Weird Al Yankovic.

2. LMFAO–Are you drinking now? Taking shots? Good. Let’s hope so. You may not know the name LMFAO (aside from that it stands for “Laughing My Fucking Ass Off”….nerd), but you are almost certainly aware of the irritating beat of “Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots, EV’RY-BODY!” It’s kinda hard to miss. I’m not sure what Electro-hop is, but I don’t like it. They embody a somewhat satirical look at the hip hop community while doing everything in their limitless power to indulge in it. Like an annoying ring tone, it doesn’t take long for a sane and rational person to snap on whoever chooses to play it. LMFAO should be the universal answer to the question: Come on, the DJ couldn’t have been that bad, could he?” You know how you used to love that Will Ferrell movie until every asshole you know started quoting it until you couldn’t take it anymore? That’s the feeling you get when you listen to one LMFAO song–Oh, that’s kinda funn–waitaminute, I hate you and everything you stand for…” How long can a novelty band really last? You don’t want to know.

1. Lady Gaga–You’ve hit the nail on the head. This is going to be an unpopular one–I can feel it. Lady Gaga is truly an inspiration. Her music has spawned some pretty awesome shit–and come on, if you hear one of her songs playing, you want to get your geeky pelvis thrust on. Shake it off, pervert, that’s not the point. The point is that Lady Gaga (or Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) is my age and was once a musical prodigy. There was a time when musical geniuses remained musical geniuses and graduated to the school of making musical genius fucking music...but, sadly, that train has sailed. I don’t know what she is now, but it’s terrifying. Had she stuck to her guns and not given up on herself to the point that she wanted to turn into someone else, she may have been amazing. She has become a zeitgeist…and a frightening and haunting one. Her music is played everywhere, and it’s so shitty compared to what she could have been.

Celebrities and teen idols have been around forever–I get it–but it sucks when someone who is full of so much independent talent is molded to the norm of “you can be famous just for being a fucking whack-a-dick. Lady Gaga is not popular because of her music, she’s popular because of her style and “fuck you” attitude. And that’s fine–I’m all for it–but leave the music behind and embrace the life of the celebutante.

Everyone hates Paris Hilton, but fuck it–she is what she says she is–and though she tried to be a musician, she failed and nobody gives a shit anymore. Our children are taught by the means of antiquated motto’s: “Do to others as you would want done to you,” etc…But the motto, “You get what you give,” should never be dismissed. Gaga may have the hardest working vag in show biz, but her aura is clearly one of: “Be an anti-social monster and eventually people will love you.”

Everyone is given a break once-in-awhile. It’s natural. A cop lets you go. You inherit some money. That 14-year-old’s parents isn’t going to press charges…

And I’m not saying that celebrities should have to live up to some kind of moral code or tell kids to stay off drugs. Kids know to stay off drugs; Amy Winehouse taught them that. Lady Gaga doesn’t have to change. She doesn’t have to do anything differently; we just have to stop celebrating her for it. Fine, we can sing along while we ignore her. Happy?

Long story short, we can’t sit back and say “We’re ruining things for our children, and our children’s children,” anymore. Only old people say stupid shit like that. We’re ruining things for us. NOW. Just because we destroyed our taste in everything, it doesn’t mean we’re not going to be around to deal with the repercussions of it all 40 years down the road.

Run and tell that.

–Alex G/

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