We’d like to thank all of you for your support, views, likes, pokes, tweets, and so on and so forth! On 10/25, this site will turn 4 whole years old (it’s getting so big so fast!). We love all of you (except for our several enemies in Canada) and appreciate everything you’ve done to make this site, this podcast, and these videos what they are.
Kisses.
Alex Gross
We all want to believe in a better life, a sustainable way of living, and a semi-guided path to follow our dreams without the soul-crushing monotony of a mundane existence. But let’s face it: for most of us, these goals are about as likely as Kevin Smith winning a Best Picture Oscar (or, Christ, even a Golden Globe). On New Year’s Eve, every year, we hear the same whiny bullshit about “resolutions” that never seem to work out. So, for once, let’s skip all that nonsense and consider ways that we can force other people change so that we don’t have to. Awesome-sauce.
1. Let’s stop over-celebrating small victories and lackluster accomplishments.
The big civil rights victories in the past few years have been enormously overblown in this supposedly advanced society. The election of a black president set a standard of passionate fervor that could only be surpassed by that president actually giving a shit about the concerns of those who got him into office in the first place.
We praise every insignificant wartime victory as if we’re creeping ever closer to a major impact on the Middle East. After forcing the resignation of every capable homosexual troop in our military with no reaction from those who were supposedly opposed to it, we treat the legislature that enables gays to die for our country (but not get married) as some kind of monumental cultureshock victory for the far left.
2. Twitter must go back to being insignificant.
Remember when Twitter first began? We all picked up on the silly trend only to discover it’s amazing value for communication and self-promotion. It took a long time for the rest of the media world to climb on board and realize the commercial worth of the social networking site, but not very long at all for them to destroy it. While Twitter remains to be a practical tool for communication
to a mass audience (and let’s not forget it single-handedly almost kinda sorta made an Iranian Revolution possible…kinda), it has been rapidly taken over by a mass influx of celebrities and idiots.
Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrities, and idiots are a nearly constant source of amusement…but when it you combine the two, you’ve either got a Justin Bieber teeny bopper with a limited grasp on the English language, or Ashton Kutcher. And both of these things are ruining everything.
3. People must be judged.
Eventually, and I’m not saying right now, but soon, we need to seriously evaluate who we are and who our peers seem to be. Everyone deserves a second chance and everyone deserves a certain level of “benefit of the doubt,” but no one should be free of judgment. The whole “judge not lest ye be judged” thing needs to be thrown the fuck out and replaced with a definitive reflection on what is sane and reasonable and what is outright batshit. Not all people, beliefs, and opinions need to be treated with the same respect and value.
4. Bro’s are no longer allowed to be homophobic.
It’s a well known fact that straight guys (and I’m referring, of course, to obnoxiously straight guys) are 15-100% more gay than any gay guy ever was or will be. Having said that, obnoxiously gay men can be pretentious, self-righteous and self-important, but that’s just a natural result of an adult male’s convoluted emulation of a black chick in her 20-somethings.
Long story short, bros who style their hair, pose like guidos in every photograph, and engage in other rampant forms of homoeroticism are not allowed to pretend to be all grossed out when a buddy puts his balls in their mouth while they’re sleeping…or awake.
.
..and stop saying shit like “bros before hoes” and “rise and grind.” That shit’s pretty gay.
5. If you’re out of High School, High School is over.
This is not to say that the friends and enemies you’ve made in High School should no longer remain the frenemies of today, but the drama must cease; and the same rule goes for college. I often find myself reminiscing over the values of my scholastic career–the direction and motivation it provided. But all too often you’ll meet the Joe College 20-or-30-something fucktard who totally
misses all of the awesome parties and you’ll have to hear an interminable diatribe about how much they wish they could still have that life. But guess what… You can!
You’re a fucking adult now and there’s nothing holding you back. You now have the choice…and most likely LESS responsibility than you had in college or high school. You could eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast and pass out in your own vomit once the sun goes down. Don’t sweat it. Just live your life.
When you’re stuck in High School or College, it’s no different than being hung up on an ex-girlfriend, except your friends are less
likely to say “get the fuck over it!” But I’m your friend now, so that’s what I’m saying.
So if you have no other New Year’s Resolution this year, make it this (and I’ll even spell it out in those cute little internet initialisms you kids love):
Always remember T41S and GTFOI
Think for a second, and get the fuck over it.
Kisses!
Filed under Charity, Educational, Fun Stuff, Holidays, News, Top 5 List, Top Story
Well folks, it looks like Christmastime is upon us once again, and the weather outside certainly is frightful. It’s hard to believe it’s been twelve months since last year’s gleeful celebrations, but it’s here; and December 25th is approaching pretty darn fast. As per usual, fluorescent lights will be decorating the houses on the streets you pass, trees will be being put up in the corners of living rooms, kids will be building crude snowmen in their front gardens, and dads everywhere will be squeezing their way into now-undersized Santa suits. And what better way to celebrate Christmas than sitting down in front of the fireplace and watching a movie while the snow descends from the skies above? Opening presents is overrated.
There are always the regular festive flicks that pop up during the TV stations’ December schedules, all snow-covered and candy-cane-flavoured. These Christmas films have become a common ritual of family time during the wintry season, and in amongst them is quite a collection of all-time classics — some more holiday-like than others. Everyone has their favourites, whether it be from the films’ holly-jolly attitude or from pure childhood nostalgia. So, let’s leave the cookie out for Santa, turn the heating up, and countdown my personal top ten seasonal features.
10. “Scrooged” (1988) — First on the nice list is Richard Donner’s “Scrooged,” a fantasy comedy starring everyone’s favourite funnyman, Bill Murray. A modern (well, modern in the ’80s) retelling of Charles Dickens‘ classic novella “A Christmas Carol,” it tells the story of self-centred TV executive Frank Cross, played by the perfectly cast, scenery-munching “Ghostbusters” actor. Due to his arrogance and extreme selfishness during the holiday season, he is visited by three ghosts who show him how much of a heartless git he’s become, trying to turn him into a nice man once again. Both lighthearted and darkly comic at the same time, “Scrooged” proves itself as not just another lazy retelling of “A Christmas Carol,” showing off Murray at his very best. Yule love it.
9. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) — The third of the misadventures of the infamous Griswold family, “Christmas Vacation” follows the dysfunctional household as they celebrate the jovial month and excitedly prepare for the big day itself. Chevy Chase leads once again as accident-prone Clark in this hysterical everything-goes-wrong comedy, in which, well, everything goes wrong — except the movie itself, of course. Written by John Hughes, it’s a hilarious film worthy of cracking up over and giggling some more — and if you don’t, I’ll strangle you with a goddamned wreath.
8. “Elf” (2003) — Before Jon Favreau was directing Robert Downey Jr. in superhero flick “Iron Man,” he did a side-splitting and sweet little Christmas film called “Elf.” Will Ferrell plays Buddy, one of Santa’s not-so-little helpers who’s much taller than his fellow workshop workers. Discovering that he’s actually a human, he leaves his home in the North Pole and sets out to bond with his dad, James Caan, in New York. Ferrell is unforgettable as the naive, chuckling chatterbox who has a staggering obsession with Christmas — he’s a well-meaning grown man walking around in an elf costume. Fluffy fun that even cotton-headed ninny-muggins will enjoy.
7. “The Santa Clause” (1994) — A bit of a nostalgia piece for me, John Pasquin’s family comedy stars Tim Allen as a man who accidentally kills Santa Claus. Through some contractual rules, the cranky father-of-one is forced to don the famous red suit and floppy hat, having to take on the obligations of the chubby present-giver whether he likes it or not. A definite high-point of Allen’s so-so film career, “The Santa Clause” is a fabulous source of much kid-friendly merriment. It’s better than “Christmas with the Kranks” anyway.
6. “Die Hard” (1988) — “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” may not sound like the joyous catchphrase to a hee-haw Yuletide family film, but action-flick “Die Hard” has Christmas traditions exploding out the yin-yang. Revolving around a vest-wearing Bruce Willis (with hair) as he skilfully thwarts a bunch of hostage-taking terrorists/thieves in a skyscraper, John McTiernan’s high-octane actioner has a big Christmas party, festive songs, a massive Christmas tree, and a recently-deceased henchman wearing a Santa hat on his head with “Now I Have A Machine Gun. Ho-ho-ho!” written in blood on his jumper. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la, la la la die.
5. “Gremlins” (1984) — Another non-traditional Xmas picture, Joe Dante’s “Gremlins” is a tongue-in-cheek horror that’s mostly suitable for turkey-hungry littluns. Zach Galligan is given an early gift of a cute and cuddly little creature called Gizmo by his father for the holidays, bought from an antique store in Chinatown. Things go horribly wrong when water is spilled on the adorable fur-ball, causing Gizmo to spawn a whole gang of malicious monsters that attack the snowy town through hilariously grisly methods. Don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight, don’t expose them to bright lights, but most certainly don’t let them not watch “Gremlins” every December. If you can drag them away from the local “Snow White” screening, that is.
4. “Home Alone” (1990) — John Hughes will always be known for his seminal ’80s chick-flicks, but what I will always remember him for is for scribing the wickedly funny slapstick “Home Alone,” a childhood favourite of mine. The film that shot Macaulay Culkin to fame (before he disappeared into some unknown parallel dimension), “Home Alone” showed the mayhem kids can get up to when left on their own. Eight-year-old Kevin McCallister ends up being accidentally left behind when his parents go off on holiday to Paris for the season, the situation made even worse when two scheming robbers target the family home. It’s also even more entertaining when Kevin decides to take on the couple of clumsy bandits all by himself, setting up intricate traps around the whole house. Darn pesky kids.
3. “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947) — Whether or not you believe in Santa Claus (how could you not?), you’ll adore this black-and-white classic from writer/director George Seaton. Kris Kringle is an elderly man who claims to be the bearded holiday icon himself, and ends up in the loony-bin because of these seemingly delusional declarations. A faithful lawyer, who Kringle has recently befriended, bravely tries to defend him in court, attempting to convince a judge that Kringle is indeed the real thing, reindeer and all. Crafted with much humour, “Miracle on 34th Street” is a charming vintage Christmas film starring Santa Claus himself. Edmund Gwenn really was Santa Claus, wasn’t he? Wasn’t he?
2. “A Christmas Story” (1983) — Never has a film created such a childish sense of wonder and fascination than Bob Clark’s “A Christmas Story.” The story in question is of a nine-year-old boy from Indiana who wants an official Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred-shot range model air rifle for Christmas. It’s jaw-dropping how involving such a simple story can be, as we yearn for little Ralphie to receive what he so wishes for. Jean Shepherd’s awe-inspiring narration is one of the many fuels behind this film’s warm, burning fire, making one feel like a toddler again. And Ralphie’s such a cutie!
1. “It’s a Wonderful Life” (1946) — Heartwarming, funny, tender and emotional, Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life” truly is the quintessential Christmas movie that should be watched every year by all in range of a television set. Part fantasy, part sentimental drama, it has James Stewart receiving a visit from his guardian angel, Clarence, when the former considers suicide. For most of the film we’re watching the life of the generous, selfless businessman as his personality goes from highs to lows, Stewart beginning to realise that his dreams may never come true. The poignant ending will leave even the hardest man welling up and quivering in tearful delight. It’s a wonderful film.
Filed under Arts, Fun Stuff, Holidays, Movies, Review, Special Guest Blogger, Top 10 List
I think it’s a reasonable statement to say that the Saw series has lost its way. What was once a fairly intelligent torture parade with a tantalizing villain has been spun into a simple-minded blood ‘n guts affair with its liquidated brains leaking out from its repeatedly bludgeoned skull. It’s become the thing that many of the franchise’s episodes have been wrongfully portrayed as — an unstoppable stampede of overly gory set-pieces, with its sole intention to mutilate and disgust. This blood-soaked stampede, however, looks to have been pulled to an overdue, screeching halt.
Marketed as the final Saw movie ever, installment number seven of the flesh-tearing saga is a chaotic train wreck that will severely disappoint loyal fans who have stuck with the series’ convoluted continuity. I myself have watched each chapter and have enjoyed the majority — one, two, three and six in particular are at the very least decent, competently constructed flicks. This 3D-filmed feature, on the other hand, is quite the opposite.
After the opening titles, during which we see the original’s Dr. Lawrence Gordon (The Princess Bride’s Cary Elwes) cauterising his bloody stump of a right leg by painfully pressing the open wound up against a scorching red-hot pipe, we have the as-per-usual opening trap. Or should that be “crap”? Petrified onlookers watch through a publicly displayed glass window as two startled boys are given the harsh choice to either kill the other with the circular saw on the table they’re chained to, or let their girlfriend (who’s the same promiscuous lass) get cut in two halves. The outcome of this scene serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever and is never mentioned again. It’s just like the filmmakers went, “Hey, why don’t we have a random, pointless trap at the beginning of the movie that doesn’t tie in with the main plot in any way, unlike the other ones’ did?” Sigh.
Following this soon-forgotten clip, we are replayed the distressing aftermath of the ending of part six, in which the evil Lt. Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) just barely survives the trap set on him by Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell), the nefarious widow of the famous Jigsaw Killer (the awesome Tobin Bell). With his face now sewn up, Hoffman – who’s understandably gone a little cuckoo – is hell-bent on grisly revenge, causing Jill to go into hiding with the police.
Meanwhile, Bobby Dagen (The Boondock Saints‘ Sean Patrick Flanery) – who has been pretending to be a survivor of Jigsaw’s challenges for profitable purposes, even writing a successful book about it – is put to the test in a brand new series of ironic trials involving those affiliated with his life and his money-making schemes. It’s all so repulsive, and it’s all so familiar.
Saw VII (Saw 3D) showcases a series high of eleven tests, most of which I shall hesitantly admit are rather creative. Hoffman and Jigsaw obviously have an unlimited budget, crafting intricate devices intended to disfigure the morally corrupt victims they barbarically deal with. Some caused me to roll my eyes, two made me cringe and whine in my seat. One in particular is quite a simple idea but nonetheless an effective one that should sicken anyone who owns a full set of pearly white teeth.
Still, this doesn’t stop the film from being nothing more than a brain-dead splatter-fest which rams a crowbar into the shins of substance and fiercely drowns it in its own blood. Director Kevin Greutert – who helmed the immediate predecessor – laughably makes sure to film the areas of pain where the protagonists are suffering, pointing the camera at disembowelled entrails and a whole array of squirting bodily fluids just for kicks. I’d say that this is the most violent of the series – in 3D, no less – and it certainly does not benefit from this ghastly factor of gory gruesomeness.
None of our characters are the least bit likable, rendering the emotions shown in the torture scenes practically superfluous. We watch the obnoxious sinners – one of whom is a detestable racist – getting mercilessly cut to pieces. We don’t particularly care if they live or die. We’re apathetic to their survival. Screw ‘em.
This isn’t helped by the downright bad acting from the majority of the cast, who aren’t exactly Marlon Brando or Meryl Streep. Flanery is fine, he conveys fear and trauma to a reasonable level, but our lead detective, Gibson (Final Destination‘s Chad Donella), is as bland and unmemorable as the film itself.
Mammoth-of-a-man Hoffman, our angry antagonist, has been reduced to a slasher-killer in the vein of Michael Myers, bar the iconic Halloween murderer’s intimidating presence. And Jill, once a strong femme fatale with the stubbornness of a bull, is now a running, scared, ditzy blonde who I gazed at in wonder if I was meant to be rooting for her or not.
Jigsaw, the best and most layered character in the series, pops up in only one scene, aside from all the voice-work he does for the rule-setting tapes. Of course, this could be attributed to the fact that he died in the third installment, but come on! The last three made excuses for loads of flashbacks with him! Gimme my Jigsaw! For Christ’s sake, Billy the Puppet has more screen-time than him. The long-awaited return of Dr. Gordon also feels a bit lackluster, his anticipated appearance additionally punching more holes in logic into the already shaky plot. Damn it, screenwriters!
To put it lightly, Saw VII is an unsatisfying “conclusion” to an overlong franchise, possibly even the worst of the malevolent saga. It’s intended to be the grand (ha!) finale, but the inevitable twist ending annoyingly sets up an opportunity for more quickly made sequels. Ugh. Will this series stagger on and continue? Will it cut off its leg and hop to the bargain bin at Blockbuster? Will it stupidly live, or will it hopefully die? Make your choice, moviegoers.
Three outta ten
As we are all no doubt aware, society–more specifically, modern western progressive society–has become more concerned with freedom from religion than freedom of religion. Every religious group believes in essentially the same bullshit, but where they differ from the sects of their neighbors, they define themselves as wholly separate entities.
Throughout history, the frightened and bewildered have distanced themselves from religious “crazies” by establishing their own backwards faiths, and that’s why we have so goddamn many.
Let's be honest, if you're religious, they're just as RIGHT as you are.
More and more people identify themselves as “Spiritual, but not Religious,” a frustrating notion that begs the question: Why not just do away with religion altogether?
Surely if you disregard the religious notions that have existed for thousands of years, a spirituality that you just pull out of your ass would have even less validity; not more, simply because you feel it inside you (ew).
There is only one way to clearly differentiate between the significant and insignificant–and that’s by taking a closer look at those nutty little nightmares we call “Religions.” We won’t do them all, but we’ll do a hell-of-a-lot…
Anabaptists
Adventism–William Miller was a miserable old cunt who got off on discussing non-issues. Are we really awake when we sleep? When is Jesus coming back? Is the punishment for sins eternal torment or simple annihilation? *Raises hand* Ummm…who gives a shit?
Alternative Judaism–This is what Jews practice when they’re feeling angsty and start listening to a load of Good Charlotte. It’s not really Judaism in the same way that believing in “some of the shit in the Bible” isn’t really a religion at all. It’s either the timeless words of an Almighty God or it’s not, people. Fucking choose.
Anabaptists–You little fuckers talk about the religious right and the radical Muslims and how they’re fuckin out-there, but there’s nobody more radical than Anabaptists (Amish & Mennonites). At least suicide bombers watch fuckin TV.
Anglicanism–While The Church of England tries desperately to play with the big boys, it’s clear that everyone stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I guess England never forgave Henry VIII. Now we’re stuck with Protestants.
Animism–This could either be a polytheistic, spirits-in-everything-we-see sort of religion, or it has something to do with those freaks who do it with mascot-costumes on.
Wesboro Baptist Church
Babism–Once upon a time, back in the 1800′s, a guy claimed to be the chosen one and he was executed. Sound familiar? Yeah…don’t step on people’s toes–especially within Islam.
Baha’i–This is about the closest you’ll get to religious harmony. This one’s all about unification of religious people, as long as you buy into their practices, don’t ask questions, and surrender yourself to God’s will.
Baptists–Modern Baptists consider their religion to date back to Jesus Christ and John the Baptist; however, in reality, it only dates back about 400 years and is now linked more closely to old black women singing and fanning themselves.
Buddhism–There are so many schools of Buddhism and I can’t be bothered to talk about them all, so let’s just do an overview and get it over with. Buddhism is an ancient spiritual discovery of the self. Its long intricate and divided history has given us such modern day luxuries like: Eastern War and Slavery, Stoners, Lazy People, rubbing fat people’s tummies for good luck, and the Swastika. Hooray!
Cargo Cults–This merry band of ignorant bastards succeeds as more of a tribal culture. They’re so convinced that the wealth of the outside world was “really meant for them,” that they attempt to acquire wealth and goods through all kinds of batshit magical ways.
Christadelphians–Not a very significant sect, but they do exist–I assure you. John Thomas went batshit crazy and started writing about how he’d tapped into some first century belief system. Then, he came to America–and that’s why there are 6,500 Christadelphians in the US today. Success.
Christian Science–It’s never a good sign when you set up a faith-based Science and Health program with the delusion that truth and good are material things and evil and error are fantasy.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints–(see Mormonism…it’s just easier that way)
Confucianism–Not so much a religion as a philosophic approach to living your life, but it’s close enough. They believe that coercive laws can be damaging–when people feel they’re being forced to adhere–so they try to provide a moral codes of virtue that you can repeat when you’re out with a chick to sound enlightened.
Deism–Those who technically have “no religion” but still choose to believe in a magical sky-king are called Deists. Creationists tend to use arguments about some of the most brilliant people in history being “Deists.” But they’re wrong. And when they’re not wrong, they’re still wrong.
Evangelicalism–We hear a lot about Evangelicals these days, and that’s due to the fact that they are the loudest voice. When your religion is based on personal conversion; being “re-born,” you tend to have a lot of cocky fuckers on your hands, just aching to heal a world that was never sick to begin with.
Gnosticism–While not quite a sect of Christianity, Gnostics believe in a set of Holy Books not included in the traditional Bible. They feel that they’re gaining some ancient super-knowledge from these books, but are, in reality, simply wasting their time just as much as everyone else.
Hellenistic
Hellenistic–I don’t think anyone actually still practices these Greek/Roman god religions, but wouldn’t it be fun if they did?
Hinduism–There’s probably a lot to know about Hinduism and their multi-colored gods…but if you’ve encountered those Hare Krishna people, you probably got all the information you need.
Hoodoo–Witchcraft with dark chocolate.
Jediism
Jainism–An Indian religion whose symbol has become a symbol of hate thanks to the Western world. The Jain Dharma path is supposed to be one of non-violence toward all living things…Many jealous Hindus now consider it a “sect of Hinduism,” but they just want the street cred.
Jediism–That’s right. Star Wars. I can only imagine the development of this religion going like this: “You know how all those ancient texts are just bullshit written by some dude thousands of years ago? Well, what would you say if I told you that the real answers lie in the immortal work of Mr. George Lucas?”
Jehovah’s Witness–They might seem like a relatively harmless group of people, but these nutty restorationists are fucking dangerous. They teach their students that we’re living in the “End Times,” adhere to a weird, masochistically conservative interpretation of the Bible, and bother you at home.
Jews for Jesus–When Jews get sick of being Jewish (because it’s a huge fucking drag) and they want to celebrate Christmas and Easter and the fun holidays, they don’t waste any time. “Eh, maybe Jesus wasn’t so bad after all.”
Kalam–This branch of Islam focuses mainly on the understanding of the “word of Allah.” This, combined with a natural human reasoning and intelligence will offer you salvation. Unless, of course, you reason that you don’t need Kalam to be happy.
Karaite Judaism–These followers are essentially the Jewish equivalent of the phrase, “Who gives a shit?” They believe in all that Jewie mumbo-jumbo but reject the sacred “Oral Law” or Rabbinic Jews. They’re all about their own personal interpretations of scripture and as long as you’re down with the Old Testament, you’re good to go.
Kharijites–There are many more Muslim sects than just Shiites and Sunnis, and–yes–they do get crazier. These people have traded the mortal life for a life with God, but you’ve never heard of them, so who gives a Shiite?
Magick
Louisiana Voodoo–Make no mistake, this is not Haitian Vodou. It’s a tourist attraction religion that provides a pin-cushion doll for your “cool” Uncle to bring back from his vacation. If I weren’t an Atheist, I’d probably say God clearly has a serious problem with Voodoo after what he did to both New Orleans and Haiti.
Lutheranism–Considered the father of modern protestantism, Martin Luther gave the Catholic Church the big “fuck you,” posting 95 grievances for all to see (pre-Facebook). It was all fun and games until protestants started to put religious bans on…fun and games.
Magick–The evil occultist band Lovin’ Spoonful once asked, “Do you believe in magic?” The answer is, of course, no…BUT those who practice it think differently. Officially, “Magick” can only be used to change or interfere with something that (in the natural world) is capable of changing…such as: who shows affection towards you, or having a good day. People who buy into all this magick crap are relatively harmless–unless you get into a conversation with one.
Methodism–It seems that the only prerequisite for starting your own religion is to be loud about it. Methodists were notorious for “open-air” preaching and pissing everyone off. Luckily for us, they came to America, gathered a loud following, and got Prohibition laws put in place so everyone could have a little less fun.
Mormonism–Joseph Smith’s Mormonism isn’t necessarily the same Mormonism that exists today. The Latter-day Saints movement splits into various sects, but let’s pretend that it’s all Joe Smith Mormonism for the sake of argument. A notorious liar and racist, Smith developed a faith out of fear, hate, and complete badger-fucking-craziness.
Nation of Islam
Nation of Islam–If you thought real Muslims were scary, wait ’til you holla at the N.O.I. This is the Farrakhan, Malcolm X, take-no-bullshit, fake-Islam Islam and if you thought that thugged-out gangsta motherfuckers were scary, wait til you see a horde of black guys in black bow ties outside your door.
Native American Mythology–Usually, we reserve the term “mythology” until most of the world has come to accept the belief as silly and antiquated, like Greek and Roman gods. But since there are hardly any real Native Americans left, it’s probably okay to just refer to all of their strongly held convictions as “retarded.”
Orthodox Church–Essentially, this is the big league for Catholicism. This was “officially” the church that Jesus established through his Apostles and passed it down from generation to generation. Roman Catholicism is for pussies.
Rabbinic Judaism–Jews are easy (thought I was going to say “cheap?” Racist). If you don’t understand their traditions, rules, and rituals, then you probably haven’t read the Bible. It’s essentially all there, black and white, in any language you choose–even the weird stuff. Yeah, you think you’re following the word of god, Christians? How’s that bacon taste, heathens?!
Raelism–This is an organized group of individuals who live in a childish fantasy world where an alien race called Elohim (God) created all life. So it’s like Creationism, but with no friends. Once tried to bring about world peace with an orgy, creating the world’s largest orgasm, but they were stopped. Terrible shame.
Roman Catholicism–The world’s largest Christian organization…they even have their own tiny country (Vatican City) and–currently–a leader who used to be a Nazi! Fun!
Satanist
Satanists–There are two kinds of Satanists, those who believe in Satan as the Judeo-Christian bringer of Evil, and those who are just misguided humanists who want to piss off their parents and draw stars on their notebooks.
Scientology–A follow-up to L. Ron Hubbard’s previous self-help system, Dianetics, Scientology seems sort-of-kind-of almost helpful in theory, but in practice it’s most likely just as twisted and evil as anything else. There have been tons of complaints about the “business” of Scientology; however, the insanity of their claims should be considered average. I mean, is it crazier to believe in volcanic aliens or a talking snake? Take your pick…
Shia, Shiite, Shi’ite–Despite the name’s likeness to “shit,” these Muslims aren’t the “terrorist” ones…probably. What sets them apart is their belief that holy Imams, such as Muhammad, have spiritual and political power over today’s world…waitaminute…don’t all of our presidents believe the same thing about Jesus?
Shinto–The Japanese “Way of the Gods,” is a system in which actions speak louder than words. They worship just about everything with a strong concentration on ancestry. While there’s really no evidence of it ever being its own unified religion, the practice makes perfect.
Sikhism–These people believe that the highest attainable point in life is to achieve a truthful existence. They attempt a positive, happy, and equal relationship with everyone–no matter the race, gender, or creed. That sounds great in theory, but sometimes when they’re driving the cab you’re in, you start wishing they would cut someone off once in a while…
Smartism–Sounds pretty douchey and pretentious right? Wrong. Smartism is a Hindu sect that refers to a deep study of the Veda and Shastra scriptures and memorizing a bunch of laws and shit. I guess it is pretty douchey, isn’t it?
Sufism–This one sounds like fun–but it’s not. Interestingly enough, Sufism attempts to define itself as the science of being closer to God. Isn’t it fun when religion attempts to disguise itself as science, and yet rejects all existing science at the same time?
Witchcraft
Sunni Islam–This is the one true faith. Blessings and peace be on the names of Allah and Muhammad. (translation: Please don’t murder me or my family)
Tantra–Surely, the only time you’ve heard this religion referred to is in regard to “Tantric Sex,” but there’s more (boo…)! They study the Tantra Scriptures, worship Shakti (who sounds like an old school rapper), channel energy through the divine “Godhead,” and…fuck it…Tantric Sex.
Taoism–Its focus on vitality, inner peace, “non-action”, and such have turned Taoism into the single largest exporter of bullshit ever (probably). Yins and Yangs, herbal remedies…you know, all that annoying dirge that your crazy neighbor and ex-girlfriend were into.
Unitarianism–These wacky folks are notoriously made fun of for being “liberal” and “understanding.” They don’t accept the “trinity” of God, but they accept damn near everything and everyone else. Don’t they know how to run a successful religion?
Wicca-Witchcraft for sad girls.
Witchcraft–Hoodoo for white people.
Yoga–Sometimes, religious people figure out that they have a pretty shitty religion. They see other people in different faiths having loads of fun and they get jealous. Then they make up their own wacky combination of all those Eastern faiths and use it as an excuse to sell “stretching classes” to tourists and Westerners.
Yoruba–Before Islam and Christianity came to African nations, they had something completely different: stories, songs, traditions, and practices that all served to bring their “mortal selves” closer to “a divine creator of all things.” It’s a good thing Islam and Christianity came into the picture to set them straight.
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(offended? suck it–I’m right)
I know this is long overdue but it’s one of those things that you have to do. Like talk to relatives! 2009 has not been the best year for me. In fact, it was quite possibly the worst. Started out with my grandfather passing away (his funeral being the day right before my birthday), my mother getting diagnosed with breast cancer, our house getting broken into ( a week after she was diagnosed), rising insurance rates on my car, getting laid off from my job, and my two year relationship with my girlfriend ended. Oh and my cat got hit by a car and killed. On my sister’s birthday.
But moving on in lightning speed headlines of hilarity (in no particular order and if you don’t know them, google them dammit).
I became a Super Dude in the beginning of last year (which Alex is probably banging his head on the desk for as we speak).
One of these boys is our new President...
George W. Bush got the hell out of office and the first African American president was elected. Finally the guy I voted for actually got elected.
Madoff goes to Jail! (get it?! like Madea goes to jail? You know that’s funnier than anything Tyler Perry has ever done, so stop rolling your eyes).
Governer Rod Blagojevich missed his calling as a ticket scalper.
The Sahalis and the Heenes both made themselves look like assholes on national television in attempts to get their own reality tv shows. I guess the reality is that they are in fact assholes! See, no need to go on tv and waste anymore airtime than you already have!
Kayne didn’t think Taylor Swift’s video was the best female video of the year. Leno got back at Kayne with a “yo momma” joke and made him cry. Oh that Kayne! Coming this fall to CBS.
Michael Jackson died, boys pants were at half mast that day. (and the hate mail comes in 3..2…1…)
Patrick Swayze is in the big Roadhouse in the sky kicking angels in the face and dancing in leather pants.
Farrah Fawcett passed away after a grueling battle with cancer. (no joke there)
Billy Mays, no longer here.
Brittany Murphy, where were you Clive Owen?! (that’s a Sin City reference joke folks, go watch it)
David Letterman is a pimp!
Chris Brown: Come on...at least he's not Michael Vick
Chris Brown auditioned to play the role of Ike Turner in the remake of “What’s love got to do with it?”
John and Kate plus 8 -1 = Psychotic crazy devil woman and cheating thieving bastard plus 8!
Super Dude Dave and Super Dudette Michelle got married and even went so far as to be responsible for inviting me to their wedding!! Super Dudette Laura was also married in 2009!!!
A sequel was made about that movie with fangless, abstinent, glittery vampires. The ozone layer was destroyed by the intense reflection from smiling teenaged girls with braces all across america.
District 9 came out! Finally a breath of fresh air in sci fi films that isn’t sucked out by George Lucas.
Star Trek nerds were pissed about the remake, people who get laid were not.
The Hangover, finally they made a story about my life!
Up…. didn’t see that one.
Avatar was awesome. It had to be. If I waited that long in line and it sucked, someone was getting kidney punched. And by kidney punch I mean decapitated and set on fire. I left a bit of a mess after seeing X-Men Origins : Wolverine. Oops 
Transformers : Revenge of the fallen. Not much to meet the eye. I blame that for my failed relationship. Fuckin robots…
The Year of Innuendos about the name "Woods"
Tiger Woods Pro Golf 2009 rated M for mature. Contains, brief nudity, sexual references, and your wife BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
I wasted my life on:
Batman : Arkham Asylum (best superhero game ever made)
Resident Evil 5 disappointed me (and I’m a huge fan of the series)
Beatles Rockband, Assassins Creed 2 ( addicting and awesome)
Left 4 Dead 2 ( fun and frustrating)
Prototype ( disguising yourself as an old woman and scaling up buildings while tearing someone into pieces had never been this fun since season 5 of Golden Girls. RIP Bea Arthur.)
Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Athena ( two very fun games in one fueled by Vin Diesel the muscle nerd)
Ghostbusters (not the greatest game but man did I have nostalgic tears streaming down my face)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (a game where the actual video game is better than the movie. I’m as dumbfounded as you are!)
Red Faction Guerilla, Modern Warfare 2, Dragon Age: Origins (my life)
Grand Theft Auto: Lost and the Damned (How DLC should be!)
Still haven't found him...but damn is he lookin' good!
So there you have it. Not a truly impressive year, there was a lot of international news going on that year but it was filled with terrorist attacks, assassinations, corrupt leaders and like the true American I am I laughed and chewed on piece of cow and read the bible!
Actually I just didn’t feel like writing about it, but I have a feeling 2010 will kick ass especially for our loyal readers and fans out there! We have some pretty awesome stuff we’re working on for this year, The Super Dudes Power Show, our usual mix of awesome guest writers an contributors, and kick ass articles (maybe not this one but the others rock!) and we hope you love it!
Stay tuned Super Dudes and Super Dudettes!!!
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Whether it be in cinema, video games, or World History, there rarely comes a moment as wholly emotionally gratifying as watching a Nazi drown in a pool of his own blood. And it is with this scenario in mind that we take this time to review two new releases: Inglourious Basterds and The Saboteur.
Inglourious Basterds is a work of historical fiction written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, released earlier this year. The World War II revenge flick was just released on DVD and Blu-Ray in time for Christmas, so now is as good a time as any to review it.
Tarantino is the master of taking a tired concept and making it fresh–and this is just what he did with Basterds. While it bears the same name as an older exploitation WWII flick, it is not a remake. This is a fresh piece of cinema that packs in enough edge-of-your-seat intensity that it becomes difficult to watch.
But what am I telling you for? You’ve almost certainly already seen it, and if not, you’re a damn fool. The film focuses on two sets of protagonists who never come into contact, but who are fighting similar battles against German Nationalists.
The first group are the Basterds–a squad of Jewish-American soldiers led by Brad Pitt. Their sole mission seems to be killing as many Nazis as possible before they bite the bullet–until a British soldier joins their team and focuses their mission on blowing up a theater full of German soldiers.
The second story is that of the Jewish owner of the theater, a young woman who barely escaped a raid on the Paris house where her family had been hiding. She swore revenge on the Nazis who killed her family, and naturally, in true Tarantino fashion–she’ll fucking get it.
It’s a very beautiful, brutal, and comical portrayal of vengeance in Nazi-occupied France. Buy this film!
If you enjoyed Inglourious Basterds, and you’re a gamer, you will adore the final release by Pandemic Studios, The Saboteur. Some of Pandemic’s releases in the past have been give-and-take, but The Saboteur has achieved a full-on grip around my attention.
The game follows the standard sandbox, character in the middle of the screen, circular map/life-bar/wanted level model as every other open world game, but it’s nice to see the new innovation.
You play as Sean Devlin, a drinking, smoking, Irish racer, mechanic, and stereotype. He’s a man’s man with a penchant for snapping Nazi spines. The only problems I can find with this game are its lackluster controls (namely for sneaking and climbing) and the excessive amount of driving necessary for an open-world Paris…
Sean’s “brother” is murdered by a particularly evil Nazi (which just seems redundant), and this sets him off on a murderous rampage of killing and destruction.
The climbing and assassinating causes me to compare this game to Assassin’s Creed, but in almost every other way, it’s Grand Theft Auto: Nazi Occupied France. The game is very good and lots of fun to play; but I’m not above honesty–and to tell you the truth–if the setting were any different, it would be a generic sandbox shooter.
Supremacists always look better like this...
Killing Nazis doesn’t necessarily make a bad game better, but it certainly doesn’t make it worse. Luckily for The Saboteur, the gameplay, story, graphics, and acting is actually very captivating–and when you pair that with killing Nazis, your weekend is full.
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The bullshit about celebrity deaths coming in triples still serves to make me uneasy about the week ahead. Who’s next? Bob Dylan? William Shatner? For some reason, the death of actress Brittany Murphy has really got me in a shitty mood.
She was a celebrity that happened to be somewhere on my list of hottest actresses, but that’s only half of it. She’s starred in some pretty kick-ass movies (along with some extremely shitty ones), but that’s only another 1/4.
...son of a bitch, what a beautiful corpse.
Brittany Murphy’s death this morning was shocking. Like Heath Ledger, she was found dead due to unknown circumstances. According to TMZ, her mother discovered her in the shower. She went into full cardiac arrest and was pronounced D.O.A. at the hospital. Fuck.
My feeling is that it was probably some serious overdosing going on; but that’s just speculation, and as of now, there is no evidence to support it…but, come on…look at her husband for fuck’s sake…
How does THIS marry Brittany Murphy? (image via TMZ)
At least I know that someone else cares. Shortly after the news broke, her super-stud-famous-fucking ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher posted on Twitter:
It’s a nice, sentimental goodbye to a good friend, heartbreakingly soiled by the use of the word “2day.” Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough characters.
Murphy was one of those actresses that I never really missed when she wasn’t around, but now that I know she’s gone for good, I find myself heartbroken, wishing she could’ve lasted long enough to make a Just Married 2.
…at least Ashton Kutcher would have something else to talk about besides where he gets such “radical” sandwiches.
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