I’m a big fan of Zombie movies. In the swarm of zombie-related cinema, the social messages are often lost and the true intentions (of the better Zombie films) go unrealized. A handful of movies featuring the undead will go down in history as some of the greatest horror films ever made, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, most Zombie movies are outright terrible.
So, why do we celebrate this genre so much? Why do we put these movie monsters up on a pedestal and scoff at the Vampire lovers, or the Werewolf fanatics like they’re a bunch of ignorant children? If it’s about the Twilight series or the slow degradation of the True Blood franchise, I’d understand, but True Blood fans and Zombie fans are typically in the same niche.
What is it about Zombies that is so fascinating? Why do they capture the imagination so much that intelligent adults actually develop strategies and survival tactics for a coming Zombie Apocalypse? Is there a part of our brains that actually–no matter how fervently we deny it–believes that these fictional flesh-eaters may actually exist somewhere/someday?
Zombies, my friends, may be the absolute nuttiest, waste of time religion out there today. It may not be harmful, but it sure makes normal people act batshit crazy. And I’m going to prove it.
The Super Secure Zombie-Proof Safe House
The style and quiet sophistication of this giant concrete slab are actually quite impressive. If I didn’t feel like one technical malfunction would potentially leave me a prisoner in an inescapable tomb, I may actually think it would be a lovely place to live. The “house” was designed by KWK Promes and is simply called “The Safe House.” It has only one entrance that is only accessible via a drawbridge that rises when the house is sealed up. So, in other words, if you were to accidentally hole yourself up in this man-made prison, no one would ever be able to get in to save you. Also, if it’s supposed to be the ideal protection against a Zombie horde, if I ever–and I mean ever–saw an insect in there, I would shit myself.
Zombie Bar Crawl
Of course, it’s all in fun, but I’ve seen some people take it very seriously. Any excuse to get drunk and shitty is worthy of praise, and I do appreciate it. The hardcore zombie crowd attends these events to drink a bunch of booze and slip into the fantasy that their wildest dreams have come true–Zombies are roaming the streets, and those “normal” people are totally screwed. I’ve enjoyed the Zombie dress-up game on Halloween, but a Zombie bar crawl is on par with Live Action Role Playing. It’s harmless fun, of course, but don’t try telling that to psychopath dripping with blood who just polished off his 24th PBR.
“The Zombie Autopsies”
This week, CNN featured an article about Dr. Steven Scholzman, an author and psychiatrist who has decided to study the theoretical “zombie brain” and what it means to science. We don’t know much about Zombies or where they come from, other than the few suggestions we’re given from films, television shows, and books, but it’s extremely important that anyone who studies human behavior or the social condition devote all of their energy towards finding out exactly how Zombie brains would function. It may not serve us well in any sort of upcoming Zombie War, but when we all go brain-dead from playing Zombie-killing video games all day, their research may prove very useful.
We adults don’t get much time to fantasize and sometimes we can be a bit childish. But why is the mainstream conversation about a Zombie uprising socially acceptable? Zombies have become so popular that no one even gives you a second look if you mention the rising of the dead and the subsequent feeding on human flesh or brains. Speaking of which, when do Zombies ever eat brains? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a zombie film where they specifically went after human brains.
I remember the outrage over the “running zombies” in the Dawn of the Dead remake, and now running zombies are the norm. Perceptions of the creatures change, just like Vampires went from being dark, brooding faces of sheer bloodthirsty horror to sparkling pretty boys and shirtless southern gentlemen.
The point is nothing should be taken so seriously, especially something as trivial as an impossible nightmare scenario featuring fictional monsters. And if you are going to get serious about all of this zombie apocalypse nonsense, could you at least look the other way when I’m having an in-depth discussion on the logistics of Star Wars?