Sorry to barge in uninvited like this. You don’t know me but I am very curious about you. I have two very important questions that may or may not confuse or disorient you, and for that I apologize in advance–but do you actually exist?–and if so–who the fuck are you?
Forgive me, please, but the fact that this series was created, released, and subsequently picked up for a second season turns my skull into a jar of unappetizing brain-jam.
This may be an exercise in futility; however, I desperately wish to attempt a case study on those who find this alarmingly retarded television show appealing.
As a horrifyingly weak rip-off of Frank Miller’s 300, I expected to at least be entertained by the adventure that would possibly be an effective prequel to the story of Sparta’s 300-man army. But–on the contrary. Watching this show caused me to feel that the only proper way to view it (by anyone) should be while wearing a diaper, and perhaps jamming shards of plastic into your dead, sunken eyes.
The show is so inane, poorly written, poorly acted, and poorly designed that it could literally be considered a form of punishment to watch it…and that’s a criticism I would typically reserve for According to Jim.
It is as if someone over at STARZ grabbed an unsuspecting dimwit off the street, sat him down with a fellow in a mental institution, smearing shit on the padded walls, and said, “You totally have to listen to this guy. He’s a freakin’ genius! ‘Member that movie 300? Yeah? Remember how it wasn’t quite gay enough? Yeah? Well wait ’til you hear this idea…”
Then, instead of running away and calling the police, the unsuspecting dimwit listened to the mind-numbingly retarded idea, and said: LET’S DO IT!
Each episode runs about an hour–and after about 20 minutes into the premiere, there had already been 3 sex scenes, countless instances of characters using modern expletives in ancient Rome (like “suck my cock” and “fucking motherfucker” and “you fucking cunt”), and about 20 slow-motion fight scenes that will make you absolutely hate movie violence forever.
When you pair wonderful lines like, “My boot will meet your ass in the afterlife,” with the gruff cartoon bear voices coming from the over-actors, you’re left with nothing left to consider other than, “What?! Everyone’s naked!”
As I sat, slack-jawed, watching the mess unfold on the TV, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Who is this show supposed to be for?”
And this is where you come in! The show is certainly not meant for me–so it must be for you. And since it’s obviously targeted towards you, could you please explain why and how?
Is Spartacus: Blood and Sand a period drama? There was certainly a shitload of terrible dramatic acting (when there was no sex happening)…so it could have been that.
Is Spartacus: Blood and Sand simply a Lucy Lawless vehicle? After being typecast for mythological roles, Xena has lowered herself to doing green-screen cable action on a show that sounds like it should be a video game starring 50 Cent?
Is Spartacus: Blood and Sand some sort of gay social experiment? Maybe–for some reason–the creators wanted to see how much half-naked beefcake-on-beefcake action men will sit through if they are rewarded afterward with a glimpse of some perky Roman tits…
…or is Spartacus: Blood and Sand a reflection of a network’s opinion of its viewers? Perhaps STARZ has simply thrown in the “fuck it” towel and dumbed down a series so far that it is essentially just nudity and CGI blood. Is there anyone out there who isn’t totally sick of slow motion-to-fast speed movie violence?
Don’t get me wrong, I love limb-flying movie magic as much as the next guy (…as long as that next guy isn’t Quentin Tarantino), but it’s ridiculously over-used.
What frightens me most is that I can wrap my head around movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and The Spy Next Door. 20th Century Fox and Lionsgate Films thinks children are all in the mental Special Olympics, knocking over every hurdle along the way. That’s not difficult to understand.
What is difficult to grasp is how a cable station like STARZ, after the success that HBO and Showtime have had with original programming, has the fucking nerve to try to pass off this mindless dirge as entertainment.
Needless to say, I’ll be watching every episode on Netflix. I mean–seriously–what else is there to watch now that Jersey Shore is over?
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