Citizens of our great nation–fear not! There are many elements that haunt this world we live in which may be beyond your control, but please do not worry. Science is on the case.
You see…cancer, AIDS, climate change, biological engineering, the future of all life on earth…they aren’t just small potatoes, they’re just fucking stupid. Scientists have much bigger fish to fry. How selfish we are to think that medical and environmental science should be our main concern! Who the fuck do we think we are?
How do YOU get ready for the Prom?
It just so happens that research scientists have got their heads in the right place. They are working tirelessly to bring us–their loyal public–a new synthetic alcohol substitute…not to cure raging, interminable addiction, no!
…this new “alcoholic” drink will serve to mimic the feeling of being fucked ass-ways drunk without feeling like shit in the morning.
The drink is closely related, on a chemical level, with Valium. It is essentially a way to trick the nerves in your brain into believing that you’re drunk, without actually being intoxicated.
...not like this.
Additionally, there would be a “cure” pill which would instantly nullify the effects of the drink so that you can drive yourself home, or…function. Supposedly, this new drug would not cause mood swings or addiction associated with getting shitfaced.
Now, what does this say to you?
To me, this has a “helmet for skydiving” vibe. Rather than attempt to solve an existing problem, they are creating a new problem and rationalizing a solution. In comparison, saying, “Don’t stop jumping out of planes, just wear this when you do it.”
Why would you want to “turn off” the feeling? If you intended to not be drunk, you wouldn’t be drinking in the first place. This feels like a serious underestimation–not only of the nature of addiction, but also of the nature of human beings.
Is this why Santa didn't visit this year?
Obviously these scientists who are working ’round-the-clock on this initiative have never been invited to any parties where the goal was to make some bad decisions and wake up not wanting to remember.
If one pill could bring you back down to earth from an amazing and unparalleled high, would the first question you ask not be, “What happens if I take two?”
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