Remember that show, Kids Say the Darndest Things, briefly hosted by Bill Cosby? Essentially, Mr. Cosby would interview barely coherent children about real world shit and then make a goofy face or sarcastic comment when they replied with a nonsensical answer. I can’t imagine why it was ever cancelled. By now those kids are all grown up and asking retarded questions of their own.
Yahoo! Answers, a web-service whereby anonymous individuals can post a question which others will attempt to answer in a timely fashion, is full of these inane and unpredictably stupid questions and concerns that real people felt strongly enough about to ask millions of people. Here are some of the best of the best…
“i accidentally got herpes from my ex gf and then i started dating this other girl who i really like. the only problem is she doesnt know i have herpes and she wants to take things to the next level. i really dont want her getting the herpes so is it wrong if i have sex with someone else before her to pass the herpes onto them instead so she doesnt get it? i dont want to cheat on her but its the only way to make sure she doesnt get my herpes and then once ive passed it on well both be clean!”
Answer: You, my friend, are a borderline hero. Barack Obama needs to give back his Nobel Peace Prize and it should be awarded to you. You’ve made science fiction into science fact!
Answer: If your eyes are bleeding, your internet is on.
“After I masturbate, I wash my hands in the bathroom sink. My mother also uses this sink. How probable is it that she will become pregnant?”
Answer: This may come as a surprise to you, but this is actually how you were conceived.
“Can you dye the hair at 2 months?”
Answer: It’s too late, I’m afraid. You’ve already made the biggest mistake possible–you gave birth to a ginger.
Answer: Yes. You have to use it at least 10 times per day.
“My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant.
What should I do about this?”
Answer: It is clear from your predicament that you’re obviously quite a rational and observant human being; therefore, the only advice that I can possibly give–the advice that would undoubtedly assist you the most–would be to recommend that you become a fish.
“Hi. Does anyone know if it’s possible to use a background that would essentially turn my computer monitor into a mirror? Scanning a mirror doesn’t work.”
Answer: Turn your computer off. Can you see yourself in the black screen? Good. Now never turn it on again.
Answer: Actually, interestingly enough, 3 out of 10 times, the cat’s fur is put on backwards causing it to shit out its mouth and talk out of its ass–just like you.
Answer: It is unlikely that someone who phrases a question like this will ever know a woman’s touch. It is entirely likely, however, that the individual who phrases his question like this is not entirely human, himself.
Answer: Allow me to answer your question with a question of my own…Were you jackin’ it at a picnic?
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