If you’ve ever used the Internet to any reasonable extent, you’ve probably seen tabloid photos of your favorite (or least favorite) celebs and thought “Wow, they’re really just…normal fucking people.” The beauty of this, of course, is that the more famous they are, the more enjoyable it is to see them fall…it’s just human nature.
One thing we all have in common (hopefully) with celebrities is our terrible Yearbook photos. Nobody likes the way they look in retrospect. Ever. Even if you take a picture of yourself and look back at it, your brain will fire off: “Christ, I looked like shit 20 seconds ago.”
Many many websites feature Yearbook Photos of famous people, but some of them are just…too normal. I don’t get what’s funny about seeing Brad Pitt back when he was in high school, looking exactly like he does now. It’s just not amusing. What is amusing is watching people who looked ridiculous in High School attempting to compensate for that by becoming an in-your-face Media Monster.
And that’s what this is all about.
10. Paris Hilton
Honestly, anything I could say about Paris Hilton has already been said. She looks like that girl in class that all the other girls are jealous of, but also never want to become. She’d come in to school and go “ew, where did you get that backpack?”
9. Renee Zellweger
We all had our terrible class pictures, bad hairstyles, and “what the fuck was I thinking?” moments. But Renee Zellweger’s yearbook photo looks like a mug shot. It looks like it should read: Suspect Wanted for the Murder of Boyfriend, Parents. Consider armed and dangerous.She’s a very attractive woman…sometimes. I guess if you’ve ever seen her smile, making that face you do when you try to stuff as many Sour Patch Kids in your mouth as possible, you’d realized why she’s not smiling here.
8. Adam Lambert
It’s almost cheating to call Adam Lambert a celebrity, but I found this photo amusing. I assume it was clipped from the local newspaper and separated from the headline that read: “Local Boy Fits 19 Hot Dogs in Mouth.”
The question “What the fuck happened to Prince The Artist Formerly Known as Prince The Artist?” gets thrown around a lot these days. The tragedy is that there is no reasonably satisfying answer.
6. Lady Gaga
The music industry always has a way of combating itself…backing itself into corners and then fucking its way out. It seems like Lady Gaga was its way of combating the brief but seemingly interminable fame of Susan Boyle. In exchange for an ogre with the voice of an angel, they gave us a hipster hottie with the musical appeal of that Crazy Frog*.
*reference too vague? Fine…here. But I warned you.
5. Billy Bob Thornton
Was Billy Bob Thornton always an asshole, or did he turn into one once he became a “musician?” I suppose when you spend your childhood being “that kid,” having people on your dick 24/7 makes you trip over your ego. I’m not saying that Billy Bob isn’t a quality actor, but…(I don’t know how to finish that sentence and don’t know why I started it)
4. Marilyn Manson
He hasn’t changed much, has he? Brian Hugh Warner represents the American Dream. You can be an unattractive, awkward son of a bitch and still be a heart throb to overweight girls wearing your XXL T-Shirts from Hot Topic. I can’t honestly rag on Manson too much, because he’s such a nice guy…and it’s really not surprising when rock mega-stars sell-out and become a blurb in Rolling Stone after 10 years.
3. Steven Tyler
Why so serious, Mr. Tyler? Aerosmith enjoyed an unprecedented period of popularity. Gene Simmons had the tongue. Little Stevey Tyler had the lips. What a time to be alive. I don’t have much to say about Tyler, or Aerosmith, except that if you’re that one lonely guy living in the past who actually bought Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, don’t worry. Society may be able to forgive you.
2. Lil Jon
You always wonder why certain people have such “in your face” personalities. Hip Hop icons tend to be some of the most “in your face” celebrities for some reason. My reasoning was that the culture, style, and attitude called for that kind of super-aggressive behavior. The gold chains, loose clothes, hot cars, and loose women all lend towards making your character larger than life. But now I know the truth…big personalities come from growing up looking like you shit yourself all the time.
1. Ryan Seacrest
In Ryan Seacrest’s defense, he really turned into a good looking guy. This kid, on the other hand, looks like “the fat one” in any kids’ movie you could think of. At least now, Seacrest is the host of a show in which he has the power to tear apart social rejects as mercilessly as I’m sure everyone in his life did to him. This kid was picked last for damn near everything. He would break out in tears in the middle of class and call the teacher “mommy.” His life was a living hell.
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