Teabagging, as I Understand It

Rapidly sweeping the country like some sort of limbless terrapin is a form of non-violent protest called “Teabagging.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the invaluable mainstream media has assured me that this has absolutely nothing to do with the practice of delicately dunking one’s own Chicken McNuggets into the unsuspecting gaping maw of a sleeping companion.

Far from it! In fact, the movement itself has verbally assaulted those who refer to the practice as “Teabagging,” while turning a blind eye to the FOX News instigators who first uttered (and continue to utter) the term.

For those of you who can not hold back your sophomoric giggles when considering the connection between the (arguably illegitimate) protests and the practice of slapping your wank-tank on your peers, I say: for shame. Shame shame shame on you.

I’ve spent many a sleepless hour (not literally) contemplating and forcing my feeble non-partisan brain around the concept and reason in what these people are attempting to accomplish, and I have come to some rudimentary conclusions.

First, according to my good friends at FOX & Friends, these angry sons of the soil are taking to the streets in a symbolic reflection of the historic Boston Tea Party to protest taxes, Barack Obama’s budget plans, and the Stimulus Package.

While the common belief is that these protest will continue to draw larger and larger crowds and explode all over the face of Uncle Sam come Independence Day, I have a feeling that Tax Day (April 15th) has sent them a pretty definitive “fuck you.”

No one likes taxes or needless government spending, but when you’re uneducated enough to discredit, misunderstand, or simply be ignorant of the social and economic benefits of a communal financial input…well…I suppose you inevitably come to the conclusion that a Tea Bag Party is much less gay than a Tea Party.

When all is said and done, I have to give a proverbial shout out to the indomitable American Spirit, no matter how potentially misguided it may be. These people are taking their batshit crazy beliefs to the streets, and it’s that kind of enthusiasm that inspires change in a government.

“Teabagging” is essentially a grass roots Conservative movement birthed and nurtured by Fair and Balanced News Corp. On the other hand, it has been going on long before it became popular in the media by real crazies who FOX had once been dedicated to distancing themselves from.

And truth be told, I’m torn. I’m not content with this government’s practices and I can’t blindly support bailouts any more than I can support the unfounded teabagging of those who believe they are doing the right thing.

To take an uninformed stance on anything is wrong. It would be wrong for me to try to bullshit about economic issues (of which I know dick) and it is wrong for unapologetic and triumphantly ignorant back-woods protestersto dip their love-sacks in the mouths of Michael Steele or Barack Obama.

The cowardice of FOX News’ war against a progressive country is not simply wrong or misguided, but arguably evil. While the concepts and paths that our democratically elected leaders are leading us on may not be the best options, we’re in this for the long haul.

It’s time for the other sides to shut the fuck up and offer their assistance, input, and advice, not radical dissent. While Obama and his Democratic super-friends may not have the best laid plans, their intentions are just as golden as the intentions of the (claimed) powerless minority.

And while it is, has been, and will forever continue to be the prime directive of ‘FOX Noise’ to offer nothing but fuel for the random, stumbling anti-liberal fire, their laughable mission must no longer be taken at face value.

This kind of nonsense is a thorn in the side of our country’s economic, cultural, technological, and intellectual progress and can’t be taken lightly.

When the time comes, on the Fourth of July, for Americans to hypothetically “unite” for at least 24 hours in celebration of the freedom and liberty that our ancestors fought for, I hope to see these passionately hypocritical Teabaggers either turn towards a new age of personal responsibility and communion with the best interests of our country at heart, or open wide for the biggest pair of sweat-dripping bean-pods this great nation has ever seen.

 –Alex G.